Monday, September 14, 2009

Nothing Idyllic (For Liz Jones)

Country life is not for the faint-hearted, It is red in both tooth and claw. Yet it happens time and time again that a city dweller has a totally unrealistic chocolate box idea of the country and without a great deal of research foolishly ups sticks and moves to what they think will be a rural idyll.

But there's nothing idyllic about mucking out your own husband's shit. Nothing idyllic about having a ewe vomit into your face as your husband pulls out a bloody, gunky newly-born lamb as his shit runs down his legs into his Wellington boots. Nothing idyllic about having to drive 30 miles to a chemist for Imodium as your husband sits in the back of the Land Rover, shitting into a bucket. Nothing idyllic about having your husband shit on you during intercourse as he cannot control his bowels as he ejaculates. Nothing idyllic about hosting a dinner party round the Aga and as you tuck into your organic lamb you hear your husband in the adjoining lavatory, evacuating for England. Nothing idyllic about having lunch in a quiet country pub and your husband coming out of the Gents letting loose a noxious smell which permeates the bar for the next 20 minutes.

No, country living is no bed of roses. But I would not want it any other way.

15 comments:

  1. Erm... I think this is more to do with marriage than the rural idyll... and since when has a man been able to get it up whilst being that ill?
    Sx

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  2. You've got to rub Liz Jones' face in it. Everybody's doing it. You've got to be tough in the country, you have to endure real hardships, or you get the hell out.

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  3. The sum of all fears I should think.
    It all sounds monstrously uncomfortable and inconvnenient.
    No Thanks.
    Country life is for the birds.

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  4. Geoff: Liz Jones vs Wife in the North.

    Which is the most monstrous? I genuinely can't decide.

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  5. Donn - You need a lot of money to live in the country. Then you can say what a hard but rewarding life it is.

    Spin - Wife in the North by a landslide. Liz Jones is a little bit Carla Lane so I have a bit of sympathy for her.

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  6. Bloody 'ell Geoff!
    I'm glad I've 'ad me tea.

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  7. I promise this is a one off. I've calmed down now.

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  8. I've no idea who Liz Jones is but would be in the queue to shit on Wife in the North.

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  9. What's that smell coming from the Aga?

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  10. Has the public been warned that there is a dangerous Carla Lane clone roaming the countryside?

    Can anyone seriously be as mad as Carla?

    I really do need to go and lie down.

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  11. Yes, who is Liz Jones and where did she make you so cross? I feel as though I should be cross too, but I don't know why.

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  12. Lucien - The countryside is full of them. Liz feeds her pet chickens organic linguine from Carluccio's, according to Janet Street-Porter.

    Beth - I am imagining what it is like to have a second home in the country and have your hard, sweaty, uncomfortable multi-acre wood-chopping life denigrated by such a nutty townie bitch.

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  13. it's always a mistake to go back and read posts you missed - I hope you're feeling better!

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  14. I went away and found out who she is. I feel soiled now.

    You would think she would have maybe *one* friend who might have a quiet word with her?

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  15. Ziggi - Yes, thank you.

    Beth - I think her best friend may not be human.

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