Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Earworm Alert

"This is my least favourite song ever!" I hear from the other office as Smooth plays Don McLean's American Pie.

I agree, it is pretty shit. But it doesn't come close to my least favourite.

I haven't got one, though. I've got so many to choose from.

So I set myself a task. To compile a Nightmare Playlist. Twenty songs (not including novelty records and not having the same artist more than once) I never want to hear again. From the mawkish to the "right on".

So here goes...

1. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston

2. There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart) - Eurythmics

3. True - Spandau Ballet

4. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

5. Fields of Gold - Sting

6. Easy Lover - Phil Collins & Philip Bailey

7. Rock DJ - Robbie Williams

8. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison

9. Dancing In The Moonlight - Toploader

10. Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

11. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

12. Hello - Lionel Ritchie

13. Isn't She Lovely? - Stevie Wonder

14. 500 Miles - The Proclaimers

15. Sexuality - Billy Bragg

16. London Calling - The Clash

17. 1973 - James "The Cuntster" Blunt

18. Lady In Red - Chris De Burgh

19. It Must Be Love - Madness

20. Sex Bomb - Tom Jones

Christ, what a CD that would make. Have I missed any out? Can you think of a worse playlist? Have you got a least favourite song? What's your favourite crisp flavour, etc, etc...?


  1. Your 4, 6, 9, and 18 would be on my list. Add 'Tie A Yellow Ribbon', 'Land of Make Believe', 'China in Your Hand', 'Got My Mind Set On You' and 'I Did What I Did For Maria'.

    I don't much mind Whitney's effort in itself; but it's so inferior to Dolly Parton's original, it hurts.

    And I dislike 'American Pie', but it does boast the couplet "I know that you're in love with him/'Cos I saw you dancing in the gym", which sums up adolescent heartache as well as any words I know.

  2. Muskrat Love-Captain & Tenille
    Hocus Pocus-Focus
    Having My Baby-Paul Anka
    Ben-Michael Jackson
    Pina Colada Song-Rupert Holmes
    Honey-Bobby Goldsboro
    Loving You-Minnie Ripperton
    Seasons In The Sun-Terry Jacks
    Midnight At The Oasis-Maria Muldaur
    Feelings-Morris Albert
    Billy Don't Be A Hero-Bo Donaldson
    Making Love Out Of Nothing-Air Supply
    Fooled Around and Fell In Love-Elvin Bishop
    Baby I'm A Want You-Bread
    Hold My Hand-Hootie & Blowfish
    Ever Loved A Woman-Bryan AdamsUgh

    Ugh I could do this all day...

  3. You're mad! (...if you don't mind me saying...)

    #16 is a classic.
    I always liked #6 too.

    #18 and #1 can stay though, definitely.

    Other than that, I'm like you: far too many worst records to choose from. What's the worst of all? Dunno, but it'd probably be something by 50Cent or Kanye West or one of those other awful rappers.

  4. Now that's what I call Shite 178! Ironically it would probably sell by the shed load at Christmas. The Crematoriums are ringing to those mawkish ballads.

    Paul Weller could have made it in with just about anything.

  5. What a very great post. Too much admiration and praise on blogs altogether.

    Virtually anything by the Beautiful South. Ugh! Faugh! Just writing the name makes me feel queasy.

  6. Come On Eileen. I actually used to like this one but I've heard it too many times.

    Rasputin by Boney M?

  7. Oh, Billy!

    Ra-ra-rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine...

    He was a cat that really was gone. How can you not like it?

  8. What an excellent list - so subtle.
    You did so well to avoid the obvious.

    Amazingly they are mad about The Proclaimers 500 miles in Spain - as well as Sex Bomb which I heard used on a special programme to teach 'English as she is spoken'.

  9. Damn. Footman got here before me to exclaim how inferior the Houston version is to the Parton version of "I Will Always Love You." Parton's version can make a grown man cry. And not tears because he's listening to country music, before you say it.

    And double damn that Donn got here first with ANYTHING by Bobby Goldsboro or Paul Anka or Terry Jacks.

    Donn knows oh-too-well that Barry Manilow's "Copabana" is the earworm that won't go away for me. It's on some kind of bizarre endless loop in my brain and has been for years. It follows me around the room and everywhere I go. When oh when will I be free? I am not a Fanilow!

  10. Tim - I don't hate any of those. In fact my mum bought me Tie a Yellow Ribbon. And my dad wasn't even in prison.

    Donn - You've got some awful ones there. But I like Muskrat Love, though prefer the America version, Hocus Pocus (fuckin' great), Loving You (so sad), and Magic (you know). Ben reminds me of my first love and The Plague. So you're not into yoga?

    Frumps - You say I'm mad and you like Phil Collins AND The Clash? I can't describe how much I loathe Strummer's yowl.

    Murph - Probably Weller's You Do Something To Me. His "rockier" songs are more neck muscle workouts.

    Annie - Don't Marry Her, "Have" Me. LOL.

    Billy - I've got a friend who absolutely loathes Come On Eileen. As wedding songs go, it's not a patch on Hi Ho Silver Lining. Rasputin is borderline novelty and much better than Brown Girl In The Ring.

    Kaz - It takes a sweaty pervy Welsh pachyderm to sing the international language of love.

