Thursday, August 19, 2010

Maybe A Bunk Bed Would Be A Good Idea After All

I could smell smoke before I saw it. Someone was having a crafty fag.

My mother appeared. She was sitting on the armchair, her right hand hidden from me. I could see smoke rising from behind the right arm of the chair.

I asked her if she was smoking. I said she can't start again now, not after giving up in her 60s. People don't start up again at the age of 78.

She said she wasn't smoking. The smoke was filling the room and my sensitive nose.

I asked her again. She turned to me and regally lifted her hand to her face, as if she were Princess Margaret. She left the cigarette in her mouth and dangled it like a flat-capped commoner.

I reacted like Bruce Lee. I leapt in the air and kicked the offending stick from her mouth.


I woke up with a start. Betty seemed to be sleeping. But she often wakes up in the mornings with bruises on her leg.


  1. You used to have a telly blog and a dream blog. I am not sure which one of these this is. I don't recall seeing your mother on telly, but then how would I know? Is she Mariella Frostrup? I hope not, I can't stand her.

  2. My mother used to smoke a pipe. And she wasn't dreaming.

  3. Tee hee! You are a dutiful son.

  4. I don't suppose you checked with your mother to see if she had the same dream with the roles switched?

  5. Over here in The Colonies, a "crafty fag" would mean a homosexual who excels at macrame or beadwork.

  6. Vicus I'm glad my mother isn't Mariella Frostrup. I wouldn't visit her if she were.

    Tim - I'm sure all Jack Hargreaves' relations smoked pipes. Even the children.

    Annie - I wanted her to give up for so many years more because I hated the smell than for the good of her health.

    Christopher - If she saw me with a cigarette in my mouth she'd sit bolt upright with surprise.

    MJ - And going out for one would suggest you could find one on every street corner, waiting for employment.

  7. It's difficult to give up. I once set fire to my 4 year old daughter in a car but still kept puffing away on 30 a day. What a bastard.

  8. It helped my mum that my stepdad gave up at the same time.