Have A Good Weekend, See You On Monday

So Betty's moved to Wordpress for a while. But I'm not joining her. We can have our own space like Woody Allen and Mia Farrow used to. I can still access Blogger from work in my lunch hours. Besides, we're away for two weeks from a week tomorrow so our five week wait for Orange to disconnect will just fly by.

Thank you all for your advice re. Macs. I'm off to buy one at the weekend and should be connecting it to the internet in early October. I've bought a dummies book, not because I'm a dummy, but because I want to know how to turn the damn thing on and off and to gen up on any hints and tips that will make my Mac experience a more rewarding and enjoyable one. If you're reading, Bill Gates, it's alright, we've still got PCs at work.


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I'm always the first one on the train in the mornings. I sit at the back of the train in the window seat of a two-seater. There's just me in my part of the carriage as we pull into the second station. Recently, a man has begun to get on and sit next to me. He has a choice of hundreds of seats and he decides to sit next to me evey morning. He chews gum noisily, with his mouth open, and plays with his mobile phone. He has long, shiny shoes.

Today I got on the other side of the carriage. For a change, he wasn't first on the train at the next stop. A woman sat in my old seat. He sat next to her!

So it's not me he likes after all. It's that damn seat.

Moan Moan Moan

It's probably a problem with our home computer. We still can't access Blogger and now our antivirus is fucked up. Our PC's probably full of nasty viruses. And I can't be bothered to go through the rigmarole again of resetting the computer to its factory settings then getting more viruses then tearing my hair out in frustration over this four year old devil.

I'm going to buy a Mac. they're supposed to be less bovver, aren't they? Plus you get Garageband and you can compose your own bangin' drum & bass tunes. I can become Nathan Barley.

I would be grateful if any of you Mac users out there would advise me whether it's worth purchasing any antivirus software or do you just connect to the internet naked?


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The Guardian's Saturday Guide sometimes recommends blogs to read. They've never recommended me a decent one. This Saturday's was Dave Gorman's blog. Dave is a famous comedian. He has no links to other blogs so he obviously couldn't give a toss about other bloggers. His blog is just another way for Dave to promote his career and sell his books. Dave got Post of the Week a couple of weeks ago. None of the blogs I like have ever won Post of the Week or been featured in the Guardian Guide.

It's all a load of bollocks, isn't it?

Hansi, Knees and Booompsadaisies

I'm too old to fight. Even James can't get my macho pumping arms into action.



If Blogger want to get rid of us we'll move over to Wordpress. They've got a couple of days. Then I'm outta here.

Wonder Milky Bitch*

So I'm not enamoured with alternative medicine. One thing they all advised me though was to give up the dairy products, something I've never heard from a conventional doctor.

Having spent the last month and a half with chronic catarrh and a nasty cough, I've decided now is the time to not give up, but to cut down drastically. I know from experience that dairy causes catarrh in me so I'm trusting my experience rather than my GP this time.

Cutting out cheese is no problem. But milk's a different kettle of fish.

Soya milk on my breakfast cereal gives me bad guts. And it's crap in coffee, though better than cow's milk in tea.

Rice milk tastes absolutely foul in coffee and tea. But gorgeous on its own or on cereal.

So my proposal is this...

Rice milk with my breakfast cereal.

Cow's milk with my morning cup of coffee.

And soya milk in my four cups of tea throughout the day.

Wish me luck. And anybody who says "Have you tried goat's milk?" is no friend of mine!



* £1.50 in luncheon vouchers to anybody who can tell me who did this song.

The Enemies Of Reason (Part 2)

After his attack on superstition in part one, Dawkins turns his attention to alternative medicine.

The conclusion drawn is that any reports of these remedies working is totally down to the placebo effect of the way the patient is treated by the practitioner. The time spent and the empathy shown. Any healing is the result of self-healing which would have happened anyway if a sympathetic ear was available. The healing is not due to the actual treatment itself which is unproven by scientific tests.

Homeopathy is a particular target of Dawkins as in this country it is partly funded by the NHS (£10 million on the refurbishment of the Royal Homeopathic Hospital itself). Everybody should know by now that homeopathic medicine is basically water, but nutty Prince Charles uses it so crawling politicians fund it.

For a few years I took homeopathic medicine for hayfever. Fucking useless. Still, I wasn't filling my body with naughty chemicals that could have had all manner of side effects, was I? No, I was swallowing water!

