Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The 400 Million Blows

So I open a new box of tissues and what do I see? Not the usual advertisements for hayfever products at this time of year. No, I see "Kleenex For Men: 50 Years of Mansize Strength 1956 - 2006".

I'm not an 8 stone weakling but I'm certainly not a strong man. OK, I can just about open most jars handed to me by arthritic pensioners, but really the only things that say "big strong man" about me are the tissues I use.

50 years of Kleenex For Men. I'm guessing that the 'ex' stands for 'emissions'. When it's used as a suffix, such as Kleen-ex and Dur-ex, we're talking about the containment of emissions. When used as a prefix, such as Ex-lax, well that's just the opposite.

I'm very happy with my Kleenex. You see, growing up I had a cotton handkerchief. It was my task to decide when it was dirty. When I'd decided it was, I'd throw it in the washing machine. Of course when I had one of my regular nosebleeds, then it was dirty. But for the usual day-to-day effluent, I just had to ask myself how long I could tolerate a wet right pocket.

I probably started using Kleenex For Men when I started to do my own washing. And it revolutionised my life. My right thigh never felt drier or more confident. And my nose appreciated being wiped dry rather than wet. Those horrible germs now got thrown onto landfill sites for seagulls to chew instead of being dissipated amongst the weekly wash.

So happy birthday, Kleenex For Men. You beat those other girly tissues to a pulp. And you sure made a man of me.

7 comments:

  1. This blog is getting too manly for me. I'm off to look at pictures of fluffy bunnies and such.

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  2. "If you can't stand the sweat, get outta the locker room."

    (Iron John)

    (not Elton John)

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  3. This post really does deserve to be taken to places you weren't thinking of when you wrote it. I thought you were on the way with "emissions" but you shied away. Unless of course "nosebleed" is being used euphemistically.

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  4. I'm sorry, Richard. 50 years of????

    I'm sure not even Mick Jagger has that much jam.

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  5. This made me think of bird flu. It must have been something to do with all those chewing seagulls and your horrible germs.

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  6. You can't blame me and Kleenex for bird flu, Mig. Oh no, we won't have it.

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  7. I use Kleenex Anti-Viral. They're pretty hardy tissues. But are they manly? Not that they need to be, since I'm a woman!

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