Sunday, November 26, 2006

Flushed Away

As a youngster, Pinky and Perky used to scare the shit out of me...

If I'd been a child growing up in the past fifteen years, any Nick Park animation would have done the same...

The Nick Park grin is a bit of a bowel loosener for a sensitive child...

Uncle Nick's coming to get you.

When he started his campaign of world domination he must have looked himself in the mirror, laughed his evil laugh and boomed, "ONE DAY THIS MOUTH WILL BE EVERYWHERE!"

Because he's an evil bastard, he was desperate for nice middle class children to wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night, scared out of their wits. If they pissed the bed, even better. Of course, the kids couldn't tell their parents as the stupid mums and dads actually thought Nick's world was part of a nice cosy plasticine English world, like Noddy for the politically correct.

The kids don't like it, mum and dad! They're terrified of the teeth!

And while Nick's in his studio, painstakingly creating his next Nick Park's Mouth Oscar Winner, the Yanks have got in on the act and struck a deal with Aardman to produce a CGI version of the same old same old...

That's it. Next Disney will want a piece of the action and Mickey Mouse, Pluto, even poor Bambi and Dumbo will be recreated with the leading protagonists grinning diabolically. Parents will love it and children all over the world will be having nightmares. And Park will be in his creepy element, satisfied he's spoilt more young lives.

Save the children. Save the babies.

Ban the mouth before it's too late.


  1. Crikey Geoff, you are a bit of a wet blanket, aren't you?

    When I was a kid I was only ever frightened of werewolves and proper scarey things.

  2. But imagine those evil piggies on your wallpaper. You have a fever and the piggies come alive and start to dance around your head, taunting you, taunting, taunting, taunting.

  3. But Gromit would make them dead.

  4. The voices of the pigs are really frightening too. Strange helium voices squeaking. And the jerky head movements. I'm with you Geoff. Imagine them coming at you in the darkness. Ew...scary biscuits.

  5. Richard - Gromit has no mouth. That could be pretty scary, too. The Gromits are coming, humming silently. Evil Park.

    Molly - They were worse in black and white for some reason. Probably because I never saw them in colour.

  6. Anonymous10:11 AM

    Those Pigs were on with Tarby once on a chat show which was very frightening.

    I think it was called "Pinky, Perky, Porky & Parky".

    Cracking cheese, Gromit!

  7. Phillllll Jupitus and Joe Strummer once did a benefit gig for the public schools they attended.

    They performed under the name Punky and Porky.

  8. Anonymous2:31 PM

    Btw Geoff, watched (part of) "Buzzcocks" last night and have come round to the idea that you are v. sound in matters cultural. New 12 year old presenter is disaster and makes Lamar look like Einstein, and Philllll's funny hair and glasses produce less gravitas and more gravitarse. Have watched since I was a puppy but will not now be wasting valuable gonad licking time on this shite. (Please excuse the intemperate language)

  9. (ignores reference to gonad licking).... I loved Pinky and Perky as a kid, buy I saw them on telly last month and had to run behind the settee - terrifying.

    But there was nothing wrong with Muffin the Mule!

  10. Murph - I think you'll have to reassess your view of my wisdom on matters cultural. I actually think Buzzcocks is a lot better with Simon Amstell at the helm - Simon's a fan of contemporary pop music unlike Lamarr who doesn't like anything made after 1965. I'll still watch Buzzcocks as it's one of the few pop music shows on tv, although the chances of hearing anything I haven't heard before are nil. Yes, there is some new stuff on Later with Jools but everything sounds so bland on there. With the death of TOTP and the demise of the pop single, where am I going to hear the next girl band, R&B, or dance single?

    Kaz - Muffin was from an innocent age, before the psychedellic drugs kicked in.

  11. Anonymous8:10 PM

    That's it then. I'm getting old.

  12. I was a normal child.
    I was scared of school bullies. And Daleks.

  13. Yes - Daleks, Catweazle and school bully Ian Armstrong (now in prison apparently) were my terrors. And I had a Rupert Bear Annual - everytime Raggedy appeared I would cry.

  14. Daleks, yes. But I didn't get affected by school bullies until my teens. Must have gone to a right wimpy primary school.

    Rupert Bear's pretty creepy himself with his golfing trousers.

  15. Being scared of P&P, W&G etc. is justifiable in my mind as they are real (but not alive) unlike Mickey Mouse.