I've gone down the proper alternative therapy route. I've seen a naturopath for my IBS and a kinesiologist for my gastro-oesophageal reflux problems. Both very relaxing (lots of laying down and having bits massaged, lots of listening to my problems, nodding sympathetically), and in the case of kinesiology as nutty as a fruitcake with all that chakra bollocks. Both fucking useless though.

I needed something real, something that gets in there and gets the job done, changing the fucked up chemistry in my brain, not some mind over matter placebo shit. Good old tried and trusted drugs to smash my problems like a nutcracker smashes a nut, enabling me to put on weight and feel healthy, not walk around as thin as a rake on a diet of the few things I can eat because poor little me has too sensitive a digestion to eat certain important staple foods.

So yes, Dawkins. I'm totally on your side. I've been there, done that and I'm not going back.


p.s. Professor, did I tell you about the time I was abducted by God-botherers?

Forthcoming Attractions At Our Local Theatre, The Dartford Orchard

The following are shows I'm recommending. Though to see the full range of entertainment at this local godsend, feel free to visit the website.

DANCING QUEEN

- This high octane musical extravaganza features fabulous “Broadway Style” production pieces, performed to wall-to-wall mega Abba hits. The show also features a medley of fabulous party classics from the 70s, and a dazzling compilation of highlights from the iconic film Saturday Night Fever.

Geoff's Preview - Come on, ladies. You'll be dancing in the aisles. Singing at the tops of your voices. "SEE THAT GIRL! WATCH THAT SCENE! DIGGING THE DANCING QUEEN!" A real girl's night out! And those party classics from the seventies! YMCA! Blame It On The Boogie! Suitable for women aged 16 to 86.


JETHRO 2007 TOUR

- After 32 years, this hilarious Cornishman still packs theatres the length and breadth of the country. He has his own unique style and timing, and with his new stories you will be entertained by one of the funniest story teller’s to date. If you’re looking for an evening of continuous laughter, this is possibly the best in the UK.

Contains adult material, Cert 18.

Geoff's Preview - Jethro is what is considered to be a "blue" comedian, therefore this show is only suitable for adults who enjoy swear words and mention of ladies' and gentlemen's private parts. Not really suitable for a younger adult audience, Jethro is very popular amongst older married couples. Suitable for married couples between the ages of 55 and 70.

THINK FLOYD

- Think Floyd are now well into their 2007 tour of the UK. By popular demand the show is once again featuring complete performances of two of the most influential albums of the 20th century, Dark Side Of The Moon and Wish You Were Here as well as Floyd classics from Barrett to The Division Bell. Plus a few selected venues will feature their highly acclaimed presentation of The Wall.

Geoff's Preview - Think Floyd will not be performing The Wall at The Orchard. If you want to see this spectacular show you'd have to take yourself along to Hertford, Burgess Hill or Milton Keynes. But there's still plenty here to keep the most ardent Floyd fan happy. Suitable for single straight men aged 45 to 65.

AN EVENING WITH MICKEY ROONEY - Celebrating 85 years of Entertaining!

- Crawling on to the stage during his father’s Vaudeville act at 18 months in 1922, Mickey Rooney began a truly legendary career. He now announces an 85th anniversary tour to be performed this year. Joined on stage by his wife, the singer/actress Jan Rooney, they sing, dance and laugh their way through the years.

Geoff's Preview - This is definitely worth going to see as it's probably the last chance you'll get to see the great man live. Still as sprightly as a spring chicken, Mickey will hopefully be performing his classic "Chinaman" act from the film Breakfast at Tiffany's. Who can forget his superb rendition of "Miss Gorightry! Miss Gorightry!" Suitable for widows and widowers aged 85 plus.


DEREK ACORAH

- No official preview.

Geoff's Preview - Derek is one of many male mediums regularly performing at venues up and down the country. Lost a loved one or a grandparent? Want reassurance from them that you're in their thoughts as well as them being in yours? Derek may be contacted by them and will translate what they've got to say to you. Suitable for women aged 16 upwards.



ALAN CARR

- Following a hugely successful tour of the UK this spring that culminated in 3 sell out nights at London’s 3,500 capacity Hammersmith Apollo, the hottest brightest award winning comedian Alan Carr will be back on the road this Autumn.

His recent television appearances have received great critical acclaim and include Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Eight out of Ten Cats, Countdown, and of course as the brilliant co host along with Justin Lee Collins on Channel 4’s The Friday Night Project. Alan’s debut live DVD will be in shops this November.

"Belly achingly funny" THE SUNDAY TELEGRAPH

Geoff's Preview - Alan is one of Britain's rising stars. With a remarkable resemblance to Fleagle from sixties children's tv show The Banana Splits, Alan's affable camp manner will have you rolling in the aisles. Suitable for students, though unfortunately there are no concessions.



