Monday, July 17, 2006

Why We Don't Go To Festivals

Watching the Julien Temple Glastonbury documentary, I was thinking to myself, "there but for the grace of God go'd I."

Because if I'd had more outgoing friends, who knows, maybe I'd have spent some time at festivals, getting no sleep and throwing up my guts as I tried to hold my breath during my daily motions. And of course wanting to murder about 90% of the people on the site.

I wasn't surprised by the images we saw on the doc:-

Keith Allen playing the wanker as usual
Billy Bragg being deadly dully earnest as usual
Joe Strummer acting the BIG man - ooh, I'm so much in awe!

And even more sick-making, the close-ups of the poo-suctioning as three brave men empty the lavs. Yuck!

But the most interesting question brought up by this visual history of the greatest festival in the world was posed by Betty.

"Why do hippies have so much pubic hair?"

They're dancing around, stark bollock naked, but you can't see anything rude because of the barrier of an enormous thatch of thick, black, greasy hair.

And the men are just as bad with their penises seemingly being strangled by a hairy lava that's spewing from the volcanic mouth of the navel, suffocating the bollocks under a pillow of pubes.


  1. I don't know about pubic hair, but hair in generally see the below:
    "Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bold-headed men are uptight."

  2. erm.. that should be "bald" headed men. Obviously.

  3. So that's why Michael Eavis never got his kecks off.

  4. Ghastly!
    I believe that Hippys have a contrarian 'I am as the good Lord made me' attitude that prevents them from reading about current hygenic pubic fashion and etiquette. Regretably trimmin' the hedge into fanciful yet practical designs is eschewed. A copy of Maxim, Playboy or even Cosmo would go a long way.

    Thank goodness that the smell of patchouli and grass overwhelm the senses around these creatures.

    You failed to mention the mandatory 'fur'ocious foliage exploding from the Hippy-chick armpits? I guess it is there to distract you from the gargantuan underbrush.

    Excuse me while I peruse some cleaved beaverage to erase this apparition...

  5. You see... what you need is a bit of Topiary. A bird perhaps. Or perhaps a tame it.

  6. Geoff, I think you may have well found your métier. I can see "Geoff and Betty's Travelling Festival Under-Trimmery" travelling the length and breadth of Britain.

  7. *Snort*
    ROTetc etc
    Please go to a festival Geoff.
    Who knows what more wonders you may behold.

  8. This sounds like a job for Mr. Baldnutz

  9. Are you sure they weren't merkins?

  10. Grown men jumping about bollock naked like little kids? Billy Bragg? Joe Strummer? KEITH ALLEN!!??
    What's not to hate? What's not to drop napalm on?

  11. Just out of interest, MJ, how did you find out about the web-presence of Mr Baldnutz? It's not the kind of site that pops up by accident.

  12. I have actually been to festivals, both "the Glasto" and others. Apart from the opportunity to drink spiced cider in large quantities the best thing was for the first time in my life, feeling like a retired Tunbridge Wells based-colonel, muttering about how they should all get shot. And hear someone singing a song about dog-shit.

  13. "So that's why Michael Eavis never got his kecks off."

    I just had a nasty mental image of Mr Eavis in the altogether. There was dense, grey, coarse, dandruffy matting swaddling his pendulous nutsack*, but nothing immediately above.

    (Was it David Hockney who said of Auden, "Christ, if his face is so wrinkled, what the hell does his scrotum look like?")

  14. Eavis wouldn't be too much work for Mr Baldnutz.

    And maybe he charges cheaper rates for senior citizens.

    And even cheaper for parties of senior citizens - a load of old bollocks.

  15. *laffs at Geoff's 'load of old bollocks' comment*

    Richard: Mr. Baldnutz runs his business from Vancouver and I live in Vancouver. His ads can be seen in the Classifieds of our local alternative weekly newspaper, "The Georgia Straight." Not that I've gone looking for it, you understand.

  16. I've been going to festivals for fifteen years and I have only ever seen ONE bollock-naked hippy.

    Well, it was a lady hippy, so no actual bollocks involved.

    She was moderately hirsute

  17. I'm a bit concerned that I may have offended my more pubicly hirsute readers.

    Not to mention my more publicly pubicly hirsute readers.

  18. Oh, festivals are all safe now. They're about as shocking and revelatory as a trip to Ikea. Except there's never anywhere to sit down when it rains.

    And nice of Keith Allen to send his daughter forth to irritate a whole new generation.

  19. I'd rather go to Ikea than a festival any day.

    And I'd rather go almost anywhere else than Ikea.

  20. I'll take the festival over Ikea. There are two Ikea's in the Lower Mainland and I haven't been to either of them for at least 3 years.

  21. You don't get free pencils at Glastonbury, though.

  22. Free pencils? Oh well then. I'm off to Ikea.

  23. And the hotdogs are cheaper at Ikea

  24. Where are these festivals? At all the festivals I've ever been to, people are mercifully clothed!