Saturday, November 08, 2008

By Royal Appointment

I don't think I have an unnatural obsession with Prince Charles and what he does or has done to him on the throne (the only type of throne he's ever likely to park his bottom on).

So why does Google think I'm the expert?

If you ask Google the question "does prince charles wipe his own arse?" two of my posts come first and second. This one will join them in a top three, I'm sure.

My first answer to the question is "I don't think he does. Have a good weekend."

Whether the questioner will have a better weekend imagining a servant inspecting the prince's back passage, I don't know. It may play on his/her mind.

My second answer to the question is "if you're in any way dissatisfied with your arse-wiping experience."

It is useful to know that if you want your bottom wiped more thoroughly you should get yourself a servant.

A few weeks ago the Queen visited Google's UK headquarters. She was shown a computer and asked to type in a question. The question she typed was "does prince charles wipe his own arse?", knowing full well he does.

She's got a wicked sense of humour, our Queen.


  1. I don't have an unnatural obsession with Charles. My obsession is natural, and is beautiful.
    However, I still read the rest of your article. Was this wrong?

  2. Anonymous4:31 PM

    I was having just this conversation with The Husband the other day. He asked the pertinent question: how do you know you've wiped properly if you are blind?

  3. Vicus - You and James Whitaker are the only Royal commentators I read. A natural bodily function, I suppose, is never wrong.

    Arabella - And do Goths use black toilet paper?

  4. Exactly the sort of post I'd expect from the man who taught me the meaning of 'scatological'.
    Sorry about today's result ..... she lied.

  5. HRH is a real sketch eh?

    Here in the Colonies we pride oursleves on wiping like Royals..we even have fancy-schmancy TP named after them.

    Unlike Charlie, most of us can't afford to use Soft, White, Fluffy, Kittens to wipe our butts..

    but it's nice to dream innit?

    I hear that they're very absorbant but a little hard to flush.

    wv: pawyerwo

  6. Henry VIII had a dedicated knight (Thomas Heneage, the Groom of the Stool) to tend to his claggy ringpiece.

    Maybe that could be a rider to the Queen's honours list; if you accept a gong, you have to commit to a certain amount of royal toilet duty. And it could be proportionate to the magnitude of the award. For an MBE, you just have to shake the droplets off Prince Harry's winkie. For a knighthood, you dab Camilla's bum with a Hakle Moist. And if you're a peer, you're obliged to give six coffee enemas to Princess Michael of Kent.

    Re: the black toilet paper... I recall a few years back, someone launched black panty liners, and I wondered whether they were particularly marketed at Cure fans. You know, for those In Between Days.

  7. Kaz - I don't ask them to come here but I try to make them welcome. We wuz robbed late in the day by them thievin' scousers. You can't turn your back for a second. I remember the good old days of the Krays when you could leave your front door open...etc, etc.

    Mr C - "Feeling is believing"? Feeling kitten-like softness is believing it's a kitten? You colonials are sick! Sick, I tell you, sick!

    Tim - Arise Sir Chuck Berry. Betty says the Cure's music (along with the Smashing Pumpkins) gives her the same symptoms as menstrual cramps.

  8. Thankfully, someone has done the research.

  9. So the 5th Earl Spencer was Groom of the Stool to a previous Prince of Wales? Just imagine if it had been the same in the 80s and Charles had the in-laws round for dinner and needed a shit!

  10. Oh dear, someone just found me via this search...

    Prince Harry's pubes pic.


  11. More interestingly Camilla, in fact, does not pooh. She converts everything to methane and emits it through her skin, like woodlice.

  12. MJ - That reminds me of Simply Red. Yuck!

    Boz - That's why she always looks so satisfied!

    wv - wakfunq