NOISE ENSEMBLE - NOISE ENSEMBLE

- Noise Ensemble is the new percussion spectacular by Ethan Lewis Maltby.
“Dynamic, vibrant and energetic”

Take ten sexy young virtuoso drummers and over a hundred different instruments, add a majestic score by acclaimed local composer Ethan Lewis Maltby, blend in stunning visual effects and you’ve got Noise Ensemble, a dazzling new music spectacular that’s set to take the world by storm.

“will do for drumming what Riverdance did for Irish Dancing”

Noise Ensemble explodes onto the stage with stunning choreography and breathtaking lighting and visual effects. This outstanding theatrical and musical experience is on its way to becoming a new entertainment phenomenon. Don’t miss it!

Geoff's Preview - This is a show, not unlike the more famous West End smash STOMP! which will raise the adrenaline and make you want to dance and shout like a screaming dervish. To see this show it is best to arrive at the venue by public transport, otherwise it would be like driving home after consuming 7 double espressos. Not suitable for those currently taking anti-psychotics. No age or sex recommendations.




LENNY HENRY - WHERE YOU FROM?

- Ever since he burst out of our TV sets in the mid 70’s LENNY HENRY has risen to become one of Britain’s best-known and loved personalities. Comedian, impressionist, singer and serious actor, Lenny’s appeal is classless and ageless. He’s made numerous series of his own BBC show, as well as television specials, documentaries and films. With his new one-man show Lenny delivers an electrifying mix of stand-up and character comedy guaranteed to blow your socks off. You have been warned!

“Stunning, a complete blast” DAILY MAIL

Geoff's Preview - Lenny is a British institution, having shrugged off his earlier seventies "light entertainment" tag with his involvement in Comic Relief and Dawn French. Half of Britain's best loved comedy couple, Lenny's recent documentaries on the way Britons live today has cemented him as an everyman for the noughties.


THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES

- Based on author Eve Ensler's 'Vagina Interviews' conducted with women from all around the world, this hilariously witty and moving collection of tales gives voice to a chorus of lusty, outrageous, poignant, brave and thoroughly human stories.

As sharp as Sex and the City, as unmissable as Friends and as funny as Smack The Pony! This is ultimate girls night out…trust us!

‘Eve Ensler’s GLORIOUS show is WARM, OPEN, EXCITING, ENCHANTING and HILARIOUSLY funny! See it even if you haven’t got one’ Sunday Times

Geoff's Preview - You can see it if you haven't got one but you'll be in an embarrassed minority. This is a show for ladies to let it all hang out, no punches pulled. If you think Sex and the City was sharp, Friends was unmissable and Smack The Pony was riotously funny, this is the show for you. Not just for young professional women, this show is suitable for any woman who is able to laugh and cry, without embarrassment, at the female condition.


ROY CHUBBY BROWN

- The most outrageous comedian is back!

Still as popular as ever but too rude for television, there are only two ways to see the ‘Most outrageous comedian in the world’ – in his best selling DVD’s or at his live performances, but be sure to get a ticket as his shows will sell out.

You can always rely on ‘Chubby’ to shock but never disappoint, but be warned - if you are easily offended please stay at home. If not get practising the famous chant, we can’t print it, but we know you know what it is!

Geoff's Preview - X-rated humour from the jocular Geordie. The famous chant originates from the old Smokey song, Living Next Door To Alice. "ALICE? ALICE? WHO THE F**K IS ALICE?" This hilarious chant, originated by the Germans, is the centrepiece in Roy's cheeky show. This show is suitable for anyone over 18 with a sense of humour. Beware, though. Roy tends to pick out members of the audience for a bit of banter. So if you want to enjoy the show without being featured in it, I'd book a seat near the back of the auditorium if I were you.

ELVIS: A Tribute

Thirty years ago today
Elvis Presley passed away
But I feel nothing inside
For Elvis liked his squirrels fried

He never stood on British soil
Though his British fans were loyal
They cried from Land's End to The Wirral
When Elvis choked on Secret Squirrel

The Enemies Of Reason

I don't believe in any thing
Hymns you will not hear me sing
The New Age is for silly sods
For Richard Dawkins is my god


dedicated to Neil Spencer, ex NME editor, now Observer astrologer

Is It My Imajinaysheyonnn?

