Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Toffee Galore

Chubby Broccoli, the fat vegetarian producer of the James Bond films, first saw the new Bond, Daniel Craig, in a film called The Mother. The Mother was written by Hanif Kureishi, and is too miserable for words. We bravely fought our way through it on Sunday and Monday.

In the film, Daniel not only shags his best friend's sister, he shags their mother, too. He swears a lot and sniffs cocaine off a Black & Decker Workmate. All very un-Bond like.

Then again, maybe it's time for Bond to appreciate the older woman. Now they've filmed all the books they're going to have to start on remakes. Why not recast the original Bond girls in the same roles? I'm sure Ursula Andress and Honor Blackman wouldn't mind a little bit of adventure. And going by The Mother, Daniel would be well up for it, too. You can't beat experience in the spy game. After all, a plateful of granny's homemade stew goes down a damn sight better than a dodgy mouthful of raw fish.


  1. Apologies for lowering the tone - but that 'mother' used to be Ken Barlow's wife. The one who was electrocuted with the hairdryer.
    I'll get mi coat.

  2. Corrie's got much more going for it, Kaz.

    I'm not so sure that Ken could perform quite as well as our Daniel, though.

  3. Anonymous9:24 PM

    Didn't the Workmate used to go out with Ken Barlow's daughter?

  4. I think The Mother is rather a crap film.

    I slagged it off once only to be stamped on the foot by my friend who reminded me I was sat next to the director at a dinner party! Oops.

  5. Granny's homemade stew?


  6. Anonymous7:17 AM

    Please for the sake of myself and others (well, Tim at least) that:
    Granny's homemade stew is not some sort of vile sexual euphemism. (And if it is, I do not need to have it translated).
    That the actor who plays Ken Barlow is not the new James Bond. And that Gail Tilsley is not the new Bond girl. And that Albert Tatlock is not the new villain. And that's about as many Coronation Street characters as I know.

  7. Shirley Eaton's still pretty fit for her age. I think she grew up in the same road as my Dad, I'm pretty certain I met her once when I was playing out in the street at Grandma's, because I can remember Mum talking about the girl opposite who was visiting and who'd been in films and was famous. I didn't recognise her but then I wasn't meant to be watching ladies in their bras at that age. He went to school with Eileen Atkins as well but I don't think she was ever a Bond girl.

  8. Murph - The Workmate still has her in his vice-like hands.

    RoMo - Agreed. I haven't seen so many unlikeable characters together since the 1982 Conservative Party Conference.

    Tim/Vicus - I am purely talking about food. If I was involved in spying I think I'd eat at home from now on. Gail Tilsley is the new Bond girl. When her face is 20 feet tall on the silver screen you can see what the man with the rabbits saw in her.

    Richard - I got Eric Sykes' autograph at a young age. I don't think he was ever a Bond girl, though.

  9. "We bravely fought our way through it on Sunday and Monday."

    Christ, it sounds a long film as well.

  10. The only bit worth seeing is James Bond having a cocaine fuelled tantrum and throwing his worktools through a conservatory window. Oo, I say, temper temper old chap!

  11. ..."from the director of Notting Hill."

    See, if I had known THAT.

    I just vaguely remembered the good reviews when it came out.

  12. I think that I would be more 'shaken' than 'stirred' by the spectacle of watching Bond thrash about during cross generational sex...eeww!.

  13. I think Roger Moore's already done it.

  14. Anonymous7:24 PM

    I was going to do a crap joke about being licensed to drill, but I'm not sure I'll bother now.

  15. Crap jokes very welcome here, Realdoc.

    The name's Bond...Unibond.

  16. Anonymous10:51 AM