Give Peace a Chance

A friend's nine year old daughter is doing a half-term project: The Life Of John Lennon.

I ask her what she knows about Lennon.

"He was shot by Mark Chapman. We found the video on YouTube."

She has to draw a picture of a Lennon album cover. We find her the Plastic Ono Band cover as a tree is preferable to a close-up of Lennon's face or a full-frontal luxuriously-pubed John and Yoko.

The schoolteacher has asked for the children to bring in Beatles and Lennon CD cases to hang on a tree, presumably a Yoko-style tree of peace. This is unlikely to be a success.

I ask the girl what she knows about Lennon's upbringing. What does she know about his mother?

"She was killed by an off-duty policeman."

Cockney Singalong Sunday

To be sung to the tune of the chorus of Daisy Bell. You know the one: "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do..."

TROUSIES, TROUSIES



Trousies, trousies, love 'em I really do,


I wear trousies all the summer through.


I love to wear me trousies,
Accompanied wiv me blousies,


And socks look sweet
Upon me feet
Wiv trousies and sandals, too.

Buster and the New Boy

At school there was a kid nicknamed Buster who would terrorise the more timid boys. He would demand their pocket money and if they'd already spent it at the tuck shop he would take their savoury snacks and sweets.

He was a truly horrid specimen and the prefects didn't do anything because they fancied his sister who was devoted to little Buster and wouldn't have a word said against him.

One day a new boy joined our school. He was weedy, wore glasses and had a stutter. A perfect victim for Buster's cruelty.

After a month of giving up his pocket money, snacks and sweets, the new boy joined the school's lunchtime Chemistry Club which kept him away from Buster's playground domain. The boy was very enthusiastic about his subject but very secretive and would shield what he was working on from the other swots and the naive teacher.

One lunchtime, as he left the club, he was confronted by an angry Buster in the quadrangle. Buster asked the boy if he had any money. The boy said no. Buster demanded savoury snacks. The boy said he hadn't any. Then, sweets?

The boy produced something Buster hadn't seen before. Little white pills in a see-through flip-top plastic container. Buster asked what these new treats were.

"Only mints," said the boy.

Buster grabbed them from the boy's hand, flipped the top and greedily tipped half the contents into his mouth. He gave a superior smile as he crunched the mints with his strong teeth.

Seconds later, he held his neck. He was burning inside. More than that, he couldn't breathe. Red rose from his Adam's apple to his forehead. His heart was thumping like mad and his brain was an uncontrollable kaleidoscope of colours. He was dying.

With his last breath he forced the words out.

"What...the fuck...are they?"

He fell to the ground and expired. The container of mints fell out of his hand.

Later that year the new boy went to court. The case made the national press. The headlines said...

BULLY BOY TIC TACS

The Heart Ward

My dear fellow,

When I visit your father in hospital, I do not wish to hear about your £2,000 lawnmower, your £8,000 boat, or the "fantastic" wedding reception you went to where the "blinding touch" of egg and bacon sandwiches being served to a plethora of pissed up philistines is the highlight of your life till now.

No, if you've got nothing to say about football or Coronation Street can you kindly keep your mouth zipped shut.

Ghouls & Boys

Well, I got my hung Parliament and probably the best result I could have expected. A horrible one.

But the promise of a referendum on getting rid of the unfair first-past-the-post voting system will be making a lot of Tories choking on their foie gras. I'm surprised Cameron hasn't been lynched.

Speaking with a Lib Dem activist today, as you do, I was informed that during all the dithering they'd been contacted by angry people saying either "I didn't vote Lib Dem to get a Conservative government" or "I didn't vote Lib Dem to get a Labour government." Don't you just hate manic optimists?

So a step towards a fair voting system? That's what I wanted out of this election. Of course PR might produce the same result as we've got now. And there'll be even more people to blame.

2010 Election Broadcast

"Hello, Geoff. I am your Member. Would you like to touch me?"


Yesterday evening I was in a bad mood when I got off the train. My mood didn't exactly improve as I was greeted by our MP and his team as I left the station. David had a big false smile on his big smug face.

Although he's a shoe-in to keep his seat, I'm relying on those of you in marginals (sound like skimpy pants, don't they?) to "do the right thing" and "vote for change".

Now where have I heard those phrases before?

A Future Fairer For All

The latest YouCunt poll results are as follows:-

50% of the UK electorate would like a fairer society
30% of the UK electorate would like a less fair society
20% of the UK electorate haven't got a fucking clue what they want

Of course in the current first-past-the-post system, elections are decided by the people who haven't got a fucking clue. But this time, with the very real possibility of a hung parliament, the 50% of the electorate who would like a fairer society may get one. If the Lib Dems get to hold the balance of power, proportional representation could well be on the cards and the Tory Scum will never form a government on their own again. (Well, that's the theory).

If you want a hung parliament, to help you choose, this site looks just the ticket.

