Thursday, February 19, 2009

Trouser Trouble

Middle aged spread creeps up on you. I thought I was fine wearing my 34 inch trousers. Then it was time to buy a new pair and I realised the old ones had stretched quite a bit.

Wrapping the tape measure round my waist is dispiriting. It's one of those metal measures you use for measuring your living room or your dick. "12 inches but I don't use it as a rule!"

38 inches, though! I don't look it. To look at me you might say 34 or 35. But 38?

So I shop for some 38" trousers. Short leg. Fucking hell, I'm like Danny DeVito!

But 38's too loose. I try on a pair of 36s. I have to breath in and they're too tight around my bulging, muscular thighs and my perfectly proportioned arse. So I buy the 38s with a belt.

Trouble is, the holes in the belt are in the wrong places. Either too tight or too loose. So I make a hole with a screwdriver and a pair of scissors.

Not bad. But with my light blue shirts, if I walk any distance my trousers start to fall down. It's fucking embarrassing to keep pulling them up when I'm walking. You see, the light blue shirts are made of thinner material than the others. There's not enough bulk around my middle. Either I need to feed myself more or I need to get some braces. I can't wear braces! This is not fucking Gordon Gecko or Mork and Mindy, this is 21st century business!


  1. Geoff dahhhling, go visit a tailor. He'll put you right. Got to be an old man though. None of these whippersnappers.

  2. Oh let them fall down. This way you might get to use the er.. 12 inches [?].

  3. Arabella - am laughing at the idea of Geoff being measured up for a bespoke suit.

  4. OK - the shirt's too thin so you need a vest. Or better still a tank top which you can tuck in and look like Frank Spencer.
    (ooops Sorry Betty!)

  5. Arabella - So Ozwald Boateng's out. How old should this tailor be? Would he have fitted Oscar Wilde?

    Scarlet - I'm not doing my Jake The Peg impression for anyone!

    MJ - I'm glad that ruler's in mint condition. You wouldn't want a used one.

    Betty - I'll have you know I know how to behave in the dignified manner of a gentleman.

    Kaz - Maybe. A tank top and beret. I'd be the talk of the train!

  6. Then don't walk any distance.

    Recline on a litter, or be carried in a sedan chair.

  7. Scarlet's right. The Brian Rix look is the one to rock. But remember the sock suspenders.

  8. I was thinking more along the lines of having your seams let out, rather than a three piece!

  9. One thing I've never understood is how I have some 34s that fit me perfectly, and some 36s that are a bit of a squeeze.

    How is that even possible?

  10. Beth - But then I'd need to buy 48" trousers.

    Tim - Sock suspenders and a briefcase. Bowler hat?

    Arabella - Is Mr Burton still around? I think Mr Collier popped his clogs some time ago.

    Christopher - The ideal attire for that Powerpoint presentation.

    Billy - It's the "slim fit" that gets me. I want a bit of room in there.

  11. I don't believe you...38?
    I remember back in high school when those high-waisted, high-minded pants with the ginormous was the me like a glove. I weighed about 145 lbs soaking wet.

    By the late 80s my now unrecognisable 200 lb frame wore a 44 'short' jacket which automatically came with a snug fitting 38 pants, red rubber ball nose, and a f*cking unicycle((acck)) and I felt like Danny DeVito..exactly!

    Now of course my 6'5" frame is trimmed down to 183 lbs and I wear a loosish 32" pant.
    I always knew that I would eventually turn into Hugh Jackman.

  12. Ha! In the USA, 38 is the average for WOMEN!

    Those American girls will be telling me to get a bit of meat on them bones!

  13. I have this problem with uniform - "It's always the strides" as The Stranglers used to sing.

    May I suggest using thin rope as a belt?

  14. I'm hopeless with knots, though.