Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Old Fossils

I went to the dentist's again yesterday. He gave me a check up in a world record time of 8.97 secs. Then I saw the dental hygienist for the last time. She didn't know it was the last time she would see me as she gave me a lecture on how I should be flossing or at least using the little tepees that she demonstrated on me, drawing copious amounts of blood from my gums.

"YOU REALLY MUST DO THIS EVERY EVENING, LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AS YOU DO IT, MAKING SURE YOU GET EVERY TINY AMOUNT OF PLAQUE OUT OTHERWISE YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE ALL YOUR TEETH. IT WILL BE A LOT OF HARD WORK BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE END. I WILL SEE YOU IN THREE MONTHS BUT IF YOU WORK REALLY HARD EVERY NIGHT ON THAT PLAQUE, IF YOU'RE A VERY VERY VERY GOOD BOY YOU MAY ONLY HAVE TO SEE ME EVERY SIX MONTHS BY THE YEAR 2054."

"Thank you, goodbye, you controlling bitch. You can take my plaque but you'll never get my love."

*****

Richard Dawkins (yes, him again) in the final part of his Darwin series is filmed at a gathering of American atheists.

"Here they treat me like a rock star," he says, modestly.

"Do you think someone gave him a blow job in the toilets?" I ask Betty.

"And someone shared their cocaine with him?" she replied.

9 comments:

  1. If they did, there'd be a little Dawkins plaque on somebody's teeth.

    What in God's name was he thinking?

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  2. I hate flossing. I did it once - I still feel the pain.

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  3. Murph - I think Dawkins is after a blue plaque. A little humility would go a long way. And as he's a genius he's a bit lacking in common sense. As if science teachers could tell their religious pupils their beliefs are a lie without getting the sack!

    Billy - I've tried it twice. First time I bled like buggery. Second time I had toothache all night.

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  4. What? They treat Dickie Dawkins like a rock star?

    Ha, maybe he means they throw bottles of pee at him. Happens at Glastonbury every year, that sort of thing. Apparently.

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  5. For whatever reason Dentistry is not covered by our Healthcare even though they make Dentists go to Medical school for 8 f*cking years despite the fact that they never need worry about anything below the neck!

    Therefore it costs a f*cking fortune to go to the dentist while the great unwashed merrily rush off to waste our tax money in the Hospital Emergency Ward for things like hangnails and lobotomies.

    Apparently Dentists, after a lengthy reign at the zenith of the professionals committing suicide sweepstakes, have quite fittingly been replaced and unceremoniously reduced to a limp second place by psychiatrists.

    Shrinks ending it all from having to listen to skin crawling sociopaths speak of the unthinkable things that they do to unattended house pets for 50 hours a week I can understand...

    I have always suspected that Dentists were offing themselves like lemmings because they finally realised that they never really had to waste 8 f*cking years in University afterall!!

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  6. Most of my body has remained much the same over time (apart from surface erosion of course) but my teeth have let me down.

    They hurt all the time.
    For years I've done the flossing etc. but I'm convinced it doesn't make much difference.

    It's just genes and - in my case - an addiction to that wonderful sticky malt loaf.

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  7. Frumps - Screamin' Prof Dawkins! Live in the Mind, Body, But No Spirit tent.

    Donnnn - Most of our dentists are only taking private patients now. All that money makes them less suicidal.

    Kaz - Yes, it's the genes. Dawkins would agree. I was told that a dentist on that embarrassing illnesses programme said you can clean your teeth too much. The trouble with getting rid of the bad bacteria, a lot of the good goes too. I'm going to gnaw on bark in future. I used to love malt loaf toasted with butter on. I was more cakey when I was younger.

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  8. I was told I brush my teeth too often.

    Apparently, it's true as I ran into an old lover and he said there was something he'd always wanted to ask me...

    "What was with all the teeth brushing?" he inquired.

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  9. You will set the alarm for four times a night!

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