Sunday, August 19, 2007

Forthcoming Attractions At Our Local Theatre, The Dartford Orchard

The following are shows I'm recommending. Though to see the full range of entertainment at this local godsend, feel free to visit the website.


- This high octane musical extravaganza features fabulous “Broadway Style” production pieces, performed to wall-to-wall mega Abba hits. The show also features a medley of fabulous party classics from the 70s, and a dazzling compilation of highlights from the iconic film Saturday Night Fever.

Geoff's Preview - Come on, ladies. You'll be dancing in the aisles. Singing at the tops of your voices. "SEE THAT GIRL! WATCH THAT SCENE! DIGGING THE DANCING QUEEN!" A real girl's night out! And those party classics from the seventies! YMCA! Blame It On The Boogie! Suitable for women aged 16 to 86.


- After 32 years, this hilarious Cornishman still packs theatres the length and breadth of the country. He has his own unique style and timing, and with his new stories you will be entertained by one of the funniest story teller’s to date. If you’re looking for an evening of continuous laughter, this is possibly the best in the UK.

Contains adult material, Cert 18.

Geoff's Preview - Jethro is what is considered to be a "blue" comedian, therefore this show is only suitable for adults who enjoy swear words and mention of ladies' and gentlemen's private parts. Not really suitable for a younger adult audience, Jethro is very popular amongst older married couples. Suitable for married couples between the ages of 55 and 70.


- Think Floyd are now well into their 2007 tour of the UK. By popular demand the show is once again featuring complete performances of two of the most influential albums of the 20th century, Dark Side Of The Moon and Wish You Were Here as well as Floyd classics from Barrett to The Division Bell. Plus a few selected venues will feature their highly acclaimed presentation of The Wall.

Geoff's Preview - Think Floyd will not be performing The Wall at The Orchard. If you want to see this spectacular show you'd have to take yourself along to Hertford, Burgess Hill or Milton Keynes. But there's still plenty here to keep the most ardent Floyd fan happy. Suitable for single straight men aged 45 to 65.

AN EVENING WITH MICKEY ROONEY - Celebrating 85 years of Entertaining!

- Crawling on to the stage during his father’s Vaudeville act at 18 months in 1922, Mickey Rooney began a truly legendary career. He now announces an 85th anniversary tour to be performed this year. Joined on stage by his wife, the singer/actress Jan Rooney, they sing, dance and laugh their way through the years.

Geoff's Preview - This is definitely worth going to see as it's probably the last chance you'll get to see the great man live. Still as sprightly as a spring chicken, Mickey will hopefully be performing his classic "Chinaman" act from the film Breakfast at Tiffany's. Who can forget his superb rendition of "Miss Gorightry! Miss Gorightry!" Suitable for widows and widowers aged 85 plus.


- No official preview.

Geoff's Preview - Derek is one of many male mediums regularly performing at venues up and down the country. Lost a loved one or a grandparent? Want reassurance from them that you're in their thoughts as well as them being in yours? Derek may be contacted by them and will translate what they've got to say to you. Suitable for women aged 16 upwards.


- Following a hugely successful tour of the UK this spring that culminated in 3 sell out nights at London’s 3,500 capacity Hammersmith Apollo, the hottest brightest award winning comedian Alan Carr will be back on the road this Autumn.

His recent television appearances have received great critical acclaim and include Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Eight out of Ten Cats, Countdown, and of course as the brilliant co host along with Justin Lee Collins on Channel 4’s The Friday Night Project. Alan’s debut live DVD will be in shops this November.

"Belly achingly funny" THE SUNDAY TELEGRAPH

Geoff's Preview - Alan is one of Britain's rising stars. With a remarkable resemblance to Fleagle from sixties children's tv show The Banana Splits, Alan's affable camp manner will have you rolling in the aisles. Suitable for students, though unfortunately there are no concessions.


- Noise Ensemble is the new percussion spectacular by Ethan Lewis Maltby.
“Dynamic, vibrant and energetic”

Take ten sexy young virtuoso drummers and over a hundred different instruments, add a majestic score by acclaimed local composer Ethan Lewis Maltby, blend in stunning visual effects and you’ve got Noise Ensemble, a dazzling new music spectacular that’s set to take the world by storm.

“will do for drumming what Riverdance did for Irish Dancing”

Noise Ensemble explodes onto the stage with stunning choreography and breathtaking lighting and visual effects. This outstanding theatrical and musical experience is on its way to becoming a new entertainment phenomenon. Don’t miss it!

