Saturday, March 17, 2007

My Eyes Are Red, My Nose Is Blue

Well, it's a Relief that's all over, isn't it?

The highlight of last night's extravaganza had to be the Mitchell & Webb snooker song with Chris de Burgh. It really was truly fucking abysmal and Betty was the luckier of the two of us in that she fell asleep after the ten second appearance of Kate Moss on the Little Britain debacle. We didn't sing along to the Proclaimers because although we're both bespectacled we have got a modicum of musical talent in that we can do Amy Winehouse's Rehab in pub singer voices which is a damn sight more entertaining than those 1980s hasbeens with their walking 1,000 miles. If they walked 500 miles away, why didn't they carry on walking 500 miles further into the fucking sea instead of walking 500 miles back to annoy us so? Peter Kay is the most overrated comedian of all time - he just sits there in that wheelchair doing fuck all, he has never ever made me laugh, what in God's name do you all see in him? Shite, shite and more shite all night long.

Don't get me wrong, we weren't actually watching it but watching a docudrama on the independence and division of India, just watching Comic Relief during breaks for urinating and refilling wine glasses. Betty thought Lord Mountbatten was quite dishy (well, actually the actor playing him). Gandhi wasn't played by Sir Ben Kingsley which I found disappointing as now my last image of Sir Ben is not of a blacked-up peacemaker but of a violent psychopathic gangster in Sexy Beast. Makes you wonder what would have happened if Ray Winstone was in charge of India's independence.

Still the funniest things to come out of my blog are the searches people use to get here. Here are the latest:-

1. Kung fu drawstring trousers
2. Does Noel Edmonds drink urine?
3. Grayson Perry posh bastards house
4. Does Prince Charles wipe his own arse?

I don't think he does.

Have a good weekend, y'all. I'm back to work on Monday for the run-up to the dreaded end of year.




I've just woken up from my afternoon nap and that pissing song is still in my head. I don't see why you should be spared from this crap.
Here's the link to the video if you want to see why I'm thinking about emigrating from this freakishly humourless land.



  1. Ray Winstone - a la Raj, can't be any sillier than Ray Winstone - Henry Vlll, can it? A recent treat on PBS over here.

  2. The Cockney King?

    I'd prefer a Winstone rendition of 'Enery The Eighth I Am I Am to the song I can't get out of my head:-

    "Peter Kay’s side-splitting collaboration with The Proclaimers! Get the single '(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles' featuring Phoenix Night's Brian Potter and Little Britain's Andy Pipkin right here!"

    It's worse (if that's possible) than the last Peter Kay collaboration - with Tony Christie (Is This The Way To Amarillo?) which annoyed me for months two years ago.

    Steve Wright played the original 500 Miles on Top of the Pops 2 last night presumably to prime us to buy the single. He didn't even mention Comic Relief, he just played it as if it was worth listening to out of a charity giving context.

    I don't want to turn the radio on, turn the tv on, go in a shop, walk past a brass band or go in a pub for the next year as I know I'm going to hear it and my heart is going to sink like a stone.

  3. I see that audience was a meeting of 'Has Beens reunited'.
    But can anyone tell me why the Proclaimers are so popular on Spanish radio??

  4. Don't tell me that, Kaz. Spain was one of the destinations I was going to emigrate to.

    It's one of those anomalies like why are the Tindersticks massive in Portugal? Why is David Hasselhof big in Germany? Why is James Blunt?

  5. I've never seen such a collection of old has-beens desperate for any bit of publicity under the guise of charity.
    But enough about the Blogland Book.

    (only joking Geoff ;-) just because I was cruelly tossed aside myself. I think you and Peter Kay are doing a fantastic job.)

  6. Little do people know that when I sit down to do a "funny" post, I sit in a wheelchair.

    It not only helps me get in the "comedy" frame of mind but I get to think about those worse off than myself at the same time. Especially if I'm composing a post specifically to help those in need.

  7. Ray Winstone was born to play Oscar Wilde, surely.
    Thanks a lot for the video by the way, you bastard.

  8. I'd like to have seen Lovejoy playing Jinnah.

  9. Realdoc - Ray could play almost anyone. Have you seen his cockney Hamlet? Glad to be of service re. the video. Everybody should see it.

    Billy - An all-white cast playing the asian characters. And Jimmi Harkishin playing Mountbatten. Gongs all round!

  10. I'm really sorry if I've offended you and your new friends Geoff. It won't happen again, I promise - well, I'll be taking my own life in about 45 minutes, so it would be a bit rum if it did, wouldn't it?

    Mind you, you kept your 'chummage' with that Emma Kennedy quiet....oh shit, it slipped out...

    Nice knowing you and L.U.V. on ya,


  11. Funny you should mention Em, Bob. A week ago I didn't have the slightest idea who she was. Now I'm between the covers with her and I realise what I've been missing. Me, Betty, Em and GWAOTM. I haven't stopped laughing since the weekend.

  12. Bob, all the hanging out with celebrities is starting to take its toll. Tonight we've got a dinner party at ours with Sir Lord Richard Curtis 'n' Emma Freud, Jen 'n' Ade 'n' Dawn 'n' Len. I'll probably be taking my own life in a couple of hours.

  13. Awesome video...what is up with the Mascots? That is just wrong on so many levels but it does help to explain why the Sun has set on the Empire.

    I think the guy on the left
    (in the wife beater)
    was the bass guitarist for Slade but he used to have those really short bangs.

    Ben Kingsley needs to undo that Sexy Beast pronto...maybe Bend It Like Beckham 2.

  14. Glad I could export some British culture to you, HE.

    We do it so well.