Many Happy Returns, Young Edward

So it's happy birthday to Teddy Sheringham, 40 today. And as promised, here are 10 things I love about Teddy boy...

1. Teddy is my royalty. The Queen Mother was 99 for about three years. Teddy has been 39 for at least four. I have never cheered real royalty. I have never shouted out to Prince Charles, "Go on my son!" I have never chanted, "Oh, Charlie Charlie! Charlie Charlie Charlie Charlie Wi..indsor!" It doesn't scan and besides, he's not the most inspirational of human beings, is he?

2. Teddy has vision. He can read a game. These are the kind of players I like, slow of foot but quick of brain. I worship Bobby Moore for this reason.

3. Teddy lives locally. He does not live in the country next door to Madonna. He lives amongst the people. Except with a bigger house than the people.

4. Teddy is loved by the fans of every club he has played for. A player who is loved by fans of Millwall, Tottenham and West Ham alike is a bloody good example in my book. Because I have nothing against supporters of other clubs. I might dislike the chairman, the manager, or the way the team plays. But us fans are all in the same boat (speaking as a wimpy armchair fan).

5. Teddy has loyalty. Even at the age of 40, Tottenham wanted him back at the end of this season. He'd rather stay and finish his career at his present club where he feels his work is unfinished.

6. Teddy likes a drink without using it as an excuse to beat up women. Remember the Dentist's Chair pictures from before Euro 96? Can you see Teddy ending up at The Priory? I don't think so. He's enjoying himself too much.

7. Teddy likes his chips. He was spotted locally eating chips outside a local chip shop when he should have been pre-season training. Beats all that chicken and pasta shit.

8. Teddy is not afraid to take his clothes off for charity. He is pictured with other footballers in a naked line up with his hands covering his privates. It's all in aid of a Bollock Cancer charity. Can you imagine Bobby Charlton doing that for his fellow man? And I know Jackie once paraded around with his cock out on a tv documentary about Middlesbrough FC, but I couldn't see woor Jackie whipping out the big man for a good cause.

9. A quote from ex-teammate Neil Ruddock: "He's got a body like a 19-year-old, with a six-pack and not an ounce of fat. He's also never been married, so he's probably had no stress." So he's never had a young lady up the aisle? Good on you, Teddy! Weddings are crap, aren't they?

10. A quote from ex-teammate, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer: "Teddy always trained hard and gave it his all, although I have to say he had a knack of knowing when to get injured - around November so he could get a sneaky week in the Bahamas."

Take it easy, Teddy. We love you.