Net Curtains

Jessica Bandwidth wasn't happy. Her boyfriend, Thomas Kilobyte was very sluggish. He would not get up off the sofa. Once he got his feet into those comfy slippers, his heels resting on that luxurious pouffe, his lap full of Doritos, and a beer in his hand, he was just like any other man.

"But I need my rest," said Thomas. "I work hard all day and I do love my Dorito Time."

Jessica couldn't complain. She was getting bigger each week herself. How could she expect Thomas to get off his arse and work in the evening after a long day in the office if she stuffed her face all day with cake?

"I've got a really good idea," said Jessica. "How about you and me joining the gym? It'll give us more energy for the evenings. Look at what it's done for Cassandra!"

"Your sister's an obsessive," said Thomas. "She lives on her nerves. She's not happy. Not by a long chalk. And neither's her uptight prig of a husband."

Thomas took a swig of beer and produced an enormous belch.

Jessica couldn't look at her boyfriend. His swinish habits disgusted her. So he was happy, was he? Well let's see how happy he'd be without a girlfriend.

"If you don't join me in going to the gym, it's all over between you and me, Thomas," she said.

He crushed a can and opened a fresh one.

"It's a choice between me and the Doritos," she said, turning on the BBC News.

"Hasn't Natasha Kaplinsky got fantastic bone structure?"