Saturday, March 20, 2010

F for Fake

This week I have learned how to make a fly-on-the-wall workplace documentary. The following guide is indispensable.

1. Don't worry about chronology. It doesn't matter when or where something really happens.

2. Set up false situations to make things more interesting. The protagonists will be happy to go along with this if you tell them it will make more interesting viewing.

3. Get your "stars" to ham it up for the camera. Create fake arguments to make it seem as if there is passionate debate when in reality things had already been decided beforehand.

4. Film some "quirky" footage in the building to make the atmosphere seem unreal and non-contemporary. Stupid people watching will be saying "what a surreal place to work, like going back in time. I would never have realised such places still existed if they ever did."

5. Film some completely unrelated footage featuring real celebrities who turn up at the workplace for no reason whatsoever. This gives your documentary a link to the "real" celebrity world which your viewers can use as a point of reference.

And last but not least...

6. Do not include the people doing the vast majority of the work. They will be too busy to put on an act.


  1. And then you can go home, invite a few neighbours (well, ok then...strangers) over and film the dinner party as your guests mooch through your personal belongings while you slave over a hot stove. Fantastic idea, we'll have to get it commissioned.

    No, wait...

  2. Too Busy?
    Tell the truth Geoff.
    We know that was you at the back with the placard saying 'HELLO BETTY!'

  3. Were you playing Martin Freeman or Mackenzie Crook?

  4. Istvanski - They're not coming near my home!

    Kaz - I was nowhere to be seen, thank God. I am not part of the decision making process.

    Rog - I was the taciturn accounts clerk, fond of his dinner.

  5. I thought you were the fly. On the wall.

  6. I am the fly tucking into the rodent shit.

  7. Sounds like reality TV.

    Was there a foul-mouthed Jade Goody character?

  8. Nothing so common, darling.