Sunday, November 23, 2008

Cry Me A River

After watching John Lennon live at Madison Square Gardens from 1972 the other night I decided I really ought to get a more comprehensive compilation than the one we own.

So I went on the Amazon site, in the music search section, and typed in "john le". Amazon would complete the rest.

Obviously John Lennon would come out on top as the most popular search?

Wrong. It's John Fucking Legend!

OK, I thought to myself. I wonder who would be top if I typed in "the"? The Who, maybe?

No, it's The Fucking Killers!

So I've decided to try first letter only, going through the alphabet. Here's the results of the most popular searches with a brief description (some with Betty's help) of the type of person who may be looking for the albums of the artist or band...

a - acdc - 49 year old male. Single/married with five children. Still has now too small denim jacket with band logo patches smelling of 30 year old patchouli oil in wardrobe. Heavy drinker. Will play air guitar at weddings. Often wakes up dreaming he is choking on his own vomit.

b - beyonce - 25 year old female. Young mother. Thinks Beyonce has the greatest soul voice ever. Ever.

c - coldplay - 46 year old man. Divorced, three children. Depressed but not suicidal. His children do not understand him. He does not understand his children.

d - dido - 46 year old woman. Housewife. Conservative. Aga owner. Enjoys hosting dinner parties. Heavy wine drinker. Fantasises about Sean Bean in britches.

e - enya - 66 year old woman. WI member. Golf widow. Enjoys Antiques Roadshow and My Family.

f - fleet foxes - 37 year old man or woman. Member of Greenpeace. Says they're "not really a vegetarian because I eat fish. I just couldn't eat anything with legs." Single.

g - girls aloud - 14 year old girl/46 year old man. Schoolgirl/ex-student. Fashion conscious/post-punk irony conscious. Girls Aloud wannabe/Girls Aloud wanna shag.

h - high school musical - 14 year old girl. Interested in boys, especially American boys with no brains.

i - il divo - 65 year old grandmother. Babysitter. Total TV Guide subscriber. Husband has Three Tenors cd and can't believe his wife buys this insipid imitation of the real thing.

j - jonas brothers - 14 year old girl. Interested in boys, especially American boys with no fucking brains.

k - kings of leon - 21 year old supermodel. Didn't like the Kings' old hairy look but thinks they're gorgeous now. Thinks Sex on Fire is the most sexy thing she's ever heard, not realising it's about an STD.

l - leona lewis - 46 year old woman. Sets Sky Plus to record daytime tv. Thinks Leona Lewis is the best British soul singer ever. Ever.

m - metallica - 46 year old man. Married with two children. Electric guitar owner but does not play any more. Thinks Metallica are great and everything else is shit. Is confident his daughters will grow out of Girls Aloud and will listen to his Metallica albums when they reach puberty. Enjoys Jack Daniels "irresponsibly".

n - now 71 - 14 year old girl. Interested in boys. Fearne Cotton wannabe.

o - oasis - 40 year old man. Could have been a professional footballer if it wasn't for "that" injury. Top man to his mates. Thinks Paul Weller is a "fucking god".

p - pink - 40 year old ex-glamour model. Wants to "get the party started" but hasn't got anybody to get it started with. Borderline alcoholic.

q - queen - 50 year old married couple. Two cats. Ten guns. Poster in bedroom of Brian May with his leg cocked up. Still not convinced Freddie Mercury was gay.

r - razorlight - 23 year old female. Pretty. Music tv presenter. Would like to be seen out with Johnny Borrell. Not jealous of Alexa Chung. Oh no, not at all.

s - snow patrol - 46 year old man. Divorced, three children. Depressed but not suicidal. His children do not understand him. He does not understand his children.

t - take that - 32 year old woman. Single mum. Interested in "girly" nights out. Favourite is "little" Mark Owen. Goes out with short men who if she squints really hard look like a distant cousin of "little" Mark Owen.

u - u2 - 27 year old Australian woman. Sits on her boyfriend's shoulders at live gigs. Smiles a lot at just about anything.

v - van morrison - 69 year old sweatshirt-wearing expatriate Irishman with auburn, frizzy beard.

w - will young - 46 year old woman. Divorcee. Proud grandmother. Spends money she used to spend on cigarettes on the lottery. Her diary for early 1992 is filled each day with the words "Gareth Gates is a stuttering shit" followed by the words "Take that you stuttering shit" on the night Will won Pop Idol.

x - x factor - 99 year old great grandmother. In intensive care. Wheeled to tv/computer room once a day.

y - yes - 50 year old prog man. Lives with mother. Has worn out old cds. Poor personal hygiene.

z - zz top - 46 year old man. Likes grizzled artists with beards. See Seasick Steve, Grandaddy, Willard Grant conspiracy, etc. Uncut subscriber.

