Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Victorian Restaurant, Bexleyheath: An Apology

Back in December 2006, I unfairly wrote a very unflattering review of The Victorian Restaurant, Bexleyheath. Since then my review has not left the front page of Google searches for the restaurant and people have been reading the post in droves.

Today I had my first comment from one of my new readers. They wrote the following...

"I can tell you would not know a first class meal at a resonable price if it bit you on your Burburry cap covered empty heads. Stick to MacDonalds you cheap, moronic, unappreciative egits.

By the way the Victoria Restaurant is a fantastic place to eat, we had our company Christmas do there and found the food, wine, surroundings and staff to be excellent."

I must say I am humbled and I wish to put on record that my experience in the restaurant was tainted by a brain disorder that was shortly afterwards corrected by some very strong prescription drugs.

That December I was in the grip of an irrational hatred for French food. Frogs' legs, snails, foie gras, petits filous, anything French in fact. That day I purposely ordered an English roast, knowing full well that this was the equivalent of choosing omelette and chips in an Indian restaurant. This marked me out as common to the core and fully deserving of a teaspoon of the head chef's spunk mixed in with my gravy. Not that that sort of thing actually goes on. I mean, can you imagine Gordon Ramsay knocking one out into the watercress soup as he effs and jeffs his way through a tense evening populated by incompetent staff and rude customers?

So, dear readers, if ever you're in Bexleyheath, come and join me for some top notch French cuisine. The Duck A L'Orange sounds right up my rue!


  1. What I like about this post is that I still have no idea whether you're being on the level. I shall read it again tomorrow morning when my own very strong prescription drugs have worn off.

  2. "...can you imagine [insert name of top chef here] knocking one out into the watercress soup as he effs and jeffs his way through a tense evening..."

    'Fraid not. Surely, being busy people, top chefs would usually bulk freeze large quantities of, er ... additives. Best not ask for ice in your drinks if you ever revisit that Victorian place.

  3. Arabella12:01 AM

    Like Wyndham, I did wonder if I'd been 'Glenda'd'. I'm not on strong prescription drugs but will try a few beers with my nightly progesterone tablet and a re-read.

  4. I'm more than a little surprised, to say the least, that you wear a Burberry cap.

  5. And now you'll get hate mail from Gordon Ramsay.

    He'll make sure that duck is no spring chicken.

  6. Your watercress soup will be given a welcome piquancy with a little cumin.

    (Oz wants the link to the coat supplier btw)

  7. Wyndham - The comment was genuine, as is my guilt at possibly putting people off what may have been a great night out.

    Frumps - You are pulling the wool from my eyes. Michel Roux and additives?

    Arabella - The stuff on here only gets worse with re-reads. You'll need that drink.

    MJ - You see, Anonymous knows me better than you do. How long have you known me now?

    Kaz - I've just received a tirade from

  8. Murph: Very good! Can Oz do the "feel sorry for me" look, though? I bet you can.

  9. Anyone who uses the phrase "our company Christmas do" without irony is hardly in a position to condemn anybody else on the basis of socio-economic status.

    All hail the petit bourgeoisie. Is he a character from Abigail's Party, or what?

  10. Of course company Christmas dos are not known for the quality of the food and wine, the attentiveness of the waiting staff and the civilised atmosphere.

    So if the Victorian Restaurant pulled all those off it's worthy of several Michelin stars.

    I presume they ate from the a la carte menu.

  11. You have just made me realise that perhaps Gordon does in fact jizz into his (in my case) lobster ravioli. My (rich younger) brother took me and my other (not rich) brother to Gordon Jizzsay at Claridges a few years ago - I was going to send my starter back as it was soooo salty it actually stung my tongue and was pretty fucking rough quite frankly. We didn't for fear of being asked to leave and my brother (who had the same thing) said it was delicious. I know he was in because I saw him poncing around in his whites with Jennifer Ellison - who also looked like she was cooking - maybe it was her the cow? Anyway - it was shit apart from the petits fours.

  12. Wasn't that the episode of Hell's Kitchen in which Jennifer thought "3 tsp" was three tablespoons?

  13. Maybe the restaurant was having a bad day when you went? It gets embarrassing if your page comes *above* their official page and you get snottygrams from the restaurant itself.

  14. I'm sixth and rising.

    And I'm barred.