We leave the house to go to the shops. Mr Noisy Next Door is walking towards his front door. A dirty crappy old mini cooper has appeared overnight and is parked next to our car.
"I see you've got one of the old minis," I say, trying to be friendly.
"Don't worry," he says. "I'll cover it up soon. She'll only moan".
He points up at Mrs Next Door's window.
"I like the old minis," I lie, thinking of The Fucking Italian Job and You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.
"I'm going to get a turbo lump for it. You can have a go in it when I've done it up".
I don't know what a turbo lump is but it sounds like he's going to make it into a fast little motor.
"No, it's alright. I only like to look at old cars," I say, worried that if I were to drive it I'd write off both the car and myself. "So you're going to do it up?"
"Yeah. Should make three or four thousand. Once I get it smartened up and get the turbo lump fitted."
He's towering over me, looking down at me with a fast car lover's enthusiasm. As if I'm really itching to get behind the wheel of his little death trap.
"I can see you really fancy a drive. You'll have to wait a bit longer, though. Once I get it spruced up and get the turbo lump fitted. You know with the mini, it's a fun car. You may only be doing 70 but it feels like you're doing over 100 because you're so close to the ground. You'll love it. Don't worry, once I get going on it, it won't take too long. You'll get your chance."
"No, it's alright. I only like to look at old cars."
Put On Your Big Boy Shorts
21 hours ago