Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Today's Management Decision

11 a.m.

Here we go again. We've had ducklings, a duck, pigeons, a seagull. Now we've got another juvenile seagull on top of the building outside our office fire escape window.

Like all those others, it can't fly away. Poor fucker.

Women are clucking around it, talking to it like it's a human baby, feeding it fishy cat food, keeping its bowl (yes, its bowl) topped up with fresh drinking and bathing water.

The RSPB say there's a bloke in Yorkshire who's a volunteer who may be able to arrange for another local volunteer to take it to the coast and release it into the wild. That's what happened with the other seagull - you'll see it at Hastings next time you're there. The Society say that if it is uneconomical for someone to come (credit crunch alert!) it shouldn't be fed out of a dish but food should be spread all over the roof, dotted around in small portions so the bird gets used to the scavenging lifestyle. Its mother may encourage it to fly and, who knows, it may take off.

The fat fucker's had six tins of cat food in two days!

The women have not called the RSPCA as "they put birds down".

What to do? What to do?


12.15 p.m.

A bloke from the office next door turns up with an RSPCA warden. She picks up the screeching bird.

"I see you're feeding her," she says. "Do you want me to leave her here?"

"Where would you take him?"

"To a wildlife sanctuary," says the warden. "Do you want me to take her?"

"What do you think, Geoff?"

"Yes, please. Take it."


  1. I have a theory about why the UK is ground zero for animal lovers.
    Living on an island that has had every mammal that weighed more than 10 pounds eradicated about 10,000 years ago has resulted in a subconscious ubiquitous collective guilt.
    Here in the colonies where we still have many large predators that will devour you while you are out walking has had the opposite effect.

    Personally I would much rather only need to worry about a Hedgehog nibbling on my bum than the thought of a 1,000 pound Bear dragging me out of my tent in the middle of the night and crushing my skull with a swat from a 20 pound paw.

    So rejoice in the knowledge that a little 'Air Rat' is being rescued and the worst that can come of it is that it will someday crap on your head while you're out for a stroll.

    btw I am forced to relocate a nest from an eavestrough this morning that is full of chirping little mouths..idiot mother bird started late and picked a horrible location...since Darwinian forces have been slow to rectify the sitch I am now going to play please don't tell the gals in the office.

  2. They do say about that Geoffrey in accounts ... he's got an eye for the gulls.

    (word ver porfarq ...honest!)

  3. PS there's no animal lovers round here Donnn. Try Wales.

  4. Cat food???

    I've seen loads of seagulls loitering around in Lincoln town centre and I know exactly what they like:

    Discarded bags of chips!

    Not sure if they like curry sauce though.

    Hell, yeah, bring on the sauce!

  5. Running off to work but will return later.

    The sentence "The fat fucker's had six tins of cat food in two days!" will have me laughing all day.

  6. I see there was some doubt about whether it was a he or a she.

    I don't suppose the peregrine falcon or sparrowhawk would have cared too much.

    That's nature for ya!

  7. Donnnnn - I'm not sure that the humanisation of animals is that widespread - for every daffy old woman there's probably a cruel young man. A girl did nearly lose her leg from an adder bite the other day so we're catching up with you on the dangerous critter front. Beavers are being introduced don't you know!

    Murph - Yes, and my favourite music video is Duran Duran's Gulls On Film. It's what video was made for.

    Frumps - They'll eat anything non-fishy and aren't shy about snatching from the mouth. Betty almost has the scars to prove it.

    MJ - You can teach a gull to fish but if it's on a plate...

    Kaz - I think the warden worked out it was a she as it didn't cock its leg to piss down her trousers. I was asked if we did the right thing in letting her be taken away. I said the clue's in the name. Royal Society for the PREVENTION OF CRUELTY to Animals.

  8. Why doesn't this gull shoplift like the other gulls?

  9. "We'd discourage people from feeding gulls though, as gulls in towns generate lots of complaints every year, and the availability of food is the only reason they live in urban settings."

    If it was a choice between being fed cat food and crisps or scavenge on the tip I know which I'd choose.