Looks like I'll be voting Lib Dem as a tactical vote for only the second time. Last time I voted for them the bastard came third.

Tijuana Brass Neck

If England insist on playing Terry, Lampard and Gerrard in the World Cup, I'm going to have to support another team.

And as my favorite player of this season has been West Ham striker Guillermo Franco, it's going to be Mexico for me.

Of course our countries have a history of mutual admiration. Who could forget this tribute to Bobby Charlton from Mexico's greatest rock guitarist?

It's All We Seem To Hear About Nowadays

I say to my mum, "Did you hear about Malcolm McLaren? He's dead."

"The racing driver?" she says.

"No, the Sex Pistols manager."

"Oh, the Sex Pistols manager."

I take a different tack.

"And Christopher Cazenove."

"That was strange, wasn't it?"

Herr Wallander

I bought three Wallander books the other week. I haven't started reading them yet but I'm looking forward to the descriptions of the surly detective's hair.

Kurt just can't seem to decide what to do with it.

Does he have it au naturel?



Or does he try to look younger by using the cheap option, Just For Men?



Or does he indeed splash the cash and get it done professionally at Benny & Bjorn?



If this is what the male menopause is like, I'm not looking forward to the next fifteen years.

Weally Wotten Wiposte

At the weekend, Fulham fielded a weakened side against the Irons' fierce relegation rivals, Hull City. The Tigers (Grrr) won 2-0.

I think it was this that was the cause of a dream I had last night.

Fulham's manager, Roy Hodgson, was the England coach. By a miracle (beating Germany on penalties), we won the World Cup. To show his appreciation to the players, Roy decided to hold a party.

It was a fancy dress party. And to remind the players of their humble beginnings and their good fortune at now being wealthy heroes, Roy decided on a special theme. He gathered the players together and told them it would be a "Rags To Riches" party.

Here is a photo of a few of the players' other halves at said party:

The Dead Sea

As some of you may know, I've joined Facebook. It's not for me. There's just none of the energy of Twitter, the forward momentum. If Twitter is a vigorous river, Facebook is the Dead Sea. I've been banging my head against my Wall trying to think of a creative use for Facebook. I've given up.

Maybe I just can't be myself.

Who's The Daddy?

Doesn't the Camerons' news put a smile on your face. A pregnancy is just the thing to perk up an election campaign. Mothers and mothers-to-be can relate to politics once again for the first time since Mrs Blair and Mrs Brown were in that wonderful life-giving state.

But who would make the best prime minister? He's got to be seen as virile and a good father. Fathers are so important in politics. Edward Heath was not a father. Look at what happened there!

The current state of affairs for the main UK political party leaders is as follows:-

Gordon Brown (Labour) - 2 children
David Cameron (Conservative) - 2 children, happily one on the way
Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrats) - 3 children
The Lord Pearson of Rannoch (UKIP) - 3 children, but disappointingly married 3 times
Caroline Lucas (Green) - 2 children, though yet to be a father
Nick Griffin (BNP) - 4 children

Of course it is important for the prime minister to have an impeccable marital history. This would rule out The Lord Pearson of Rannoch. Caroline Lucas is also a no no as the time for mothers running the country has gone - the Thatcher era was an historical blip. Gordon Brown has tried over the past few years to demonstrate his virility but no matter how good a father he may be he is just not young and thrusting enough for the modern electorate. David Cameron and Nick Clegg talk the talk but do they really walk the walk? Neither could honestly be described as "Mr Lover Man".

No, only one man will do as Prime Minister. Uncommonly handsome, exceedingly virile, a wonderful father, a moral leader, a man to bring the nation together, Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer.

May 2010 will be Springtime for Griffin!

F for Fake

This week I have learned how to make a fly-on-the-wall workplace documentary. The following guide is indispensable.

1. Don't worry about chronology. It doesn't matter when or where something really happens.

2. Set up false situations to make things more interesting. The protagonists will be happy to go along with this if you tell them it will make more interesting viewing.

3. Get your "stars" to ham it up for the camera. Create fake arguments to make it seem as if there is passionate debate when in reality things had already been decided beforehand.

4. Film some "quirky" footage in the building to make the atmosphere seem unreal and non-contemporary. Stupid people watching will be saying "what a surreal place to work, like going back in time. I would never have realised such places still existed if they ever did."

5. Film some completely unrelated footage featuring real celebrities who turn up at the workplace for no reason whatsoever. This gives your documentary a link to the "real" celebrity world which your viewers can use as a point of reference.

And last but not least...

6. Do not include the people doing the vast majority of the work. They will be too busy to put on an act.

Do Not Buy This Book

After all these years of blogging I've decided it's time to keep a hard copy of my best stuff to date in the form of a book. Something to show to somebody else's grandkids as I'm dressed like Clive Dunn.

So I've done a little 30 pager, just enough to use as a shin pad.