We have cds by four of the above bands/artists. Girls Aloud, Kings of Leon, Oasis and Yes. Which is not bad going. How many do you have?


  1. Why are they mostly 46-year-olds?

    *scans list, looks sideways and tucks Van Morrison and Yes collections under sweatshirt*

  2. We 46 year olds are keeping the music industry going.

    That's two out of two for Yes. The most popular "Y" band of all time.

  3. Up the yazoo then with the Youngbloods, the Young Rascals and the Yardbirds.

    AND Yazoo!

  4. Anonymous7:33 PM

    Zero for me, 46 year old man. Married, two children, sometimes depressed but not suicidal. Apparently have non-mainstream musical tastes.

  5. MJ - Yello, Yabby U and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. There's three popular ones we own.

    Bob - I've just looked at today's top twenty singles and quite a few of these artists are featured. So they're not just singles artists but people are inspired to buy the albums! Never underestimate the crap musical taste of the general public.

  6. 1. We have CDs by five of the artists on your list. Not Will Young though. Or the X-Factor.

    2. Who are the Fleet Foxes anyway?

    3. John Lennon? John Legend? Where the hell's John Cougar Melon Camp when you want him, huh?

  7. "Husband has Three Tenors cd and can't believe his wife buys this insipid imitation of the real thing."

    That made me laugh, cruelly and snobbishly. Thank you. And the answer's three, if you allow Them for Van Morrison. (All my solo VM is on vinyl, as is the one U2 album I purchased in a weak moment.)

  8. A tour de force Geoff ... dynamic profiling.

    We've got Coldplay, Queen, Dido, Oasis, U2 and ...Take That. Don't have any cats or guns though.

    I feel better now I've been named and shamed.

  9. Oh dear - when Eileen's toy boy moved in they had Freddie on the bedroom wall for 10 years.
    I assumed the boyfriend must be in the closet and would come out one day.
    But he eventually 'ran off' with another woman.

    I'm obviously 'Top Man' to my mates.

  10. I have some U2 LPs/CDs, a couple of Oasis taped off other people and a van Morrison - otherwise a clean bill of health...

    I do have the Lennon Madison square on LP though...


  11. Chris - Fleet Foxes have Beach Boys style harmonies and no tunes. Yes, where is The Coog?

    Tim - I can't allow Them. I once spent a week in the company of somebody who played non-stop Van Morrison and Mazzy Star. I've had my fill of both.

    BBB - Stadium rocks!

    Murph - I think it's going to be between Oasis and U2. Surely everybody's got So Sally Can Wait!

    Kaz - I asked Betty how many teeth Freddie had as it didn't seem possible to get that many teeth in one mouth. She said he used to steal them from other people. Oasis are a geezer's band. You'll never be able to give a convincing rendition of So Sally Can Wait.

    Bob - Was Yoko better than Linda on keyboards? I notice she didn't do any solos.

  12. HAHAHA! Spot on.
    I love your expressive post modern angst.

    I saw John Legend on Stephen Colbert's Christmas Special last night..he did a hilarious innuendo laced xmas song about nutmeg.

    I too am miffed that Lennon would not be first but I realise that the CORPORATIONS need to feed the machine and attract new consumers..
    seriously, I have already purchased songs by Lennon, Bowie, and others on
    8 track/cassette/vinyl/mp3/vhs/DVD..
    I mean what more can they do with me?

    Anyway I'm sorting through my albums now in preparation for getting one of those adapter turntables..and I'm taking shots of my fave covers..

    I miss the subtler artwork/marketing part of the music biz before the f*cking VIDEO began whacking us over the head.

    I'm a Dinosaur;
    music should be heard and not seen.

  13. I have 5 - Van, Yes, Queen (lots of Queen - but I haven't really listened to them since I was 14), Snow Patrol, and Fleet Foxes (which I'm sad to say, I can't see what all the fuss is about).

    I felt quite good about that... but I'll ruin it all by admitting I do like The Killers. Sorry!

  14. CT - What more can they do? Have you not heard of the new hologram format? It's just like a live performance in your own living room. I miss those LP sleeves, too. I remember the days when I'd cycle home from the record shop, LP in its bag flapping against my spokes.

    Rol - There was one kid in my class at school who liked Queen. And one who liked AC/DC. So it seems like my school wasn't representative of the nation. The Killers were better than Fleet Foxes on Later With Bloody Jools.

  15. Hopefully, Fleet Foxes poor showing on Later will discourage people from bothering to go to see them live, keeping them in small venues and away from the irritating twats who talk through gigs. I can dream, anyway.

