Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Election Special

Remember when I said I was going to publish my book of poems?

Well, when it comes down to it I can't be bothered. They're throwaway, anyway. Not the sort of poems that Phill fucking Jupitus or Griff fucking Rhys fucking Jones could get their teeth into. I'm a pleb with simple tastes, no potential literary giant.

What's really occupying my mind is who to vote for. I don't know why I'm getting all uptight this time round. Is it Labour or Lib Dem or Green on the pro-European side? Or will I go anti-EU and vote for Arthur Scargill's or Bob Crow's party.

Tony Benn's supporting communist/capital punishment fan Crow. Tony Benn's a very nice man, a Christian David Attenborough. How can a nice Christian get into a political bed with an atheist who believes in an eye for an eye? It's all very confusing.

Scargill's a nutjob who's still fighting the miners' strike. He's preaching solidarity with the Tolpuddle martyrs, apparently unaware they died in 1968.

And what about naughty Labour? They took us into an illegal war, don't you know? Blood is on Labour's hands. Gordon Brown shook hands with the devil Bush! So the Lib Dems are telling me. And the Lib Dems have got criminals talking with victims in Chard and reoffending in Chard is down to approximately 0%. It brings a tear to my eye. Just imagine a rapist sitting down with his victim, promising he won't do anything she doesn't want next time.

The Greens want to stop all animal testing on drugs. I'm not so sure that is a very good idea. I'm pretty certain the drugs I take were tested on animals. "Yes, but humans are very different from animals. You might as well test drugs on vegetables." Yeah, right.

Oh dear. What is one to do? Who are you going to vote for? And why?


  1. Who are you going to vote for?

    The one who hasn’t had his moat cleaned.

  2. Put me in a booth with a pencil and I'll vote Labour 99% of the time- though I did vote for Arthur's lot (or was it Respect?) as an anti war statement when Bliar was our leader.
    This time I shall vote tactically - which will probably mean lib dem and Limp Biskit.
    But basically (after reading his biography) I think Gordon is coming from the right place even though he is an unmitigated disaster.

  3. I've no idea if I'm registered enough to vote, I got a bit of card through my door, and that was it. I'll give it a go..

    I like to think I'm more clued up with my politics than my other student pals, but everyone seems rubbish this time around. We've got no Obama in a shining white suit surrounded by doves and a blaze of optimism, just different shades of manure-colour and their baffling/weird/offensive/patronising policies...

  4. It's a quandary Geoff. Yer Libdems DID predict the financial meltdown AND were the only ones to vote against the lunacy of the Iraq War ...but... they think we should be governed from Brussels and the Cheeky Girls.
    I'd vote for Robin Cooke if he were around. Now we're surrounded by conviction politicians - with convictions for fraud!

  5. Write a poem on the ballot paper.

  6. Apparantly the Labour man told someone we needed to vote Green to keep the BNP out. That's good enough for me.

  7. I wanted to vote Brewster McCracken for Austin mayor this month. But as I'm a resident alien I'm not allowed to partake in the democratic process.

    Your lot sound like an absolute shower so publish your poems instead and do us all some good.

  8. MJ - "My moat Hell."

    Kaz - But the North West is relatively strong for Labour. When I voted for the Lib Dems tactically they came last. I think Gordon's heart's in the right place and there's only so much you can do in a world controlled by big business.

    Cal - It's very difficult when you don't know anything about the individual candidates. It's even the same for Parliamentary elections unless the candidates are in the media a lot. You vote for a party and hope that who you are voting for isn't a twat. I'm sure a lot of them aren't but then I'm sure a lot of them are. One thing for sure is that they are not all the same.

    Rog - You're in prime UKIP country what with all those Dutch immigrants taking locals' jobs working the windmills. I'm sure there are plenty of good people in the Labour Party and some of them even get selected to stand.

    Billy - The counters would only take the piss out of me.

    Beth - That sounds totally illogical so it's probably correct.

  9. Arabella - Brewster's a great name for a politician. In fact it's just a great name. It looks like such a pain publishing with Lulu. And there's always the chance I could be the next Mark Miwurdz.

  10. Oh, vote Lib Dem... they haven't had a go in...? How many years...?

  11. Not even sure if I'm registered with where I'm living. Did get alot of leaflets in the post the other day, including one from the BNP.

  12. Scarlet - I remember Lloyd George. Or was it Lowell George? Always get those two mixed up.

    Emerson - I'm going to recycle my BNP one into toilet paper.

  13. It's a shame Screaming Lord Sutch is no more.

    In France (this statement may be flawed as we're not entitled to vote in all elections) you can add by hand the name of the person you wish to vote for at the foot of the ballot paper, whether he/she is standing or not. I believe I got 2 votes in the last local elections, neither of them mine. Could this be a solution for you?


    (Just put that in to rock the boat a bit.)

  14. Sutch's number two, Alan Hope is still around. He once served me crabstick curry in his pub as he'd run out of prawns.

    Adding somebody's name is an excellent idea. Barbara Windsor could be MEP for London no trouble.

    Tory? I hope that's old school bacchanalian Tory.