Saturday, May 17, 2008

Cleans His Teeth Ten Times A Day

The choice of dentists in our area is as follows...

1. The dentist I've had since I was a boy. He does all his own work. He checks, he scrapes, he cleans and polishes. And he fills and extracts. He's in his 60s now and I've spent the past few years going back to him with one problem after another. A young dentist should really be taking his place but he's hanging on. As it's a bit of a journey to get there and I was having more and more time off work, I thought I'd try a nearer, more convenient dentist.

2. A nearer, more convenient dentist. He does all his own work. He checks, he scrapes, he cleans and polishes. And he fills. I'm sure he'd extract if the tooth was beyond a reasonably-priced repair. He's in his 70s now and a young dentist should really be taking his place but he's hanging on. I went back to him several times in a few months with problem after problem.

3. The second nearest, but most convenient dentist as he's open from 8 a.m. I've now settled with this one. He's young and lightning quick. His check-ups last a couple of minutes. He would fill but I'm not sure if he would extract. He's probably one of the new school who like to save teeth as saving teeth generates more income. At another dentist's, my sister has just paid £400 for a cap. My new dentist doesn't scrape, clean or polish. He has a couple of dental hygienists to do that for him.

I've seen her twice. She doesn't look me in the eye. She reads her notes and puts her mask on. She lowers me down until I am horizontal (which I find uncomfortable because of my digestive problem).

"Any problems? No? Good! Using an electric toothbrush like I told you? Good! That's much better! Flossing?"

"No, but I'm using mouthwash."

"Useless. Mouthwash won't get rid of all this. Look at all this debris between your teeth."

"I once tried flossing but I wasn't very good at it. I can't get to the back teeth."

"It's a knack. Start on the front teeth first. You'll get the hang of it. Like this. Up and down. Up and down. Like you're removing glue."


"You will get the hang of it. When you pay for your visit you will purchase this special floss you cannot get in supermarkets. You will start with the front teeth. Once you have mastered the front teeth you will move to the side teeth. Up and down, up and down. Once you have mastered the side teeth you will go to the back teeth. Up and down, up and down, you will get rid of the debris. You must get rid of the debris! You must! You must! Heil Hitler!"

"Heil Hitler!"

"No, you must raise your left arm like this. Heil Hitler!"

"Heil Hitler!"

"That is much better. I will see you in three months. No longer than three months. We must eradicate this debris. Goodbye."

"Heil Hitler!"

"No, you must walk like this. Heil Hitler!"

"Heil Hitler!"

"Keep walking like this until you get the hang of it. Come on, round the room. Step and step and step, come on, lift those feet!"

"Heil Hitler!"

"Heil Hitler! Good! Keep practising!"


  1. OOh Geoff - you were enjoying that a bit too much!
    Did she have a whip and big leather boots?

  2. She may have suggested Boots for the floss.

    Euthymol. You don't see that around these days.

  3. Kaz - No she didn't! And the chair didn't have wrist and ankle restraints!

    Murph - She said I wouldn't be able to get the special floss in the shops. So I bought it at the dentist's. Today I saw it in Boots for 50p cheaper. I've never tried Euthymol, but I've never been in the army. Did Drew use it when he did National Service?

  4. Call her Ilsa next time you see her.

    But not 'til she's done flossing or she'll increase the pain.

  5. Ilsa, lovely Ilsa
    My buxom SS babe

  6. My goodness. My last dentist was called Harmony and she was not like this. Will be molars ultimately be paying the price for niceness?

  7. Harmony sounds nice. If she's anything like Captain Scarlett's Angel.

  8. She was a bit. But with teeth.