Monday, July 10, 2006

What a Tuna Smith

A heartwarming tale for a change.

Remember the exploding tuna incident? Well, I wrote to Sainsbury's to explain exactly what had happened. I'd been advised not to complain but just to state facts and this seemed to work as I received an apology and a voucher for £20 to spend in any Sainsbury's store.

Naturally I was very happy about this and I spent the extra money on some CDs in HMV, as I usually spend more than £20 in Sainsbury's on a Saturday anyway.

The company were really apologetic and described exactly what had happened to the tins of tuna...

"The tins of tuna in spring water were recalled because there was a sealing fault during the manufacturing process. This meant that bacteria could enter the product and cause a build up of gas, which meant that the tins were exploding."

Well, it sounds like I had a lucky escape.

And to demonstrate how happy I am that I survived this ordeal, I've written a little song that Sainsbury's may or may not wish to use as part of their next advertising campaign. I'm not so vain as to wish to appear in the video, complete with exploding tins of tuna, but I would suggest they use the St Winifred's Male Voice Choir to sing the song. I can hear it in my head and I'm sure you will if you can remember the tune...


SAINSBURY'S, WE LOVE YOU

Sainsbury's, we love you
Sainsbury's, we do
Though you may be far away
We think of you

My tuna in spring water
Exploded over me
I smelled like shit and had to have
A bath at three thirty
The walls and sink were covered
With bacterial stink
It made me sick to contemplate
Even one meal or drink

Sainsbury's, we love you
Sainsbury's, we do
Though you may be far away
We think of you

I wrote to Sainsbury's pronto
They gave me 20 pounds
I spent the extra spondoolicks
On hip and trendy sounds

Sainsbury's, we love you
Sainsbury's, we do
Sainsbury's, we love you
Sainsbury's, we do

There's no one quite like Sainsbury's
A love we always share
At party time and Christmas too
We know it will be there
There's no one quite like Sainsbury's
It always has a queue
It never hurries us along
And gives us cash back too

Sainsbury's, we love you
Sainsbury's, we do
Though you may be far away
We think of you

And one day when we're older
We'll look back and say
There's no one quite like Sainsbury's
It made our fucking day

Sainsbury's, we love you
Sainsbury's, we do
Sainsbury's, we love you
And we know you love us too

19 comments:

  1. I can see that authentically Cocknee geezer Jamie Oliver singing this.

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  2. That is a brilliant song and not just for the use of the word "spondoolicks".

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  3. I think we should get The Fleesh to record it.

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  4. I see Jamie in the video, his whole face dripping with rotten tuna.

    Definitely St Winifred's in the background but I'm not so sure about Fleeshman for lead vocals. I know the young ladies have the hots for him but what about the old'uns?

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  5. Richard Fleeshamn8:59 PM

    I'll put it to my manager but I'm not sure my Mum will enjoy me singing some of those words so maybe Geoff's right there. I'm not sure it'll work though becuase people see me as Manchester and it's all Morrissons up here

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  6. Richard, if people see you as a Manchester phenomenon, perhaps you might consider covering a Fall song as your debut single. How about Muzorewi's Daughter? That would probably suit your vocal range.

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  7. Richard Fleeshamn11:44 AM

    I'm not a fan, I only know one Fall song, the one about effolding money or something. I did meet that Mark Smith bloke a little while ago because he was in the audience at Stars in their Eyes. Thought he was a bit odd.

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  8. If you're seen as Manchester, Richard, why not try a song by that great Manchester band Sad Cafe? I'm sure they'll be more to your and your fanbase's tastes.

    Bollocks to the Sainsbury's song (I haven't heard a dickie bird from them about it anyway), let's all try and find a song for Richard to sing to top the charts. Maybe I ought to do a post, A Song For Richard Fleeshman. Come on, let's get him away from that Walking In Memphis crap.

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  9. A cover of Spacemen Three's Revolution.

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  10. Anything by Freddie and the Dreamers. They were from Salford.

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  11. Ah, but what groovy music did Geoff purchase? Fish? Hot Tuna? Can?

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  12. Richard - It could be a tribute to Freddie. Nice.

    Tim - Wasn't really hip & groovy. Just some stuff in the HMV Sale: Rufus Thomas, Cream, Burning Spear, even Humble Pie! Yeah, I know. More money than sense.

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  13. You are so honoured to have a real soap star in your blog. But I seem to remember his mum was a Corkhill from Brookside so he’s a scouser not a Manc.
    Oh and we have Morrissey not Morrisons.
    Just to set the record straight.

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  14. Kaz, his Mum was Gloria Todd in Corrie a long time before she was in Brookside but she was born a Scouser. She left Corrie because she was pregnant with Richard. Not quite sure what that would make him. He could do what everyone else does when they don't want to be either and say they come from Warrington.
    I think he might mean Morrissons the supermarkets and anyway, doesn't Morrissey live in Americay now?

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  15. I think we've got enough people for our own little British Corrie blogging community now.

    MJ can be our honorary overseas member.

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  16. Bloody hell Richard - so that's why I couldn't buy any baked beans at Morriseys

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  17. Morrisey's is crap for barbecue stuff, as well. It's sodding tofu and roast tomatoes and all that it bloody evaporates as soon as you get it near the charcoal. I keep telling them at customer services that you need blood and fat for a good barbie but they won't listen.

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  18. Your song is fantastic. I love it.

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  19. Thank you, Molly.

    You wouldn't want me singing it, though.

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