I know it's commonly believed that Oasis were a remarkably original band, a breath of rocking fresh air for 1994. But here's Ride from that same year proving that their fey, middle class Oxford heads were in a remarkably similar place to those working class bonces from Burnage. Except with a more interesting guitar sound.



This is a cover of a song by sixties psychedelic band, The Creation. Both Ride and Oasis were on Creation Records. Andy Bell, one of Ride's two exciting guitar wizards, is now mainly the plodding bass player in Oasis' middle aged dadrock rhythm section.

Ride had their time in the late eighties to mid nineties shoegazing era. Oasis should have had theirs in the mid to late nineties Britpop Shitpop era. However, the Britpop Shitpop era never ended and it seems as if Oasis will Live Forever.



The Andy Bell mentioned above is not to be confused with the Andy Bell of Yazoo replacements, Erasure. Yazoo were called Yaz for the American market and are not to be confused with Yazz of The Only Way Is Up fame. Neither Erasure, Yazoo or Yazz were on Creation Records.

"Jury Service Sucks"

"No It Doesn't"

These two opposing views are part of the graffiti in the Gents cubicles. "Wee, the jury" would have been a good one but the doors are mostly filled up with "I'm bored", "They're all gulity", the usual football allegiances and the odd sexual outburst. "Twelve good men and true, have shat here before you" would have been another good one but I'm not the type to deface public property.

If you just need a piss, there are six urinals, one of which is the right height for a child. Or a dwarf. And because children can't do jury service, I'm assuming that this urinal is meant for a dwarf juror.

Jury service does, indeed, suck. You wait and you wait in a room full of strangers. You can't concentrate on your book because every few minutes names are called over the tannoy system and there's a television slap bang in the middle of the room showing daytime bloody television: alternating between antiques and property shows. Kill me now!

Even when you do get on a case, you wait and wait. You go down to your court waiting area, you get sent back up to your jurors' waiting area. Up and down, up and down, wating, waiting, waiting, whilst points of law are taken up and other cases are dealt with. "A couple of minutes" waiting in court time is three quarters of an hour in real time.

The theatre of the court sucks the juror in. You are in full view of the viewing gallery. The first day I want to shout out, Tourette's-like, take my part in the play. But I have a non-speaking part and soon learn to sit still, concentrate on what is being said, blot out the audience. Deadpan, don't react.

We take notes with court pencils. The juror next to me has an HB. I have a 2B. A 2B! I smudge my way through the first day. The one pencil sharpener between the twelve of us is useless on my 2B pencil. The second day I take my own protracting pencil to the court.

When both sides have been aired several times over and the judge has summed up what we've heard, we are sent to our room to deliberate. Gulity or not guilty? The jurors with recent meeting and seminar experience dominate proceedings. Which is just as well because it is here I find out just how shy and inarticulate I am in a roomful of people I barely know. I have spent over a week with these nice people, dismally failing to make small talk and now when it comes down to the meat and potatoes I am found severely wanting. I want to get it over and done with now! When it's my turn to talk, I stutter and blush.

We all agree, file into court and it is over and done with. We are escorted up to our jurors' assembly room and, hey presto, we are signed off! Just like that! Which I am bloody grateful for because I'd earlier heard a group of jurors saying they'd been there since February. They looked institutionalised and very down about the whole thing.

I've now got two years' respite before I start worrying about being called again. Because, as our second-time juror said to me...

"Once they've got your name..."

Those Answers In Full

The answers to Saurday's quiz in full:-

1. Jack Knit Shh = Jack Nitzsche
2. Stock Kate King Water Mann = Stock Aitken Waterman
3. Marr Tin Hairnet = Martin Hannett
4. Tree Fir Horn = Trevor Horn
5. Doctored Ray = Dr Dre
6. Fill Spectre = Phil Spector
7. Marr Tin Rush Ant = Martin Rushent
8. Timber Land = Timbaland
9. Huge Jones = Hugh Jones
10. Jar Joe More Odour = Giorgio Moroder
11. Brine Knee No = Brian Eno
12. Toe Knee Viz Con Tea = Tony Visconti

I bet you're all kicking yourselves. Well, actually I bet you're all willing me to get a bloody move on and post something more interesting. I will as soon as I'm over the man flu and back to normality. Bear with me for now.

Saturday Quiz

I'm here for a short while before I resume my responsibilities. And here's a little weekend quiz for you.

The following are twelve people or peoples. You've got to tell me who they are. They've all done the same job at some time in their lives. And most of them are bloody good at this job.

Good luck. There will be no prize for the most correct answers.

Thanks to Betty for her help and the London Lite for its inspiration.

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