Monday, September 15, 2008

Poetry, Please!

BBC1's The One Show has a new website. And the website has a couple of blogs. One called The Beauty And The Beast where you can read all about Christine's and Adrian's love lives.

I'm joking.

But there is a Poetry Corner where ordinary members of the public can submit poems on the theme of "My Passion" to literary giants Gyles Brandreth and Roger McGough. If they like your poem, they'll put it on the blog and if they really like it a lot it may well be read out on the show.

My passion is, of course, Gyles Brandreth. And this is my ode to the great man...

O Gyles Brandreth
You've smelly breath
Of that I have no doubt

Cos when you speak
You spring a leak
And all this shit comes out

Or maybe I should submit my Liverpool Poets poem from October last year...

If it wasn't for the success of the Fab Four
The Liverpool Poets would be dead poor
And instead of publishing yet another edition
McGough would be dying from malnutrition

Or what about a poem rhyming Christine Bleakley and beating on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly?

Any others?


  1. Adrian Chiles, Adrian Chiles
    You are my dearest passion
    You sit there gurning all the whiles
    Like it was going out of fashion.

  2. Gyles Brandreth.. what a cunt. On par with Cyril Fletcher, apart from the fact that one likes little boys, while the other one LOVES little boys.

  3. I was going to do something like Murph's - but I ca't find a rhyme for 'Baggies'.
    I may return.
    I love your Liverpool Poets poem.

  4. The bouquet of Gile's Brandreth's breath is not of concern to me since I have no intention of snogging him (nor him presumably me)

    However his feud against the English language (for someone who's always hitherto pretended to be a defender of it) frankly appals me. Apparently we should all forget spelling now in the name of language simplification/accessibility.

    Methinks the fellow has gone soft in the head, but perhaps I'd better not say that if want to submit a poem and indeed ought to re-fashion said piece to suit Mr Brandreth's new spelling preferences.


    Like Kaz, I enjoyed your Liverpool Poets poem. Your style reminds me of one of my favourite contemporary poets - Paul Birtill - who does black and bitter humour like few others and is of a cynical curmudgeonly-ness that makes people question if he's really serious. He is!

  5. Murph -

    O Adrian Chiles
    I'd walk ten miles
    For just one witticism

    But I'd walk fifteen
    For young Christine
    For she's so sweet and lissom

    Jimmy - Fletcher was the most frightening thing on television. Brandreth is currently the most odious.

    Kaz - Thank you. There must be a rhyme for "West Brom".

    O Adrian you love West Brom
    And your face don't make me vom
    You may not have the looks of Skinner
    But I'd rather have you round for dinner

    Laura - Thank you. I'll have to check out Paul Birtill. As for Brandreth, maybe he thinks he's a man of the people just because the people have got no choice but to listen to him. A bit like David Cameron.

  6. Is there nowhere safe for me to go from Bollix' gaze?

  7. Better Bollix' gazing than navel gazing.

  8. Of Brandreth's verse,
    I cannot say.
    We've poets worse,
    in Canada eh?

    His name contains,
    too many 'r's.
    If he adds one more,
    I'll kick his arse.

  9. He's lived a wonderfully exciting life, from daytime telly to the Houses of Parliament where he "served" as a Tory MP.

    He is also a literary giant.

  10. Adrian Chiles's poetic soul is evident in that he supports a team that rhymes with "tiddley-om-pom-pom".

  11. The brass band also plays "Boing Boing, Baggies Baggies".