Sunday, September 28, 2008

No Sweat, Man

Ever since giving up using antiperspirants some years ago after a rather nasty stickiness under my right armpit developed, I've experimented with different types of "natural" deodorants.

I used Trust for a few years. You put it on once every five days and you "trust" it to work. It does to a certain extent. In times of stress at work, however, you can just sense the body odour breaking through.

I've tried PitRok, Bionsen, Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Roll On and Body Shop For Men. Once again, at times of stress they all let you down. The other people in my jury group probably still remember me as "the nervous-looking guy who smelt of fresh sweat. Not revoltingly unpleasant but he really could have done something about it".

Back when I was becoming a meat eater again after years of vegetarianism, I had a problem with chicken. In those early days of meat-eating, chicken made my face muscles twitch. I was getting used to a different kind of protein and my body was reacting appropriately. Something similar happened to me with antiperspirants.

I tried antiperspirants on a regular basis, about once every three months. Each time I got a very unpleasant reaction, a dragging ache emanating from the armpit area. The ache kept me awake and I always went back to my more "natural" deodorants after a few days.

Recently my stress levels have risen again and I've been scared of going near people. This time I thought "fuck it, either I go to Lush and stink out the whole of the office or I bite the bullet and force my pathetic body to accept antiperspirants. I did it with fucking chicken, surely a grown man can handle a bit of discomfort for a while."

So I bought a jar of Arrid Cream.

"Safely checks problem perspiration"
"Unperfumed and non-irritating"
"Will not stain or harm clothing"
"Keeps you fresh all day long"

"Use every day to be sure you are safe from perspiration problems, safe from odour. Apply under arms. Rub in well. Wipe off excess."

And guess what? After a few days discomfort I have broken through the barrier and my body is accepting the cream with no side effects. I feel so confident. I can go into meetings, bust some balls, lean over women's shoulders to explain spreadsheets, hug sales staff when they make a deal, punch the air when profits are up, abseil, build bricks above my head, shoot paintball and get the boss in a headlock as we role play without fear of alienating myself because of poor personal hygiene.

Fuck, yeah! Ain't life great?


  1. Have you tried 'magic tree' car air fresheners? They are guaranteed to work everytime.
    Okay, it takes a while to attach them with tiny plaits to your armpit hair, but hey.. no pain no gain, am I right?

    This is kinda awkward, but seeing no ne else is here.. maybe you need to keep some tic tacs handy, you know.. for those up close moments. Either that or ease up on the garlic a wee bit pal.

    I'm telling you this as your friend. I'm sure no one else has hardly noticed...

  2. We're free to work on your incontinence problem now.

  3. Your penultimate paragraph has burst all my preconceptions about you at work Geoff. Do you wear red braces?

  4. Jimmy - The Magic Tree car air freshener was developed specifically for driving instructors to cover up the smell of fear and lust. My breath is as fresh as the morning dew!

    MJ - You'd only piss yourself laughing!

    Murph - It's only wishful thinking. Where's my lunch?

  5. Congratulations Geoff. Do you remember the days when you just used to lather up with a bar of Lifebuoy?

    Oh and don't get too close to those bloody women eh?
    We'll get jealous.

  6. Lifebouy, hahahahaha, my parents swore by the positive effects of Lifebouy, ahhh the 70's.

  7. Kaz - The days before puberty - Lifebuoy and Vosene. Don't worry about the women. They mean nothing to me.

    Inwardly Confused - The days after puberty. An antiperspirant soap (light blue with darker blue streaks - can't remember the name of it) and dry shampoo.

  8. It was Shield Soap and it was green.

    Not an antiperspirant.