Wednesday, August 02, 2006

An Old, Bitter Sadist Speaks

Due to popular disinterest, we shut up shop on Search Me a week and a half ago.

But as it's easy money, I'm going to continue to bring my legion of reader all those hilarious searches brought to me exclusively by Statcounter.

But first an explanation of the title of this post...

The vast majority of my hits are continuing to come from surfers looking for the lyrics to the Sandi Thorn song. Yes, that's Sandi THORN. And of course many of these searchers are big fans of Ms Thorn. And some can't help themselves from telling me exactly what they think of me and my friends...

I love this song..jenne x

you know that i'm just like you people , making fun of everything that is idiotic and sensless , but maybe just maybe you are so wrong ....k the words don't make a lot of sence , she's truly lost when it comes to what is a hippy rocker or punker etc. but she has a point there.anyways just thaught that eventually someone will leave all the judgemental crap behind and read between the pooooorllllllllly done lyrics.heck i could never write a song and i'm betting that all of u are unable 2 do so 2 .

well actully i love tht song it dusent matta wat the words are its the tune people listen to leave sandi alone i bet u cudnt write a better song then tht actully im puttin it as my ringtone !!!!11


OK, I've probably been had and these anonymous comments are really by my blogging friends taking the piss out of the idiotic text speak of the younger generation. But, hey, whatever. Whoever you are you've given me a good laugh anyway.


Another thing that makes me laugh is Google's William Burroughs style cut up technique. So when a googler types in...

Frank Sinatra is the shit

They see under Contains Mild Peril...

Frank Sinatra is a man's man. Just look at the Rat arms, and do a kind of hokey cokey, kicking the shit out of the 30 year old spinster...

Go on, Deano! Fuck me, you can't even walk straight let alone kick!

Or when a punter asks for...

Beverley Callard breasts...

They get...

Beverley Callard and Simon Gregson perform Guns & Roses Sweet Child O' Mine. Wow!...Matronly breasts.

And when they look for...

Country Artist 'Bleeding Angels'

I say...

How many more times in my life will I have to listen to bleeding Angels?


And finally in this extremely bitty post (not "bitty" as in Bev and Simon), 22 of the best searches I've had recently.

1. In Peril
2. Boneless boy falling
3. Pictures of obese men
4. What does a dream mean when dreaming of a policeman with the name Harry?
5. Wet arseholes
6. Wish I was a punk rocker shite
7. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty To Long-Haired Men (No. 4 in Google search from Finland)
8. Paul Merton wank sock
9. Tuna smell cheese
10. Boris Yeltsin gooses (a 19 minute reader from New York)
11. I hate Ben Elton
12. I hate Chelsea
13. I think I'm James Dean
14. Paul Merton is living at...?
15. Pulled Arseholes
16. Mild scarf bondage
17. Taking a bath in public dream
18. Ritchie Blackmore, wig
19. Sexy girls crapping
20. Thigh squeezing
21. The great white shark spotted in Kent in 2006
22. Ground control to make the thumb David Bowie

Now you see why Search Me failed.


  1. I am intrigued by Paul Merton Wank Sock. I mean, aware of google's methods I will occasionally enter what are apparently a series of non-sequiteurs into the search box because I know exactly what I'm searching for. 9 times out 10 I'm bang on the button and I never look at the rest of the results below. Maybe I should and give some people a thrill. The fun of Search Me is in guessing what they were originally looking for. Boneless boy falling, for instance. No 22 has been deluded for over 30 years.I didn't even realise you could mis-hear that one.

  2. In my own trawls through the searches, I'm wary of repeating some of the more depraved ones, because it only encourages more of the same. Maybe I should be more liberal, but some of these people disturb me. I'm pleased with the state of my searches at the moment, which are mainly about hats, hips, and, er, drinking vinegar (which I've never knowingly written about).

    My favourite of the past couple of days though is "Bob Swearingen Good Old Days", which is a happy juxtaposition of Iain McShane swearing like a trooper in Deadwood and one of the worst entertainment programmes to disgrace the airwaves.

    Funny post, by the way.

  3. Ground control to make the thumb...

    Ground control to make the thumb...

    Oh why can't those have been the lyrics. Bah.

  4. Could someone please explain to me the meaning of "pulled arseholes?" I never did find out.

    Was the "tuna smell cheese" search in relation to the now infamous Exploding Tuna Incident?

  5. Richard - I think I know what a wank sock is but I didn't know Paul Merton had patented it. I think I'd prefer to think of the Shari Lewis and Lambchop Wanksock.

    Rob - I can see Leonard Sachs in Deadwood. In fact I can see him in Lovejoy.

    Billy - If it was the Bee Gees those would probably have been the original lyrics. But I think Bowie knew what he was on about. No. 7 is also a Bowie related search as he was a member of that esteemed organisation.

    MJ - A pulled arsehole is a common injury in rugby football. I would also think that millions of women have pulled arseholes in the past. The "tuna smell cheese" does seem like another victim of Sainsbury's. They just about struggled to the computer and typed in those words before they expired from the smell.

  6. Depending on the number of tuna-related searches you get, you could form a national organization for victims of exploding tuna tins. Obviously there's a need.

    Thank you for enlightening me about pulled arseholes. I come here to learn as well as to be entertained, you know.

  7. You are one lucky man. I don't have one interesting search word to add. Not even one!

  8. MJ - NOVETT. Or possibly NOSETT, for survivors. Jonny Wilkinson's been out for months with a pulled arsehole. They're the bane of the modern game.

    D - The trouble is I get all the freaks and perverts and I'm scared of them.

  9. Pulled arsehole I would imagine is Goatse. And if you don't know what that is, you're probably just about to find out. I know from previous experience that if I say 'don't' you'll just ignore me. I did warn you.

  10. This post has made me laugh more than any other ever.

    (I only ever get 'goatee beards/why can't I grow stubble/beard rash' in my comments. Hmph.)

  11. Richard - I presume you get a lot of Goatse searches on your blog. Obviously they're not satisfied.

    Spinny - There's a definite goat theme here. Maybe if Michael Douglas tried to grow one, we'd get a goatee/goatse cross.

  12. Geoff, I must say that I've not had as many as I thought I might and to be honest, when I made the name up I never gave it a second thought. Satisfaction is a relative thing. They may have been disappointed not to have seen him but I like to think that nobody searches him for gratification so maybe the load of shite on my blog does serve a purpose.

  13. I think the searches are great. I think that Paul Merton has a really full sock drawer. That's why he has to think of alternative uses for the overflow.

    I had someone do a search for 'chuff brush' who came to me once. That was a bit worrying.

  14. Taking a bath in a public dream...actually that sounds like a Philip K Dick novel.

    That is wonderful.

  15. Richard - The only shite you've had on your blog was that fascist twat a few weeks ago.

    Molly - Maybe they meant "chough brush" for grooming little tweeters.

  16. Anonymous11:08 PM

    Haha! I am also one of the people who searched the keyword "Ground Control to make", because it was the last word I didnt understand. "The Thumb"? "The Tongue"?

    For all David-Bowie-Fans who arrive here: David Bowie sings: "Ground Control to Major Tom". It's so simple.

    But what is the rest of this post about? As a non-english-speaking-person I fear, that you will laugh at all user comments. Also at mine?

    Cheers from Germany!