Monday, February 05, 2007

Asparagus Syndrome

I try to get my five a day. A glass of pineapple juice, muesli with dried fruits, an apple, a large portion of peas or broad beans or soya beans. I think I just about make five portions of fruit & veg a day. I should live to be 90.

(By the way - did you know it doesn't matter how many glasses of fruit juice you drink a day, they only add up to one portion so you can't just gorge yourselves on orange juice, you lazy people).

Sainsbury's are helping us all reach our goal. When you spend £20 there you get a lucky coupon which tells you if you've won some free fruit or veg. So far we've won a carton of apple juice which we don't drink and two packs of fresh asparagus.

I was delighted to find the asparagus at two packs for £3. I took the two packs to the checkout with two bottles of bleach. I managed to pay £3 for the asparagus less £3.98 in asparagus vouchers, making a profit of 98p! 32p for two bottles of bleach and two packs of asparagus! Fantastic!

What I didn't realise is that after eating the asparagus, you need to use the bleach every time you go for a piss. Because fresh asparagus eaten in the quantity suggested by the government makes your piss extremely stinky. I almost passed out from the smell. As I was taking my post-asparagus piss, I wasn't thinking about all the good it was doing me with its vitamin c and its folic acid, I was thinking "how am I going to get through the next 20 seconds when the smell of my own piss is killing me?"

I should have known better. The following is a photo of the actress Sarah Miles, clearly dead after drinking a pint of her own asparagus laced piss. Her suffering is over now.

17 comments:

  1. Point of information: asparagus makes breast milk stink too.

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  2. I'm sticking with spinach. It has the added bonus of giving me super-strength.

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  3. I think I have Residual Asparagus Syndrome.

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  4. Realdoc - Is that an asparagus tip?

    Billy - Spinach with a little Olive Oyl?

    Dick - You've been drinking the stock?

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  5. It serves that Sarah Miles right for writhing round on the floor in a crocheted dress in 'Blow out'.
    She isn't really dead is she? - Not that I'd miss her.
    Stick with Asda - they probably don't do asparagus - or Sarah Miles.

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  6. Odd how that's all folk ever really remember her for. I wonder if her and Robert Bolt ever went round to Meatloaf's for drinks?

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  7. You have to be prepared to smell of piss as you get older anyway, Geoff.

    Asparagus tastes of nothing. Where does the smell come from?

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  8. I've always been intrigued by the smell that asparagus invokes - I sort of quite like it. Does that make me a bit weird?

    The smell cannot be noticed in raw or cooked asparagus, so it is believed that the body converts a compound within asparagus into a metabolite, which can then be smelled in the urine. The odour is often described as the smell of rotten or boiling cabbage, or even ammonia, and is believed to be due to the presence of methyl mercaptan, also known as methanethiol, which is a sulphur containing derivative of the amino acid methionine. All that was thanks to here:

    http://www.studentbmj.com
    /back_issues/0800/education/277.html

    Which reminds me, it's probably something similar on the lines as to why onions make your farts smell 'eggy' because they contain a sulphurous compound which is very difficult for our bodes to break down therefore creating noxious gas.

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  9. The RE/Search Book of Bodily Fluids discusses asparagus pee.

    Coffee and Cola give you coffee scented pee. Turpentine makes your pee rose-scented (at the same time as destroying your kidneys apparently).

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  10. Guinness can be pretty stinky at the other end too. Despite talk of its being good for you, occasionally you can look behind you and almost expect to see a little black cloud hanging in the air.

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  11. Kaz - Sarah's not dead. She's opened a juice bar. I'm afraid I can't tell you where it is.

    Richard - Cocktails for 3?

    Murph - I don't mind smelling of piss. I just don't want to smell of rotten cabbage.

    Romo - Thank you for that information. I'm going to try the second pack tomorrow so I'll be making notes on what it smells like.

    Llewtrah - Why should cola wee smell of coffee? I'll have to check that one out, too. I won't be drinking turps in a hurry. White spirit, maybe.

    OA - Welcome. I think when Guinness comes out it takes everything with it. No prisoners.

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  12. Gosh RM - this has been very edumacational.

    THis asparagus thing doesn't happen to me. Which means that either:

    I'm immune to the asparagus-weird piss effect

    OR

    My piss smells weird all the time and I just haven't noticed.

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  13. Spinny - you are one of the few it doesn't affect - you must have some special stuff in your gut that can metabolise it properly....you are special in asparagus land!

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  14. Fish. I've noticed as I get older that if I eat fish, I wee it as well. Chilli also. I only like asparagus soup but can't say I've ever noticed.

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  15. Guiness makes your shit black because of the iron, but you have to drink a lot of it.

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  16. You lot are just going through the motions.

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  17. cola contains similar compounds to coffee. ou don't get fizzy wee though.

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