Thursday, February 12, 2009

Football Is The Loser

It was a sad day for English football when Peter Shilton took Bobby Moore's record for the most number of England caps. But he WAS a goalkeeper and DID play into his late fifties and Ray Clemence WAS shit so I wasn't completely surprised.

But yesterday was an even sadder day as David Beckham equalled Bobby's record for an outfield player.

Bobby was a footballing god. The coolest, calmest footballer ever to put on an England shirt. He could read forwards' intentions so quickly he knew what they were going to do before they did.

Beckham is a one trick pony. He has a sweet right foot. He can cross a ball in open play and he is very good at set pieces. But he is no Brooking, Hoddle or Gascoigne. He doesn't take your breath away with his dribbling or quick thinking defence splitting passes. He is good at what he does but what he does is very limited.

He prostitutes himself in the media. He bores us senseless with his family pictures and his meat and two veg bulging in his girly white pants like gobstoppers in a greedy boy's cheeks. His tattoos and hairstyles have been laughable. His boots are like ballet pumps. In fact he wear a tutu on the pitch. He prances up and down the touchline, lifting his skirt when an opponent comes near him, pulling his girly pants up as high as he can. As he prepares to take a free kick or a penalty he lifts his skirt in front of the opposition's wall or goalkeeper, pulls his pants up over his manhood, lifts his penis and displays his clean shaven golden balls, freshly painted along with his finger and toenails in the changing room before the match. It is blatant gamesmanship, which namby pamby referees nowadays ignore as it is all part of the "modern" game.

Beckham is not fit to lace Bobby's boots.


  1. steady geoff, it's only a game after all.....

  2. Try telling Bill Shankly that.

  3. Christ Geoff, you're good.

    Now can you do Kevin Pietersen?

  4. "not fit to lace Bobby's boots"

    . . . nor Billy's (the first 100-capper), so I don't think they'll be building a statue of him outside Molineux, especially as he's never played for Wolves. Mind you, there's still time.

  5. My dear old Nan knew Bobby Moore.

    She didn't know David Beckham.

    Sadly, she passed away before Kevin Pietersen became English.

  6. *agrees and tries to remember the words to ANY football chant after having consumed too much wine*

    Help me with this one, Geoff.

    *having troubles with the wv too*


  7. Well - after watching some recent reffing - I wouldn't be too surprised to see a red card for painted balls.

  8. Geoff... did he beat you to another sponsorship contract again? Don;t take it personally, old bean.

  9. You describe Beckham's many talents in your last paragraph and you *still* call him a one trick pony?!?

  10. Tim - Thank you. When I re-read it I thought I sounded all Russell Brand. I'm afraid I haven't watched cricket since I used to keep my shirt sleeves buttoned up like Derek Randall. Yes, I used to puff my cheeks out like Geoff Hurst, too.

    Malc - Beckham isn't even in the top 20 greatest Man United players let alone English players.

    MG - Welcome. My mum knew Malcolm Allison. He used to lodge in a house in her street.

    MJ - "You're not fit to wipe my arse!" would be apt.

    Kaz - Only if they're painted with pictures of the player's babies.

    Boz - Damn' right he did. And he nicked the recipe for my musky perfume.

    Istvanski - The trouble is, as a footballer, the more you spread your legs the more chance you have of getting nutmegged.

  11. I agree Geoff. It's a con.
    Btw, I dont want to ruin your day but I just bought Lily Allen's new album. It's pretty good, but I am tiring of the young girlie angst style lyrics a bit.

  12. Do the lyrics mention her penchant for much older men?

    I don't mind Lily's music because I never hear it anywhere.

  13. Bobby Moore's lawyer threatened my mate ***** with legal action for using his name in a comic strip.

    Bobby Moore is a cunt.

    Bet you thought you'd never live to see that sentence written down lol.

  14. No! I refuse to believe it! Roy Of The Rovers is the cunt!

    Actually I think Bobby was a Tory, anyway.

  15. "Roy Of The Rovers is the cunt!"

    LOL! (or should that be "GOAAAAL!"?)

    Alf Tupper, The Terror of The Track.