Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Please Do Not Punch The Elves

Reading about this New Forest Lapland debacle, I feel sorry for the kids.

There's Lapland in Lapland for rich British families to experience the real winter wonderland. God knows how much it costs for a few days for a family of four.

There's Lapland UK in Kent for less rich/more tight families, costing £75 - £80 each.

And then there's poor old Lapland New Forest at £25 a throw. You can't expect much for that and it looks like you don't get much other than stress.

Christmas was wonderful for me as a very small child because it was all kept to the confines of my close family. I pretty quickly cottoned on that the prat in the department store wasn't the real Father Christmas because I pretty quickly cottoned on that Father Christmas was my dad, not somebody else's. My parents showed me their love by creeping into my room when I was asleep and depositing a pillowcase full of gifts at the foot of my bed. I knew it was my dad (though I've since found out it was actually my mum as my dad was always too pissed to not make a noise).

That was the true magic of Christmas. My dad proving how much he loved me (though now I know it was my mum).

Santa Claus, the reindeer, elves and the rest didn't come into it. And why a sensitive, greedy child would want to share this gloriously selfish time with a load of other snotty kids heaven only knows.

The child who saw Santa smoking a cigarette outside his grotto in the New Forest Lapland will apparently need counselling. Oh come on, at least he wasn't smoking it in the grotto! He wasn't blowing smoke in the kiddies' faces or offering them a drag! He wasn't breaking the law!

If that child's old enough to walk, it's about time they worked out for themselves that that man in the red suit is being paid to dress up. Daddy and Mummy have paid good money so that Santa, the elves, the reindeer, the huskies and the security guards can all have a Christmas dinner of their own, with their own families if they're lucky enough to still have them.


  1. Yikes - that Lapland effort is a disgrace.
    For me Father Christmas was like Baby Jesus. I really didn't know you were supposed to believe in him.
    He was just a picture in a book or an old guy lurking in Lewis's grotto.

  2. I thought this story was sadder than the credit crunch. Where did all this "Lapland" stuff come from - same place as Hallow-friggin-een I suppose.

    Gravesend Co-op used to do a magic sleigh ride to see santa. That was shit but we got a plastic toy so mustn't grumble.

  3. So a few pikeys use their initiative to make a few bob for Xmas and everyone gets up in arms cos one of them has a fag. Thanks for filling me in on this story Geoff - I wondered what all the fuss was about.

  4. Kaz - I always prefered the robins and the snowmen. Father Christmas was a silly old sod.

    Murph - The Co-op department stores are all going. All those happy, shit memories!

    Tom - Exactly. What do you expect for £25 nowadays? Disneyland? It's supposed to look magical at night, anyway. You have to watch out for the husky shit, though.

  5. What bothered me most about the Lapland scam were the boss' pathetic attempts to justify it, including blaming all the complaints on "professional troublemakers" in the crowd. Yeah, because people really have nothing better to do.

  6. I quite like the term "professional troublemakers." Is it well paid?

  7. I was scared of Santa. His beard was yellowy white, askew, and looked like it was going to fall off. It was all wrong. Not like in the pictures.

  8. I always thought Santa smoked a pipe.

  9. I thought that Pikers liked Degs?

    What the hell is that supposed to be anyway? In my part of the world we have real f*cking Winter for 5 bloody months so they wouldn't get a dime out of us.

    I spared my children the starter religion of Santa in the hope that they wouldn't need to make the leap of faith to the other magical guy who knew if you were naughty or nice..
    so far so good.

  10. Scarlet - Yellowy-white beard washed in piss-snow. Santa was disgusting.

    Tim - If only he was smoking a pipe. The girl would not have been traumatised. One of my grandads smoked a pipe. The other smoked roll-ups. The pipe grandad was more homely.

    Donn - Yeah, I bet you have huskies and elves, too. Santa is the Coca Cola religion. He gets kids addicted to sugar. He is a very bad man.

  11. This tree would fit right in.

  12. That tree is magnificent.