Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm Not Getting Any Younger

As a seasoned hypochondriac, it's about time I go to see my doctor. Except my doctor, Dr H, isn't there any more. He left a couple of weeks ago.

While I'm waiting for a new GP to be assigned to my body and mind, I get to see one of the others at the practice. Dr C.

I liked Dr H. And I like Dr C. I've seen her before on one of the weeks Dr H was off with stress from having to see me every few days.

My current complaint is very strange.

I get these aches, you see. On a Monday night when I lie down in bed I get these aches going down my inner thighs. They go down my inner calves, too. It's like the veins are filling up with blood. I panic and the aches go down my arms. Then I get twinges in my chest. I worry Betty and keep her awake. Then I fall asleep.

Dr C asks me to get on the couch. I can leave my pants on.

She checks the circulation in my legs. It's excellent. No varicose veins, either.

She asks me to stand, holds my inner thigh and asks me to cough. I've got a little reflux in the thigh vein. Nothing to worry about though.

She asks me if I do any unusual activities on a Sunday. Horse riding, for example?

I say I don't ride a horse.

"Do I stand a lot on a Sunday?"

"No. I don't stand a lot ever."

"Why on a Monday evening? The meds you take can do funny things to the muscles. But if it was your meds it would happen all the time, not just on a Monday."

I say I drink alcohol at weekends and not during the week. Maybe it's a reaction to my body not having alcohol after the weekend. A craving manifesting itself in the troubled veins of my inner thighs.

Instead of advising me to drink every day, you know what she said?

"Maybe give up the alcohol for a couple of weekends. If you're ok on the Monday you know it's that. Then you can decide what to do in the future. It's up to you."

So I put up with a bit of discomfort, knowing it's not going to kill me. Or I forgo one of life's pleasures and watch Betty get merry at the weekend.

What would you do?


  1. What would I do?
    I really don't think I need to tell you - do I Geoff?

  2. What Kaz said but double it.

  3. Anonymous3:07 PM

    I would abstain for a weekend. Upon discovering that it's the drink causing the problem, I would drink as usual the following weekend and beyond and not worry about it.

  4. Force Betty to abstain as well. She has been dragging you down for far too long.

  5. Kaz - But the aches in me legs!

    MJ - Kill or cure? Douglas Bader had the same symptoms. He took drastic measures!

    Arabella - But I've got to keep drinking 'til the New Year. November and December are such awful months! Then again January's not much better. And as for February, March, April...

    Vicus - Before I met Betty I was a teetotal vegetarian. Actually that was a long time before I met Betty so you can't really blame her.

  6. I too once had a lady doctor and the circulation in my lower extremities was always remarkably improved upon her inspection.

    To hell with the Gout!
    The day that I give up my diet rich in proteins, fat, and alcohol, is the day I die!


  8. if you drink consistently on a daily basis you won't be feeling any pain at all. ever.


  9. There's a simple answer. Drink every night - but from the mug below. Start tonight. All your readers can't be wrong.

    WV = 'bottomsup'

  10. Yes, drinking every night will prove the same thing as not drinking at all but be more enjoyable.

    And you can wind up the neighbours with the size of your recycle pile.

  11. Mr C - Oh God. Do you think it's gout? Isn't that caused by mixing port and pork?

    Inwardly Confused - That's a good positive mantra which I'll start tonight.

    Surly - Betty said the same thing last night. Just gradually reduce the amount of alcohol during the week. So by next Thursday I'll be drinking homeopathic quantities.

    Christopher - I'm sure the couple below are regular tipplers so I'll follow their example.

    Murph - I'll mix things up a bit. A few bottles of beer here, a couple of Bacardi Breezers there, a Babycham or two. They'll think we've been visited by everybody from nieces to great aunts.

  12. Give up alcohol. Smoke crack instead.

  13. Is it good for the legs?

  14. "I worry Betty and keep her awake."

    Never heard it called that before, Geoff...



  15. You are a one, Bob.