Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The New Funny Feminists

"Offbeat Empire LLC is a niche lifestyle media network and publisher of awesome, edgy women’s websites covering weddings, parenting, and home decor. Our sites reach hundreds of thousands of women every month, cheerleading readers through the challenging transitions in their lives."

Don't you love the word "edgy"? Now imagine an edgy wedding, the bride with dyed red bed hair, perhaps. "Rocking" some Doctor Martens. "Rocking" some armpit hair. The Cure's Friday I'm in Love accompanying her walk up the aisle. She's knowing she's a new feminist, banishing the depressing days of women dressing just to please men, all started by the evil Spice Girls, though "Wannabe was a great tune".

The bride has discovered feminism by reading Caitlin Moran's How to be a Woman. It really opened her eyes and she hasn't looked back. Confident, thrusting, this bride knows what she wants out of life and she's going to get it! And there's her sexy young indie husband-to-be, on the starting blocks for a lifetime of love, laughs, alcohol, beautiful babies and edgy furnishings.

This article from the aforementioned website has today been applauded on Twitter by Caitlin, Grace Dent and India Knight. The new breed of "funny" feminists, the funniest women writers since French and Saunders. They've been bullied on Twitter by these liberals who are on the right political side but are so bitter about the celebrities' success that they cannot but help themselves pick up on the smallest misunderstood tweet and get on their high horse about it. These little people are not interested in discourse, just in shouting down the successful.

Of course "progressive activists" such as the new "funny" feminists should be supported by all us liberals "in their very important work for social justice" whether it be in The Times or The Independent.

Laughter is the best medicine for society's ills and anybody who doesn't find these writers funny is holding back the struggle.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

How Do I Do This Again?

I'm sure you're all very interested in how I'm doing, so here's a little round robin.

I'm currently working in London two days a week and three days at home. I bought myself a manager's chair for the kitchen. I sit on it and have a panoramic view of the garden and its lone pigeon. But I'm too busy to manage or watch our feathered friend.

I work on my little netbook. It has everything on it. Windows 7 Starter. Microsoft Office For Cheapskates. The hateful Skype.

I listen to the music I have transferred to my iPod. Which is preferable to the music in the office. Other people's music taste has been the bane of my life. You think you're beginning to bond then they put on Green Day.

In my spare time I walk the streets for half an hour, I read and perform Twitter, I read books on my Kindle. Now and again I catch up on the blogs, I always follow links from Twitter to newspaper comment-style articles which could be reduced to a couple of sentences.

As could this round robin. Life is not necessarily better when you're working. But for me, now, after the past few years, it is.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Hey Eddie, how come you're such a big hit with the girls?

Eddie Izzard, there. Thinking out of the box. This "can do" attitude, all over the world. People, all over the world, eating well, training hard, thinking out of the box. Changing things politically by going to the gym for five hours a day, pounding the streets, spinning those wheelchair wheels till they think their arms are going to drop off.

A political statement from these can-doers. Come on, people! Get going!

Get out of that armchair, out of that boring job with long hours, get those metal legs running, faster faster faster!

Don't let that lung disease get you down, look at Eddie, godammit he ran 26 marathons a day every day for a year! Think out of the box stop watching the box, you lazy cunt.

Don't complain about being hungry, just look at your golden compatriots, see what they've achieved!

That poor fucker with no legs just got FOUR gold medals, how the fuck can YOU complain about YOUR lot in life?

Saturday, September 08, 2012


I'm currently enjoying The 100 Worst People On Twitter, a necessary antidote to all those awful Famous People To Follow On Twitter you get in the broadsheets.

I say I'm enjoying it, but it's led me to investigate online quarrels, some of them long-standing. This was entertaining at first but now I've had enough.

I don't care any more if The IT Crowd's @Glinner is Twitter's policeman or that he blocked The Lady Magazine's @LFBarfe or that comedy discusser @cookdandbombd and media-recognised blogger @mrsnickyclark are on one side or the other and go on and on and on about it. I'm going to leave them all to it in future. Go ahead and read them if you wish.

And as I'm spreading the love today, here's an absolutely hilarious video including some of those poor celebrities who have to put up with comments from people who think they're shit and get their own back by attacking those few unhinged cancer and rape wishers amongst us.

Friday, August 31, 2012

London Does It Again!

So now we have the Paralympics. It's going to be the best Paralympics ever. Because it's here. That's why it's going to be the best ever.

Politicians have tears of admiration in their eyes for those disabled people who have achieved being on the telly, stretching their bodies to the utmost. The same politicians take away the benefits of those disabled they say are stealing taxpayers' money and really should be working, just look at what can be achieved, look at the examples being set by your fitter brothers and sisters, get off your arse and get a job, come on, put some effort into it you shirking fake!

But as a spectacle, it's really difficult to get worked up about. How can you when you have admiration for every single participant? All athletes perform to the best of their capabilities and you want to see a race where there is a small margin between winners and losers. You want to get behind your man or woman, you desperately want your athlete to beat the rest, you couldn't give a shit if Mary Decker falls over, you think thank fuck for that. You want Great Britain to win a tight, exciting race. If not Britain, you want Jamaica. If not Jamaica, anybody but the USA. We love it when the Americans come just outside the medals. And more than anything we want Ovett to beat Coe.

How can the competitive emotions come to the fore when you're applauding everybody in the race, willing them all to do a personal best? Even Oscar Pistorius as he wins by five miles. Bloody hell, they're all to be admired. Even the Americans and the Tories.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

So Proud, So Very, Very Proud


I don't want to piss on anybody's chips but...

Let's have a look at the amounts of funding from UK Sport for the 2012 Olympics.

Surprise surprise rowing gets the most money followed by surprise surprise cycling.

Both events need expensive equipment, £20,000 per boat, £20,000 per bike.

Neither rowing nor cycling are mass participant sports. You can imagine the schools that have rowing clubs! And you can imagine the kids whose parents can't afford to buy them a decent racing bike let alone the kids having the space to ride in safety.

How many non-white athletes have Great Britain in these sports? Surely there would be one or two with the body for rowing, the body for cycling?

The next time somebody says "if only footballers were like our great Olympians," you know where to tell them to stick their words.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Opening Medicine

Everybody loved it. I had glowing reports beforehand from people who'd seen or been involved in the dress rehearsals and when the time came for the actual televisual feast, Twitter was awash with pride.

This was Britain at its best, the stuff that makes us all proud to be part of the greatest nation on earth. Boris Johnson was crying "hot tears of patriotic pride".

Frank Cottrell Boyce in today's Observer: "We shared the things we loved about Britain - the Industrial Revolution, the digital revolution, the NHS, pop music, children's literature, genius engineers."

Two capitalist revolutions, an underfunded health service, the Eurythmics, Mary fucking Poppins and Jeremy Clarkson's hero.

We are proud of our multi-culturalism, well some of "us" think it was right that we accepted people we owed something to, most don't think we owe "them" anything and would like it if "they" went back "home".

Great Ormond Street is a symbol of how we look after our people from the cradle to the pub. We love children more than any other nation and the image of a child in a hospital bed makes us weep with pride and empty our wallets. And all our Mary Poppins's, looking after our precious ones who will grow up to employ nannies of their own.

The night of the ceremony, Boris Johnson had a sweet dream, a sweet wet dream about Julie Andrews tucking him up in bed, bending over him, whispering, "it's going to be alright, everything's going to turn out right".

And he woke up laughing at Mr Bean.

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