Sunday, November 14, 2010


I keep preparing myself for change but change never comes. I don't want change so I should be grateful. But this is a very strange feeling, the most weird I have felt in my life.

I never used to think of the future, just took each day as it came. Good or bad, the present was where it was at, the future would take care of itself. Now my head's in the future and the past. The present is running on empty. The future's looking stressed and over-busy or it's looking relaxed and easy. The past? I had it good though I often had it pretty bad. But I never had this feeling of strangeness.

This week I thought it was shingles. The shingles never materialised. A soreness of the midriff which lasted four days. That's it, I said, it's shingles, it's the stress. But the shingles never came. I tried not to touch my eye as I knew someone whose sight was damaged by shingles. But I'm not a doctor and I really shouldn't be diagnosing myself. It wasn't shingles after all. It was just the stress. The stress that comes not from overwork but from a lack of control.

I don't want change, change is the unknown. Frying pan, fire. Fire, frying pan. Just like that.


  1. I can recommend Paul McKenna's self-hynosis tapes for most things - the Instant Confidence one is particularly good to listen to in bed before facing an arduous day.

    Mind you, if hypochrondria is the problem, perhaps displacement therapy and throwing yourself into new activities so you don't have time to think about ailments is best.

    I have concluded there is no point worrying about life. Doing our best in any given situation is all anyone of us can do.

  2. Are you getting enough roughage in your diet?

  3. I got no jokes.
    That lack of control thing, when you think you see the back end of your life sailing down the S'wanee? Loud raspberry.
    I though 'change' was my bete noir but now I find that all along it has been 'going back'. But hey! Never too old to learn something when it's too late.
    I'll stop now. Just popped by to cheer you up.

  4. Me too. Have you tried girning? Voodoo? Writing Valentine verses (a great demand, I believe)? Keeping a secret still?

    Cheer up!

  5. Laura - Self-confidence really isn't an issue, more lack of confidence in outcomes. I'm not really a hypochondriac but I always seem to be starting something non-serious which hardly ever materialises.

    MJ - One thing that can never be said about me is "he's not a regular guy".

    Arabella - I'm more cheerful today: it's best if I don't have time to think. I've never had anything to go back to as I've never gone away. It's always been about escaping in my head. Whatever happens they can't take my head away from me!

    Christopher - Maybe I need another blog. OH NO!

  6. "A soreness of the midriff which lasted four days..."

    Yes, that does sound more like a case of trapped wind, doesn't it?

    I have at least 2 figs a day and I'm as regular as clockwork. Really can't recommend them highly enough.

    Of course, anxiety can make one ever so gassy, can't it? I had terrible gyppe the night after we lost the European Cup Final in Paris - it was like shitting tea, if I can be brutally frank. Still, I'm sure the Hammers will soon be out of the relegation zone...



  7. It could be something to do with a relegation season. I'm sure it happened the last time.