Fish for Brains

You can't get enough Omega-3s!

That's what the guardian says. Most of us eat far too many Omega-6s and not enough Omega-3s. A diet which is saturated in Omega-6s makes your brain run like a 386 processor with its memory full to capacity with blurry images of fat men shitting. A brain full of Omega-3s however, runs like a Pentium 4 with Windows Media Center and incredibly high resolution graphics showing young, lithe, athletic bodies, running, jumping and somersaulting.

So I try to up my Omega-3 intake. Oily fish. Sardines on toast for breakfast. Boneless sardines in a rich tomato sauce. If I want a brain like Einstein's I've got to eat them at least twice a week.

Mmm. Do cats really like this stuff? Cold, oily fish. Don't think about it Geoff, just chew and swallow, don't think about the taste.

Jesus, it's only ten to seven in the morning, what am I doing? Cold, oily fish. Cold, oily sardines. Just be grateful they're boneless and you haven't got their little spines to negotiate. And look, there's no mound of roe seeping from their guts. Don't think of what could have been. Their heads. Their eyes. Their hard little tails. Their silver skin...no wait, there's their silver skin under the tomato sauce. Just close your eyes and chew and swallow. Think of something else.

Mmm, this toast is nice. All I can taste is the toast. Lovely, wholemeal toast. None of that slimy tomato sauce or those wriggling little cold, oily fish.

Wriggling? They're not wriggling, are they? Don't open your eyes, just lift the fork and move your mouth over the prongs and chew the toast. The dry, flavourless toast. So dry, you have difficulty swallowing it. Chew! Chew, chew, chew and swallow! Swallow, damn you! Get down, you cold, oily fish in a rich, thick tomato sauce.

What a price to pay. Did Einstein really go through this twice a week or more? No wonder his hair grew the way it did. "Get me away from that fish!" it said. "Christ Albert, that stuff makes me shudder. It's like an electric shock to the system."

Bollocks to it. No more sardines for me. I'm going to stay slow and bovine and count my small change at the front of the supermarket checkout queue and get it wrong.

It's the hare versus the tortoise, isn't it?