Friday, June 02, 2006

Bragging Rights

Smiling sweetly, she thrusts a leaflet in my hand.

It's a leaflet advertising a gentlemen's hairdressers I used to go to.

Friendly & Professional Hairdressers
Have a Haircut from our mainly Lady Barbers
Specialists in Long and Short Styles

My hair's short but I don't think I've ever had a "style", unless you count the time I went to Demop, the same week I bought a pair of trousers from Demob. What a cool dude I was that week!

Now my trousers are from M&S and my hair is cut by Betty with some Phillips clippers. It's neat, tidy and presentable, and it's done by my favourite woman with loving care. Not by a stranger, no matter how scissor-gentle or alluring she may be.

So I don't need to go back to my mainly Lady Barbers. A good job because I might get the urge to ask just how many of them are Ladies.


I would be extremely happy if I never saw or heard Billy Bragg ever again. He's there on the Bob Dylan documentary, he's there on Question Time, he's there on the early evening local tv news, he's there on Cup Final Day for Christ's sake.

And the other night, while I was on the blog, he was featured on BBC Radio 6's Tom Robinson Show. And why is he everywhere? Because he once bought John Peel a mushroom biryani. The BBC = The Boring Boys' Club.

It's like the 90s never happened. Tom 'Motorway' Robinson telling us what a treat we've got later on. What's the treat, Tom? Billy Bragg live from 1995! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

We hear an excerpt from Sexuality, or "A nice big mugga tea," sung by an Essex builder as it translates to my sensitive ears. A nice big mugga tea wiv the miwk of 'uman kindness, Billy me old china.

Has there ever been a more depressing voice in music than Billy Bragg's? Couple that with his jarring solo electric guitar and all you need to add is a bit of Ben Elton stand-up to the bill and you're in 80s hell. No wonder the Tories lasted so long!

I'd even take a supergroup containing Sting, Annie Lennox and Phil Collins over the Bard from Barking.


Should have been barred years ago.


  1. I misread your leaflet as "Have a Haircut from our MANLY Lady Barbers"

  2. Oooh, I wish you'd been around when I had my 'old' blog. There was a whole diatribe about Billy Bragg. It was a veritable feast of hate for him. What a prick!

    It seems that hair is a common theme today...

  3. MJ - (Deep voice) "Something for the weekend, sir?"

    Molly - I'm thinking of getting a red wedge. Do you think it'd suit me? And thank you for making me part of your poem.

  4. Bragg and Tom Robinson. What a couple of tedious dullards.

    That's all I have to say.

  5. MJ - I could hold my own with Fred Astaire.

    Wyndham - Tom's got his finger on the pulse. He says it's still beating.

  6. Do I take it you don't like Ben Elton either. That's either as in Bragg or Elton either, or Elton is disliked by not me or you either.

    Sorry, been at the rum again. This is incoherent isn't it? "Bah-tween va-ah worz".

    xx smug bastard ;)

  7. Billy Bragg is everywhere, true.

    But at least when he's talking, he's not singing. Be thankful for small mercies, eh?

  8. Krusty - I hate Ben Elton so much -I spent the 80s being called "Ben Elton" by drunken twats. And I'm so much better looking than him.

    Spin - I'm not so sure. At least I can have a laugh when he's singing by singing along with him and drowning him out.

  9. And Krusty - I don't think you're smug at all.

  10. A bit like Dylan, he wrote some fair tunes as long as someone else was singing them, preferably Kirsty McColl. Well, one anyway.

    Red Wedge. Titter. Weller's another one. Yes, come on kids, let's make politics interesting for you with some rich popstars. Politicians, eh? Eh?

  11. Yes, Richard is exactly right on the Dylan issue here. Great songs for other people to sing.

    Jeez, I think you probably hate Ben Elton even more than I do. Hats off and respect.

  12. Why were drunken twats calling you Ben Elton?

  13. Because I wore glasses and looked like a wanker.

    But without the suit or the mullet.

  14. Anyone seen We Will Rock You?

    Neither have I.

  15. Paul Weller - NO!
    Billy Bragg - NO!
    Ben Elton - NO! Gave my friend an STD at the Edinburgh Festival. He must die.

  16. Eh? Where's a Daily Mail hack when you need one?

  17. Molly - but it's compulsory to contract an STD at the Edinburgh Festival. They have medics at Waverly Station, and they won't let you onto the southbound trains if you don't have any pustules or discharge. They say it demonstrates that you haven't been enjoying yourself in the appropriate manner.

    I tried to get out of it in 1991 by showing symptoms of cirrhosis and cholesterol poisoning, but they said no, it's a dose or nothing, the noo. So I had to negotiate a quicky against the Scott Memorial with a Slovenian anarcho-juggler, get a blood test from an auld fart who looked as if he'd had Burke and Hare on his payroll, and catch the late train.

  18. Well, you see, if you'd done the right thing and used a happy haggis wouldn't have had that problem. I find that always works well when I'm up there.

    But the battered Mars Bars sometimes get through.

    Whatcha doing hanging around jugglers anyway...I warned you about that! Never do a juggler.

    Sneak past those medics and pass it on...just like that game you played as kids..just peel off another's painful..but look at the prize! And you can get it for free!

    Too much sherry again missus. Lol.