Thursday, May 29, 2008

Beneath A Bushel No More

Though I've never watched it, as far as I can tell from reports, Britain's Got Talent consists of hula hoopers, acrobats, karate kickers, dancers, all-rounders, swing singers, opera singers, pop singers, whistlers, spoons players, gurners, teeth chatterers, cheek slappers, cooks, magicians, funny walkers, contortionists, garglers, plate spinners, pie eaters, beer drinkers, balloon shapers, bubble blowers, animal tamers, impressionists, ventriloquists, mind readers, spiritualists, hummers, buzzers, farters, spitters, archers, darts throwers, knife throwers, fire eaters, directory rippers, arse kickers, cellists, violinists, pianists, guitarists, washboard players, rappers, scratchers, strippers, pole dancers, sheep shaggers and car fuckers all competing for one place on the Royal Variety Performance, in front of the ever watchful eye of Simon Cowell.

Well good bloody luck to each and every one of them.


  1. "Well good bloody luck to each and every one of them."

    And, as the great Hughie Green used to say, 'I mean that most sincerely, folks.'

  2. My friend swears by star jumps...she says if all else fails do a few star jumps. It has got her out of a few sticky situations.

  3. Let's just hope that the arse kickers don't come on stage at the same time as the sheep shaggers.

  4. A pity that nobody's special talent is cutting off Simon Cowell's limbs and making him wriggle like Randian from Freaks.

    I'd pay to see that.

  5. I knew about the Sheep Shaggers but the Garglers and Cheek Slappers comes as a complete money is on them.

  6. Frumps - Hughie discovered BIG stars like Little and Large, Peters and Lee, Freddie Starr, Tom O'Connor, Pam Ayres, Lena Zavaroni, Frank Carson, Mary Hopkin and Les Dawson. Well, there is one decent act there.

    Inwardly Confused - By what I saw of it last night, a few of those performers have taken the same advice.

    Murph - Ram a lamb a ding dong!

    Tim - There'd be no more pathetic jokes about his high waistbands. Can we have him headless, too?

    Donn - The cheek slapping garglers are the ones to watch. The Saucy Water Boys.

  7. Where do I sign up to become an arse kicker?

    I'm not a mind reader, you know.

  8. You're ineligible for Britain's Got Talent, MJ. You could try for Canada Kicks Ass On Ice.