Monday, May 15, 2006

See, I Told You No More Football

Episodes 6290 and 6291 of Corrie (how do I know? - Sky+ balls-up) showed us the best of Roy Cropper.

After spending the night sprucing up the cafe to win over the Environmental Health Officer, Roy showed the man round whilst sporting what seemed to be a new extremely smart, slick hairdo complete with side parting.

Of course, once the officer had left, allowing Roy to reopen the cafe, Roy's hair was back to normal, although maybe a tad shinier than usual.

And later, when explaining why he reemployed Vera after unfairly partly blaming her for the mess the cafe got into while he was away, he compared Vera to HM The Queen:-

1. He's not sure why she's there.
2. He gives her too much money for what she does.
3. He's not actually that keen on what she does do.

BUT - for some inexplicable reason, she draws in the punters.

And that's as near to a republican manifesto you'll get on a British soap opera.


In other telly news - the Hovis advert has gone all countryfolk on us.

The same hilly, cobbly street, the same brass band musical bollocks, but no longer the eeh bah gum when I were a lad from oop North ecky thump. Oh no, the voiceover is all oo ar, oi loikes moi bread to be olemeal, oi doz, and this week oi 'ave been mostly eatin' 'ovis.

Is it just the South who've got this new accent? This reminds me of the Bacardi advert in 80s cinemas where the cockernee voiceover was for the Dog 'n' Duck dahn the 'igh street apples 'n' pears me old china. Then I go to Edinburgh for a short break and it's The Thistle and Sporran in Sauchiehall Street och aye the noo there's a wee bit a dirt in ma eye and I canna get it oot.

Why can't these bastards speak the Queen's English?

For Christ's sake get Brian Sewell in before it's too late.


  1. Geoff, you disappoint me. I would have thought that you would have seen the obvious opportunity to link the two parts of your article together by suggesting that the queen should get the contract for the new Walker's Crisps advert. Or maybe that should be Fergie, now that Mr Lineker is without a wife. I will have to leave the details to those paupers among your readership who do not possess a sky+ box, a device that allows you to fast forward through all the commercials. I haven't seen an advert since Thora Hird was the mother in 'Mother's Pride'.

  2. I seem to remember that, despite the reet gradely down t'pit voiceover, the Hovis ad was in fact shot in Gloucestershire or thereabouts. So it is entirely appropriate that the narration should in fact be that of a straw-munching, monobrowed sisterlover.

  3. Shaftsbury, Dorset. Gold Hill to be precise. And as luck would have it, it's going to be on again this month for 10 days.

  4. Vicus - The Queen's contracted to Duchy Originals. You won't have seen the Cadbury Flake-like advert where she lies back in the bathtub and the biscuit crumbs tumble down her chest. Fergie and Gary is a match made in heaven. In fact they wanted Fergie for the Tara Palmer Tompkinson role in last year's ad campaign.

    Tim/Richard - So they've lied to us for all these years. Hovis! Dorset! I wonder where it's made?

  5. Don't know where it's made but the boy on the bike in the advert is now a London firefighter. As healthy breads go, Hovis isn't. Allegedly.

  6. I've come here via Betty. She recommends you highly actually. That's dedication for you. Are you Betty's husband? She's great. I like her. like Joy Division and take the mick out of MySpace crap. So you must be marvellous.

    Vive la Blog!

  7. The song that I put on my blog was meant to be a bit of a pastiche of this phenomenon actually. I wonder if I'll get 25,000 hits because of it. know why? My dad ain't called Keith Allen.

  8. Hello Molly. I am Betty's husband and I think she's the best.

    I looked at your blog at the weekend and I'll be back. I'll listen to your song when I get home (we're not wired for sound at work).

    Who'd want Keith Allen as a dad? So you've got to feel for the poor kid.

  9. I must apologise. I said that you deleted my comment, when in didn't. Silly old me. I just got lost in the sheer labyrinthine wonder that is your blogsphere. It's like being a mythical person with a bit of string. Where's that Minotaur?

    So, sorry. I'm going to put a link to you..I love those poems that you've got about different media people. Excellent. Very excellent in fact.

  10. Thank you, Molly.

    Yours is the first comment I've had on my poems. I even reproduced one once in a post I did on this blog and I got no response.

    I suppose one day they'll be spammed away.

    I liked your pastiche song.