Geoff's Preview - This is a show, not unlike the more famous West End smash STOMP! which will raise the adrenaline and make you want to dance and shout like a screaming dervish. To see this show it is best to arrive at the venue by public transport, otherwise it would be like driving home after consuming 7 double espressos. Not suitable for those currently taking anti-psychotics. No age or sex recommendations.


- Ever since he burst out of our TV sets in the mid 70’s LENNY HENRY has risen to become one of Britain’s best-known and loved personalities. Comedian, impressionist, singer and serious actor, Lenny’s appeal is classless and ageless. He’s made numerous series of his own BBC show, as well as television specials, documentaries and films. With his new one-man show Lenny delivers an electrifying mix of stand-up and character comedy guaranteed to blow your socks off. You have been warned!

“Stunning, a complete blast” DAILY MAIL

Geoff's Preview - Lenny is a British institution, having shrugged off his earlier seventies "light entertainment" tag with his involvement in Comic Relief and Dawn French. Half of Britain's best loved comedy couple, Lenny's recent documentaries on the way Britons live today has cemented him as an everyman for the noughties.


- Based on author Eve Ensler's 'Vagina Interviews' conducted with women from all around the world, this hilariously witty and moving collection of tales gives voice to a chorus of lusty, outrageous, poignant, brave and thoroughly human stories.

As sharp as Sex and the City, as unmissable as Friends and as funny as Smack The Pony! This is ultimate girls night out…trust us!

‘Eve Ensler’s GLORIOUS show is WARM, OPEN, EXCITING, ENCHANTING and HILARIOUSLY funny! See it even if you haven’t got one’ Sunday Times

Geoff's Preview - You can see it if you haven't got one but you'll be in an embarrassed minority. This is a show for ladies to let it all hang out, no punches pulled. If you think Sex and the City was sharp, Friends was unmissable and Smack The Pony was riotously funny, this is the show for you. Not just for young professional women, this show is suitable for any woman who is able to laugh and cry, without embarrassment, at the female condition.


- The most outrageous comedian is back!

Still as popular as ever but too rude for television, there are only two ways to see the ‘Most outrageous comedian in the world’ – in his best selling DVD’s or at his live performances, but be sure to get a ticket as his shows will sell out.

You can always rely on ‘Chubby’ to shock but never disappoint, but be warned - if you are easily offended please stay at home. If not get practising the famous chant, we can’t print it, but we know you know what it is!

Geoff's Preview - X-rated humour from the jocular Geordie. The famous chant originates from the old Smokey song, Living Next Door To Alice. "ALICE? ALICE? WHO THE F**K IS ALICE?" This hilarious chant, originated by the Germans, is the centrepiece in Roy's cheeky show. This show is suitable for anyone over 18 with a sense of humour. Beware, though. Roy tends to pick out members of the audience for a bit of banter. So if you want to enjoy the show without being featured in it, I'd book a seat near the back of the auditorium if I were you.


  1. After languishing in small town Florida for a year, I was almost hysterical with excitement when 'An Evening with Micky Rooney' visited the theatre. Imagine my surprise when, twelve months later, this was toppped, yes topped, by 'An Evening with Burt Reynolds'.
    Odds are Burt is coming your way. Enjoy!

  2. When they said "Crawling onto the stage..." I thought they meant now. His lovely young wife must keep him going.

    What does Burt Reynolds do on stage? Hair tricks?

  3. What a depressing list - similar to the Tameside Hippodrome.

    In search of further edification I followed your link and found Cilla Battersby Brown lurking there in her panto costume.

    You were trying to save us from that weren't you Geoff?

    I should have trusted you.

  4. Mickey Rooney as a talking vagina? I'd pay good money for that.

  5. Your advice about "booking a seat near the back" very useful Geoff. I suggest booking it in a row around Bromley.

  6. Kaz - I'm still in shock from seeing the tops of Cilla's stockings last night. At least she's playing the wicked queen and not a thigh slapping Anita Harris type.

    Tim - I can't see him being "warm, open and exciting", though. He'd just be his usual vain self. Neatly trimmed, of course.

    Murph - Roy's playing in panto, too (The Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland). "Alice? Alice? Who the f**k is Alice?"

  7. I've never seen a panto.

    We're a deprived nation.

  8. Pantos are shit. You're mising absolutely nothing.

  9. Or even "missing".

  10. I'll have one ticket for Think Floyd please.

  11. I think it'd be better to go to Burgess Hill to see The Wall show. As Betty said, it's probably like the Spinal Tap Stonehenge spectacular.

  12. Aaah Jethro. Using "hilarious" to describe Jethro suggests that there is a meaning of hilarious not yet in the dictionary: excruciatingly unfunny

  13. Even my mum was embarrassed by the video I bought her a couple of years ago. And she's Cornish!