I read that I was going to be moved, my mascara would run when the pregnant vixen and her partner were ruthlessly baited and shot.
But foxes don't get me that way. I like to see them but I like to keep my distance from them. I don't like them shitting in our garden.
Urban foxes are vermin but they're good looking vermin. But this programme isn't really about the foxes themselves. It's more about their human neighbours' attitudes and reactions to the ginger beasts.
The human characters in this programme include...
1. The spoilers who treat the foxes as pets, feed them and film them.
2. The annoyed but fox-friendly neighbours who are fed up with constant shit in the garden but want the foxes to be taken away to a nice place in the countryside.
3. The concerned people who have an injured fox under their decking.
4. The people who think foxes are their enemies.
Numbers 2 and 3 could be considered pretty normal. Not wanting to harm the creatures but not willing to share their lives with them too closely.
Number 1 are a nutty couple but what's wrong with a bit of nuttiness in this crazy mixed up world?
It's family number 4 which deserves a kick up the arse.
They are trying to be 'green', keeping their free-range hens, producing their own free-range organic eggs.
The hens aren't hidden away in a top security barn, but in full view of any intruders behind some crap chicken wire. And the silly family blame the foxes!
'Green' is the right word for this family. Trying to be partly self-sufficient in Stoke Newington of all places! This is The Idiots Guide To The Good Life.
Daddy buys some new hens from his farmer mate and some lion shit fox-deterrent.
And, surprise surprise, the fox breaks through the crap chicken wire at night and assassinates the whole lot of them. We do not see whether the fox has state of the art wire cutters or whether he just uses his sharp teeth. My money's on the teeth.
The family are distraught and at the end of their tether. The teenage daughter strokes her (presumably bird-loving) cat as she says how much she hates foxes. Daddy says how what the fox did in killing for killing's sake was just so "unnecessary". An Idiots Guide To The Good Life, imposing human morals onto animals.
Daddy is driven to desperate measures. The fox has to die.
Along comes the bald headed assassin with a licence to kill. After a week of enticing the fox and his pregnant partner into the garden with fresh meat, the bald headed assassin sets up shop in Daddy's spare bathroom. Daddy strokes the gun/phallus, wishing he could have a go himself as years ago he'd shot animals in the rainforest. As with Sting, those days in the rainforest were presumably the best of his life.
The fox pair are shot efficiently. Job done, problem solved?
Of course bloody not. It's not long before new foxes are coming into his garden to have a look at his hens. Because contrary to Daddy's logic, killing one or two does not give an example to the remainder of the foxes in the area.
What a shame the foxes can't learn human morals, eh Daddy?