Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Say Cheese!

One of Gordon Brown's first tasks as Prime Minister is to cheer up a depressed nation. What with the state of education, health, housing, and the awful summer weather, Gordon is looking for something to elevate our spirits. And he thinks he's found the ideal pick-me-up.

"There was a golden age of comedy," says Gordon. "And that was the silent era, the era when two of Great Britain's greatest ever comedians, Stan Laurel and Charlie Chaplin, were making the world laugh until it cried."

Gordon's brainwave is to make the first ever national silent movie.

"We are the leaders in CCTV technology," says the PM. "We are a mere 1% of the world's population, yet we have in operation 25% of the world's surveillance cameras. On 23rd October 2007, I propose that we as a nation dress as our favourite silent screen star and walk in a funny manner in our streets. The Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police has kindly agreed to dress his men and women in the uniform of the Keystone Cops for the day. He has further promised me that any arrests made on that day will be made in an amusing and slapstick way."

There is a warning, however, for any would-be Harold Lloyds.

"I am afraid that all action must be confined to ground level. Anybody found scaling a building or hanging off a large clock 300 feet in the air will be most severely dealt with by the police, after they have followed the perpetrators on a rickety old ladder."

Footage of the day's events will be available on the Government's website. Participants will be able to search for film of themselves by entering a postcode and time of day.


  1. Brilliant Idea!

    I suppose anyone hanging from clock hands will still be ticked off though?

  2. What about if we are in a house that collapses all around us leaving us standing on top of a pile of rubble?

    I think that was Buster Keaton.

  3. Murph - Even if they say in their defence they were on a wind up.

    Billy - For that stunt you have to make sure the glass isn't in the windows. It's only ever been done by Buster Keaton and the cast of Last of the Summer Wine.

  4. Can anyone give me a hand pushing this rather cumbersome piano up the hill?

  5. Just a minute, Bill.

    By the way, I saw some cracking silent b&w footage of Stan Bowles the other day. He was the Stan Laurel of his time.

  6. In the light of the new desire for cross-party/thinking-outside-the-box consensus, Nicholas Soames has agreed to fill the ample trousers of Roscoe 'Fatty' Arbuckle, and Jamie Oliver will ensure that all custard pies include at least two portions of fruit and/or vegetables.

  7. Can someone else do a bit about the UK rail 'service' and one of those 'pull-up, push-down' cart whotsists on the track, with piano music in the background? It's too hot here and I'm having a margie for breakfast.

  8. If Jamie Oliver were to have his way, Toploader would reform to do the soundtrack.

    Unless Ocean Colour Scene were at a loose end.

  9. Arabella - I vote Richard Branson and Bob Crow to do the pulling up and pushing down. I'm sure they can work together.