1. A track from your early childhood - Michelle or Penny Lane by the Beatles. I remember us driving through London at night with one of these playing on the car radio. Except I'm sure we didn't have a car radio. Not so sure we had a car. Whenever I hear these songs I always feel a little sad, though. Those lovely minor chords make me ache for the innocence and sheer uncomplicated happiness of those days. They weren't the Swinging Sixties for me, they were the warm and comfortable sixties. Until I started school. Then boy did we swing.
2. A track that you associate with your first love - Ben by Michael Jackson. Memories of the girl picking blackheads from my skin as we listened to this soppy shit. Before she told me I'd always assumed Ben was Michael's pet dog. He wasn't. He was a fucking rat.
3. A track that reminds you of a holiday trip - Don't You Forget About Me by Simple Minds. We were on a skiing trip in Aviemore. I was with a group of lads who I'm sure didn't want me there as they were the sort of adventurous young men who would turn up at a ski resort with no skiing experience and with no tuition would be hurtling down the black run by the end of the first day. I was the sort of young man who was shit scared of heights and couldn't even get on the chairlift. Don't You Forget About Me was playing in a bloody awful disco as I drank pints of horrible McEwans bitter in an attempt to forget I was there. Of course the bitter didn't stay down for long.
4. A track that you like but wouldn’t want to be associated with in public - I still have a soft spot for Follow You Follow Me by Genesis (pictured). Even after all these years and hating Phil Collins and Mike and the Mechanics and yes, Genesis, as I do.
5. A track that accompanied you when you were lovesick - Who do you think I am? A girl?
6. A track that you have probably listened to most often - Probably Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello. I spent the 80s in love with Elvis. But now his voice just annoys me, so put-on. Same goes for Tom Waits and Nick Cave, used to love 'em, now can't be arsed. I prefer Robert Wyatt's version of Shipbuilding, but I've really heard the thing too many times.
7. A track that is your favourite instrumental - Any of the food inspired tunes by Booker T. and the MG's. i.e. not Soul Limbo (the one that used to introduce BBC's cricket). I just can't get down that low.
8. A track that represents one of your favourite bands - Virginia Plain by Roxy Music. Why? Why not? Lucky dip and Roxy won.
9. A track which represents yourself best - Showroom Dummies by Kraftwerk.
10. A track that reminds you of a special occasion (which one?) - The Bomb! (These Sounds Fall Into My Mind) by The Bucketheads. The occasion? I knew I wanted to be with my special lady for the rest of my life. (Pass the sick bucket).
11. A track that you can relax to - There's Nothing Like This by Omar: "Sip a glass of cold champagne wine...The rug that we lie on feels divine...And there’s no parallel for we two...Ecstasy the word of the night...Ringing in our ears, we’re inflight...There’s no substitution...For what we have...No others can have" ONLY JOKING - Actually I am a very cool guy and I relax to whole box sets of Trojan CDs.
12. A track that stands for a really good time in your life - Can't really pick one out. Hundreds over the past 10 years. (KEEP PASSING ROUND THAT BUCKET).
13. A track that is currently your favourite - The charts have ben shit this year, haven't they? Probably Red Dress by Sugababes. Not their best by a long way but still the best pop song out now.
14. A track that you’d dedicate to your best friend - A Billy Childish track. Any Billy Childish track. They all sound the same to me. But I think that's the idea.
15. A track that you like especially for its lyrics - In Germany Before the War by Randy Newman. Gives me a lump in the throat every time. And Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols, of course.
16. A track that you like that’s neither in English nor German - Bonnie and Clyde by Serge Gainsbourg. OK, there is a little English in it. What do you want them to sing, "Bonnie et Clyde?" And what about Je Suis Un Rock Star by Bill Wyman? Classique Franglais.
17. A track that lets you release tension best - Number One Song In Heaven by Sparks with Giorgio Moroder. And I'm sweating buckets on my treadmill, wearing those little shorts like Kel does in the great Kath and Kim.
18. A track that you want to be played at your funeral - Funeral For A Friend (Love Lies Bleeding) by Elton John. Followed as it is on the album by Candle in the Wind. Those two'll make me sound like I had an interesting life. "The candle burned out long before the legend ever did." Why has nobody else ever chosen that song for their funeral? We're all legends to someone.
Well, I quite enjoyed that. I know you didn't.
Anybody else want a go?