    (wv is 'oussis' which is a bit like 'oasis' if you squint sideways at it)

  16. Oh, and 5. Including Snow Patrol, Coldplay & Dido - do I get taken out and shot by the taste police now?

  17. "Was Yoko better than Linda on keyboards? I notice she didn't do any solos."

    Not sure Geoffster - I've never had the earplugs out long enough to get to the solos.

    All I know is she was a lot better looking than Linda. Mind you, anyone with a bag over their head would be, I suppose...

    Her sausages are shit though, so horses for courses, I suppose.

    On a lighter note: Fabregas, eh?


    wound veciferification: entandis?

    I heard you the first time...

  18. I have 14 hahaha BUT in my defence I get lots for free, I suppose I could give the ones I don't listen to away but that would upset the balance of the 9 wall mounted galss fronted cd cabinets and THEN I would have to re-file everything which is a pain in the tits. So I have a Dido cd, sue me.

  19. Oh fuck me! We have the 3 Tenors and Fleet Foxes...hahahhaha that's 16 then.....omg I have Enya too...*gasps for breath*

  20. We own loads thanks to Jonas bros HSM worshipping littlest sprog

    Word ver is doping honestly

  21. Beth - To get the real live experience Jools should ask his audience to talk through the acts. The taste police have just been supplied with tasers. You will be stunned into liking nothing but music approved of by the taste commissioner.

    Bob - You're not seriously suggesting Linda's sausages are edible! Fabregas? You know you don't win things with kids at the helm.

    Inwardly Confused - You are awarded an Amazon voucher to be spent on any Christmas album of your choosing. Our cd storage is almost full. We'll have to move to a bigger house soon.

    Realdoc - See, that's the hard reality of having kids. When you want to put some grisly moody music on they go and spoil things with all that upbeat shit.

  22. Rip Van Morrison6:33 PM

    Just the one old ZZ Top tape for me. Great driving music.

  23. I've also got The Fucking Killers. Put that taser down...


  24. Rip Van - Clarksontastic!

    Beth - You're nicked!

  25. It does make a lovely sausage roll...

    (You have to say it in an Alfie voice - "I'll say this for it - it dun arf make a nice bit of apple crumble...")

    Re: the Arse - I'll bet my pink boots we win more than the Happy Hamsters under Cescy Boy!!


    crun mimmifification: foarc - as in where's me foarcin kife - next to your foarcin plate. You'll have to ask realdoc to say it to get the joke...

  26. 2. ac/dc and king of leon. i am clearly an unreconstructed forty-five-year-old male trapped in the body of a goddess*

    *disclaimer: this is a lie.

  27. I can't wait for holograms!

    I have 4 kids(7-23) accumulating tunes on this contraption so I am up to my ears in Lady Gaga, Hannah Montana, Jonas Bros, Chris Brown etcetera..but I also make them listen to Audience, 10cc, T Rex, The Hoople, pre & post Let's Dance Bowie...
    and we sort of find common ground in the hodge podgery of the 80s.

    This week I am presenting the Puppini Sisters' boogie-woogish version of Wuthering Heights!
    So we all get a kick at the cat.

  28. Bob - Better than Sosmix? Fab is older than Donkey was when he was captain. I expect big things.

    Surly - The Kings are cool but they're also damned good. Didn't AC/DC do a song called I've Got Big Balls or something? Something not right there.

    CT - Get them into some Tom Waits or Captain Beefheart. Kids love them!

  29. We swear by Linda's sozzers for sausage rolls in our house. Mind you, we swear by most things - only the other evening, I caught M Swipe calling George Osborne an f-f=ing c. And he's the *last* thing you'd use to make a sausage roll, isn't he? (Well, apart from David van Day and Timmy Mallet, obviously...)


    Womad ventifibularation: pessestr...

    I've had that - constant emails, incessant comments....why won't these people get on with their lives and leave us alone???

  30. Leona Lewis beats Led Zep - that's so depressing.

    We've got Oasis (hers), lots of ZZ Top (mine) and U2 (the cat's).

    Quite like the Fleet Foxes, but not enough to spend cash. Detest The Killers, especially the irritating current single.

  31. Bob - Too much fat on Tories. Lembit Opik would make a tasty chipolata.

    Malc - Of course Leona played with Jimmy Page. So all the Zep fans are buying her albums, too.

  32. fleet foxes - 37 year old man or woman. Member of Greenpeace. Says they're "not really a vegetarian because I eat fish. I just couldn't eat anything with legs." Single.

    37 tick
    member of Greenpeace - once
    Not really a vegetarian because I eat fish - tick
    Single - tick

    *Quietly bins Fleet Foxes album*

    You're killing me, Geoff.

  33. It would have described me 14 years ago. Apart from the age but not far off.