The price shown on the home page isn't inclusive of postage which is a rather expensive addition. This is just an offer for friends and family people who don't personally know me and I'm expecting a very small take up. So please don't disappoint me by ordering a copy.

I mean, why pay for something you can get for free online?

Bollocks idea, really.

Save The Khan

We fell asleep last night whilst watching our recording of BBC4's Heavy Metal Britannia. I'm not much of a heavy fan now but I was there at the start of the musical revolution that was the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, or NWOBHM as it was imaginatively known in rock weekly Sounds.

We went to see bands such as Vardis, Angel Witch, Praying Mantis and Iron Maiden (whatever happened to them?).

But my favourite nights out were in the Red Lion in Gravesend watching local heroes, Triarchy. I knew the singer/bassist and drummer and I don't know if you've experienced it but it's a very strange feeling seeing kids you've grown up with suddenly onstage in front of you. As a member of the audience in this situation you can't really let yourself go in the way you would in front of, say, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band or Lionel Richie. You've got to stay cool in front of your peers.

This is the band's self-financed single, Save The Khan, which has a lot more going on in it than you might expect. The Ultravox influence is undeniable!

On 6Music

Twitter's gone a bit loopy today with the news that the BBC could be axing digital radio station 6Music. Thousands of Tweeters are angry enough to #savebbc6music. Apparently George Lamb, Tom Robinson, Bruce Dickinson, Craig Charles, Dave Pearce, Don Letts, Guy Garvey, Liz Kershaw, Steve Lamacq et al are producing shows in the spirit of John Peel (one good reggae track followed by ten fucking awful indie tracks?) and are doing what the BBC is all about (innovation and education) and not just lining their pockets with licence payers' money by doing bugger all other than making self-love to the sound of their own boring voices and playing generally boring music in a boring vacuum of boringness.

As a middle-aged white man with impeccable music taste you would think 6Music would be aimed at the likes of me but even if I did like 80% of the tracks they played I've got music coming out of my ears here at home and there on the internet.

I don't need self-appointed music experts droning on, advising me on what I should be listening to. I'm old enough to work that out myself.

The Media's Perception Of Blogging Is Wrong, So Wrong

I was listening to a discussion on the Guardian Technology podcast yesterday. It was claimed that people are stopping blogging because a blog post takes so much effort from which the blogger obtains so little reward.

Well, I've always found the act of writing on here an enjoyable piece of piss. It doesn't take much effort to type the crap that comes into your head which is what true blogging is all about. If you want to pore over something with a furrowed brow then you should be writing a book, not a blog.

As for the "little reward", what do you expect? It's free to publish, it's free to read. The reward should be in the heads and faces of your readers. The knowing nods, the wry grins, the explosive laughter, the tears of empathy. And then the comments that communicate these emotions across the miles.



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The Boys Are Back

I am currently listening to Thin Lizzy. It happens at this time of life that songs I never thought of buying in the past suddenly creep up on me and I get a hankering.

One of Lizzy's songs is, of course, Dancing In The Moonlight (not to be confused with the Toploader toss). It contains the following lines.

"Now we go steady to the pictures
I always get chocolate stains on my pants"

The first line is clearly how the young Lynott would have spoken, as in 1960s Ireland teenagers would "go steady", as good young Catholic boys would, and he would have gone to "the pictures", the wonderful traditional description of a cinema for those of us growing up in the British Isles.

When we come to the second line, however, Phil is clearly going for the North American market, unless he actually went on dates in his underwear which would have been an arrestable offence in tight-assed Dublin.

Interesting.

Also of great interest to me is from which confectionery product did Phil's chocolate stains emanate. I have discussed this on Twitter and at home and come up with the following list, in order of probability:-

1. Flake (as suggested by Beth) 27%
2. Chocolate Buttons (as suggested by Betty) 24%
3. A finger of Fudge 21%
4. Curly Wurly 10%
5. Ice Breaker 8%
6. Old Jamaica (we know he had a taste for the hard stuff) 7%
7. Revels 3%

Are there any glaring omissions in the list? If only we could bring Phil back to life for just this one question!

Homework

Imagine you are a nine year old child. You are used to doing homework because that's what nine year old children do nowadays. Your teacher gives you an assignment.

"I want you to draw an A-Z of mathematical shapes, including both 2D and 3D examples."

So you ring up your mum.

"Mum, we've got to draw an A-Z of mathematical shapes, including both 2D and 3D examples."

So your mum says "don't worry, I'll help you".

So your mum boots up the computer and looks on Google for lists of mathematical shapes. She finds some sites such as A to Z Of Maths Is Fun, Wikipedia's List Of Mathematical Shapes, etc, prints off the shapes such as Acute Triangle, Bezier Curve, Circle, Decagon, etc, says "there you are, love," gives you the examples and you sit down and copy them, making sure the shapes have the right number of sides, the correct angles, etc.

Your mum checks you have copied the shapes properly and you are allowed to go to your bedroom to call your friends.