Sunday, December 21, 2008

It's A Royal Knockabout

THE GUARDIAN GUIDE (To The Stars of Gavin & Stacey): Have any of you ever actually watched the Queen's Speech?

RUTH JONES: My parents are big fans of the Royal family so we saw it every year. My nanna and grandma used to stand up when they knew the Queen was coming on.

THE GUARDIAN GUIDE: That's quite serious.

RUTH: Yeah, they were hardcore.

MATTHEW HORNE: My parents wouldn't have ever allowed it on. They're not furiously republican, I made that decision for myself.

THE GUARDIAN GUIDE: What would you have done at Ruth's grandparents' house?

MATTHEW: I'd have stood up. And I'd have shat my pants.


Yes, this is the same Matthew Horne who performed at the 2008 Royal Variety Performance in front of the Prince of Wales. I suppose he had no choice, what with his agent putting him in a Catch 22 situation 'n' all.

Being a furious republican myself, I wonder what I'd do if our workplace received a visit from a member of the Royal family. I suppose I'd go along with it, not wanting to make a fuss. I would shake hands and look them in the eye. They are no better than me.

"Don't hate the player - hate the game", as Chris Rock said on his most recent filmed tour. Admittedly not about the Royal family but it applies alright.

I don't hate them. But I think they're fair game for taking the piss out of, like all public figures with no discernable talent.

People like Michael McIntyre, who is my new least favourite comedian after I witnessed his most annoying public school stand up on said Royal Extravaganza. Even the court jesters are posh nowadays!


  1. I watched the first 2 minutes.

    Do I have to finish it?

  2. Is mj talking about the Queen's speech or Michael McIntyre?
    I often wondered the same thing about a Royal visit. At least you wouldn't have to curtsey - I could never do that.
    Could I?

  3. MJ - That's enough. He was even worse in front of Prince Charles because he couldn't swear in his posho voice.

    Kaz - I couldn't curtsey either. And I would only bow to someone if they bowed to me.

  4. I would do my utmost to make sure that they knew that I knew they are taking the piss. I'm sure they are jolly nice and all that, but what a scam - and still people fall for it - they make me more cross than Xmas.

  5. It's the unemployable congratulating the employed on their employment.

    "And what do you do?"

    "A fuck of a lot more than you."

  6. As Lennon should have said: Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? The rest of you can just die of irrelevance.

  7. Except for Princess Margaret, of course.

  8. I love watching the Queen's address because you know damn well that she is hearing it for the first time too.
    I love her upscalian intonations it's all so very very is it not?
    And how many bloody times does she say peeeeeace and prossparitay?

    I know that she was born into the family business but she could really make her mark in history by abolishing the Monarchy..
    poor Charles would plotz!

  9. Margaret was one hot tramp of a lady, wasn't she?

    Jesus, I'd have shagged that - crown or no crown. (No idea what she'd be wearimg...)

    That McIntyre's a tit, isn't he? It's at times like this you wish Bernard Manning was still alive so he could reprise his dressing down of Rupert Everett and Peter Cook on MM:

    "You're about as funny as woodworm in a cripple's crutch. And as for you - you brown hatter..."


  10. Confession- I love Gavin & Stacey (both series), and find Michael McIntyre very funny.
    We watched the Royal Variety this year for the first time since the Beatles appearance (some years ago I believe). It hasn't changed much and it was a bit frightening to see Sir Cliff singing "The Young Ones" with a spookily unchanged and note-perfect Hank Marvin. Maybe there is something in this Jehova Witness stuff, as long as you don't need a transfusion. There was also the same old toe-curling obsequious forelock-touching to the Royal Box but nowadays you get a reaction-shot from camera two. HRH Bryan looked a bit embarrassed when a loud and unfunny Welshman asked if it was his lads who had vandalised the local bus shelter. So did everyone else.
    Armstrong and Miller looked a bit embarrassed to be there, and the rest of the show was an advert for West End Musicals with Sir Toad of Toad Webber even appearing himself.
    They all looked crap apart from Jersey Boys.

    I'll get me coat...

    (PS A very Merry Christmas to your good self and the Bettster.)

  11. Donn - I think she's hoping she'll outlive Charles then she could hand over to that nice William.

    Bob - Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more. But Jagger got there before me.

    Murph - Thanks for the review. Were the jersey boys Tarby and Little Ronnie? Merry Christmas!