Friday, February 16, 2007

Selling Sausages By The Pound



The smell in Asda today is foul, although the smell in Asda today is not fowl but definitely porcine.

On special offer is the sausage apparently voted the country's best: the Porky White.



The woman speaking over the tannoy doesn't tell us who voted and which other brand of sausages were included in the shortlist of best English sausages. Was Porkinson's there? Or does Prince Charles have a special sausage in his Duchy range of organic good-for-you foods? Or were they just voted above plain old Wall's bangers?

Anyway, Porky Whites are the best. They just don't smell very nice. At Asda they are offering little portions of the PWs on sticks free of charge for Asda's hydrogenated fat saturated customers to sample. The portions look undercooked but they are being gobbled up. Most consumers return the sticks.

Whilst in Asda we buy some bog roll. We like the soft stuff as we have sensitive arses. In fact my arse has been known to weep in front of paticularly moving films.

This is our current bog roll of choice.



The reason I am none too impressed is because the hard looking little bastard on the packaging is apparently the new "MD" of the bog roll company. Apparently he will get back to you if you're in any way dissatisfied with your arse-wiping experience. I don't believe them. I can't see a psychopathic little shit like that manning the phones or dictating an apology to his secretary/mother. He's more likely to send his own shit wrapped in a paper nappy, recorded delivery to the poor sod whose arse was cut open by the shards of glass inserted in the bog roll by the same evil child.

24 comments:

  1. It was that kind of toilet roll wrapping that won the war.

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  2. You are right to be wary Geoff. He'll probably tell you to stick it up your arse.

    At least in 15 years time he'll be sticking it up his nose and dissappointing his parents.

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  3. Dick - Why haven't Churchill Insurance thought of it?

    Murph - I'm getting a petition going - no more children advertising toilet paper. Just cute dogs. Are you and Oz up for it?

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  4. In 15 years time that kid will be in the bog but with the lid down, forcing the last vestiges of his massive trust fund from the Velvet ads up his nostrils. Patsy Kensit all over again.

    There is an unpleasant side effect with the very soft boggies that I'm rather reluctant to discuss but...No. No, it's just not nice.

    WV is zeusfdr which I find strangely amusing.

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  5. Ooh surely there isn't a sausage yet invented that doesn't smell disgusting until it's been blackened to death by pan or grill.

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  6. Ugh ugh and more ugh. Porky Whites sound utterly disgusting and there is nothing worse than the smell of undercooked or raw sausages. I used to work with someone who used to smell of raw sausages. His name was Darrell. Yuck.

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  7. Richard - Rough or smooth, you've got to be careful out there.

    OA - I'm sure the Porky Whites were still white.

    Romo - I wonder if the original Punch & Judy men used real raw sausages? Did you show Darrell how to do his job? - "That's the way to do it!"

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  8. Busted! You write for 'Family Guy'.

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  9. That's meant as a complement by the way. Oh, why did I start...?

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  10. Thank you, Arabella. I'll take it as a compliment though I only watched Family Guy a couple of times a long time ago and can't really remember it.

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  11. That little bastard looks like the kind of child that grows up to become a Canadian politician.

    Go ahead. Wipe yer arse with it.

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  12. I was thinking of the adult baby character - the one with a head like a football.

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  13. MJ - I think he's already balding.

    Arabella - I think he's already balding, too.

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  14. Ugh. Better wait for the low fat "Porky Lites". I reckon the baby-faced bog roll kid is a gangland Mr Big. He'd get away with murder with that frame and face. Porky Whites are made from the corpses of his competitors.

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  15. I've just been for a number 2 and Mr Big forced me to use more bog roll than I wanted. He's got me where he wants me.

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  16. I hate sausages but bog roll is good.

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  17. You can't beat it for wiping your arse.

    Now there's a good advertising slogan.

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  18. Yeah, sausages don't get your arse clean enough, do they? And if you aren't careful with your aim ... ooh, not pursuing that train of thought ....

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  19. Anonymous3:39 PM

    you losser....porky whites are the best sausages in the world!!! and if you wanted to know who was in the competition with them why didnt you ask!!!!

    dont put them in the same class as walls!!!!

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  20. I can confirm that Geoff is a losser. I can also confirm that Anonymous is Derek Porky White, the man behind the multi million pound industry that is Porky White's sausages. He gets VERY annoyed about the idea of competition from other sausage manufacturers, and has been convicted of GBH against Bert Wall (the man behind the multi million pound industry that is Walls sausages). Mess with him at your peril.

    Er, actually, I like Robirch sausages .

    *runs away*

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  21. Anonymous12:46 PM

    what the hell are you taking about..GBH!!! were are you getting your facts??

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  22. You did him with a frying pan. Clouted him right round the head. It was all over Sausage and Meat Monthly. Or S&M as it's known to those in the trade. Maybe you missed that issue, Derek.

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  23. I tell you something, I work for Sausage Quarterly, and all the stuff that broke in the butchery press is only the tip of the iceberg. Sausage manufacturing is a cut throat world. The people at the top work hard, fight hard, and party hard. Amy Winehouse is a lightweight compared to some of the parties involved. Put it like this, there's a reason that Derek Porky White is known in the business as Derek Porky White Nostrils.

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  24. Anonymous7:39 AM

    I can tell you NOW that Derek Porky White is not the name of the person who owns Porky white sausages....get the facts right... and also every industry is the same.. cut throat!

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