    MJ - A grown man would get on his knees and bury his tears in Dolly's consoling breasts. But surely Summer (The First Time) is the story of every young hetero male's first experience with the opposite sex. Music and laughter is all you're after, MJ!

  11. My God, I agree with almost everything on your list.
    I would hesitate to add 'Honey' simply because it's so unintentionally funny. I once blogged about it and attempted to write a parody.

    Like mj, Manilow songs often come into my head unbidden. But as I don't know the words, I have to make them up. Only yesterday I caught myself singing:
    "His name was Lola,
    He was a rent boy."
    It wouldn't have mattered but I was in the Co-op at the time.

  12. Willie: You were channeling the Kinks' Lola.

  13. Lay dee oh de lay dee oh de lay bum pa!
    Lay dee oh de lay dee oh de lay bum pa!

    dunnunnuna dunnunnuna
    dun duh dun duh

    you're serious?

  14. Well done Geoff, I think you've covered many hated songs on that list. I'd like to add everything else that Phil Collins has ever done and "Wonderful Tonight" by Clapton. That wanker has had it coming ever since Cream split up.

  15. Last night, thanks to your post and thanks to Donn, I dreamed I was watching a YouTube of Terry Jack's singing "Seasons in the Sun."

    My therapy bill is on its way to you.

  16. Willie - Those just happen to be the words Barry used when he first drafted the song.

    Donn - Yeah! Focus were my first love.

    Istvanski - Now you're plumbing the depths. That one slipped my mind.

    MJ - Don't blame me. Donn's upset Betty too with his Terry Jacks. I just remember it as a football chant. "We had joy, we had fun, we had ***** on the run." Bloody hooligans.

  17. mj: when you get to my age, there's so much detritus floating round your head, I dread to think what I might be channelling.

    geoff: you could well be right.
    Is Mr Manilow someone, like our own Cliff Richard, who has never yet met the right girl?

  18. Could be, Willie. And all that opportunity...

  19. geoff that is a pretty fine list!

    and yes - 'Wonderful Tonight' is dire, it would probably be number one on my 'worst ever' chart...and has nobody mentioned 'Imagine' yet? Or is that just too obvious?

  20. Oh dear. I own five of those songs.

    Bryan Adams. Everything I Do.


  21. The Girl Is Mine-Macca & Michael
    Bawitadaba-Kid Schlock
    Convoy-C W McCall
    Sometimes When We Touch-Dan Hill
    You Make Me Feel Like Dancing-Leo Sayer
    My Girl Bill-Jim Stafford
    Please Mr Custer-Verne Larry
    Hangin Tough-New Kids On The Block'
    Disco Duck-Rick Dees

    Oh Gawd Help me STOP!

  22. I like "London Calling"!

    My nightmare CD would have "Come On Eileen" - once a good party song, but it has been played way too often. Mind you, CDs by many modern pop (i.e. manufactured and marketed) bands and R'n'B (the pretender to the acronym) are nightmare CDs in my book.

  23. Beth - I don't actually mind Imagine now after many years of hating it. I learnt it on the guitar as a teenager.

    Boz - Number One for 5,000 weeks. And each week it was "Not Again!"

    Donn - You've got enough to fill an ipod. Dan Hill is a great ambassadoor for Canada. He is your greatest living comedian. Though he doesn't know it!

    Llewtrah - The Westlifes of this world are too bland for me to get worked up about them. Modern R&B is either bland or brilliant. I like more R&B than indie these days.

  24. Oh, so many crap songs, so little time.

    Oh hell, can't think. Back soon.

  25. Right!

    1 White Wedding (Billy 'punk's panto dame' Idol)
    2 Ever Changing Moods (Style Council and Paul Weller's haircut)
    3 Anything by second rate pub singer Van Morrison, but Brown Eyed Girl is as good as any.
    4 Simply The Best (Tina Turner - overdone at sporting events)
    5 Let Me Entertain You (Robbie Williams - see 4)
    6 War (Edwin Starr - bad memories of middle aged mums trying (and failing) to sing along on the Iraq march in Feb 2003)
    7 China Girl (David Bowie)
    8 Jet (Wings)
    9 Fairytale of New York (Pogues and Kirsty McColl)
    10 Holding Back The Years (Simply Red - could have been anything by that little nurk)
    11 Like A Virgin (Madonna - again, could've been anything)
    12 Pride - In The Name of Love (U2)
    13 Smile (Lily Allen)
    14 Red Red Wine (UB40)
    15 Wonderwall (Oasis)
    16 Don't You Want Me (Human League)
    17 Love Cats (The Cure - angst to plain silly in one smart step)
    18 A Good Heart (roll your sleeves down Feargal, for heaven's sake)
    19 Wow (Kylie Minogue). This actually makes me angry it's so bad. Radio 2 followed it the other week with Love Will Tear Us Apart.
    20 Come On Eileen (never was any good and just gets worse the more dodgy uncles dance to it at weddings.)

  26. Apart from nos 6, 8, 9, 11, 16, a pretty awful party compilation, Malc. I'd like to machine-gun a dance floor full of students dancing to Love Cats.

  27. You scumbag you maggot you cheap lousy faggot!

  28. What have I done now? :(