It's been a good old week in Geoff's world of blogging, at last some recognition for a couple of my favourite blogs.
First Corrie Canuck is acclaimed in The Guardian.
Then Caroline is shorlisted for a bloggie.
We are taking over, I tell you.
And guess what?...
I receive a phone call from a man claiming to be television personality Loyd Grossman. He certainly sounds convincing. He says I've been nominated for a prestigious blogging award ("blorging aword") and that the ceremony will be televised. He says he will email me with the details.
When I ask him what I am up for, he says..."Most erotic blog, Geoff."
Of course, I am shocked. Me, up there with the likes of Girl With A One Track Mind and Abi Titmuss Blog? Geoff's Dreams? Geoff's Erotic Dreams? How am I turning people on?
I scan my posts...Nothing vaguely sexual there. I know I get some very rude searches but that's all part and parcel of being a blogger. I bet even the most po-faced political or pious religious blogger gets the odd 'tit wank' on their stats.
It can't be my profile. Come on, a 44 year old wet blanket who portrays himself as Rip Van Winkle and whose interests include Sherlock Holmes, Ingmar Bergman, and Mogwai? Who's going to get off on that?
If it's not in the words, it must be in the images. A beautiful French bulldog, a close up of an orange arsed fly, some spurned Hampshire sheep, the turkey girlfriend of James Blunt. Unless this is some kind of weird bestiality cult blog awards...but then it wouldn't be televised and surely Loyd Grossman would have nothing to do with it.
Ok, they've made a mistake. But what if they've made a mistake and I win?
I'll have to stand up in front of millions of people and try to be convincing. As if I'm articulate and confident and sexy and my words give people a tingling feeling in their private parts. But my writing's more Windy Miller than Henry Miller and my voice is more Martin Freeman than Morgan Freeman.
No! I can't let this happen. Once I get the email I'm going to reply straight back to Mr Grossman and say he can stick the whole thing through his keyhole and up his arsehole. You've got the wrong man, Loyd!
I check my inbox. There it is...
"Dear Geoff. Congratulations on your nomination for one of our prestigious blogging awards. The panel feel that without a doubt, yours has to be one of the most erratic blogs we have ever read..."
Erratic?...Oh, Loyd, you and your funny way of speaking! God, I feel such a fool! Of course I'm erratic. I'm probably the most erratic blogger out there.
Yes, I'll accept your nomination. Yes, I'll come to the ceremony. Yes, I'll behave in an erratic manner. I'll have one big nutty breakdown when I accept my award. Because I am going to win...
Aren't I?
The Staircase in the Woods by Chuck Wendig
5 hours ago
(clapping erratically) -- I would give a standing ovation but I am clapping SOOOO erratically that I might fall over.
ReplyDeleteok,, cant vote for you if i cant find the entry. what catagory are you? must be pretty erratic if i cant find that catagory
ReplyDeletecan i smell irony?
ReplyDelete*confused*
Lori - I prescribe watching an hour-long documentary on seals.
ReplyDeleteAnon - Typical of Loyd to promote his sauces all over my award.
SG - There is some irony in there but not in the first four lines.
Unless you're saying "Is this post meant to be funny?" in which case I apologise and hope the next one's better.
i thought as much.
ReplyDeleteand it is funny. in fact, you and betty are so much fun i'm tracking you down as we speak and i will shortly be hurtling round the m25 to peer through your letterbox in the small hours of the morning.
Beware. The anti-vandal paint's still there from Halloween.
ReplyDeleteAnd here I was sure that the orange-arsed fly made you a shoo-in for the most erotic blog.
ReplyDeleteThen again, it could have contributed heavily to the decision for your nomination as "most erratic."
Good luck and may the most erratic blogger win!