Monday, May 05, 2008

GI Joe, How Low Can You Go?

I never believed there was such a thing as middle aged spread. Until I went to buy some new work trousers a few weeks ago. It seems my waistline (and the waistband of the old trousers) have stretched by three inches in the past year or so.

"I'm spreading," I thought. "I've got to stop spreading NOW".

So how to cut down without feeling pangs of hunger? Not real hunger, of course. Rich, western world hunger, the feeling you get when you're used to overeating and now you've got to eat healthy portions.

My weakness isn't fat or sugar. I have a low fat, low sugar diet. My weakness is complex carbohydrates.

I can't get enough of bread and cereals.

So I was speaking to my old friend, Antony Worrall Thompson. "Wozza," I said. "How come you look so slim these days?"

Look at Wozza in the bad old days...

And Wozza now...

How did he get from being an overweight, unhappy misanthropist to a slim, happily full-of-energy-people-lover?

The Low GI Diet, that's how!

Eating slow release foods that keep you feeling fuller for longer. Throw away that Shredded Wheat, Ian Botham! Have a bowl of All Bran. Discard that wholemeal bread, Lucky Jim! Try some soya and linseed bread or a few oatcakes. Eat less, feel more satisfied and full of energy. Pour away that fruit juice! Eat real fruit. You'll be on your way to your five a day and you won't get the slumps!

That's the theory, anyway. I'm into my third day and it could be a load of bollocks but I must admit the beer I had last night gave me a sugar rush like nothing on earth. It was fucking amazing, man.


  1. Ant could lose another stone of ugly fat.

    (If he chopped his head off).

    Do you have trousers for every section of your life, Geoff?

  2. Ian Botham advertised Shredded Wheat and Ross Kemp advertised All Bran. Which celebrity cereal to go for?
    Hmmm, decisions, decisions...

  3. Are you wearing suspenders yet?

  4. I thought it was Captain Kirk who advertised All Bran.
    That soya and linseed bread should just slide down a treat.

  5. Murph - I have a pinstripe trouser for work, a tartan short for home and a khaki jean for leisure. I am not short in the trouser department.

    Istvanski - Neither of them are Slim Jims. Peter Crouch should advertise Grape Nuts.

    MJ - I presume you mean braces. I'm not a Rocky Horror fan. I wear red braces. Lunch is for wimps.

    Kaz - I hope there's more than one toilet on the Enterprise. The Vulcan diet is high in fibre, too.