Sunday, February 15, 2009

Too Much Too Young

There is an outcry amongst good-thinking people about the 4ft tall 13 year old father who got his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant "during a night of unprotected sex". A whole night? A 13 year old whose voice hasn't broken? That's pretty good going. I bet he was a sensitive lover, too. And I bet he needed some deep-voiced Barry White soul to set the mood.

Then I read that he's from Eastbourne. And it all kicks into place.

Say you're a young boy on your first walk to the front at your seaside home town. What should be an exciting fun-filled day is totally spoiled by the sight that greets you on the prom. Thousands of motorised wheelchairs, driven by 95 year old 1 m.p.h. maniacs and stationary contraptions containing what my mother kindly describes as "the waxworks", staring into nothing but God's endless gullet.

A young boy experiencing this would vow to never get old, to get the stuff of life over as quickly as possible, become a grandfather at 26 and leave a young, good-looking corpse!


  1. It is beginning to transpire that he is prob not the Dad after all. Smacks of Shannon Matthews-style fast buck behaviour if you ask me. No one thought to do a paternity test apparently - perhaps there is a gruesome reason why? Oh dear.

  2. That's it. I'm going back to bed.

  3. Oh... I thought the exact same thing as Rockmother when I first saw the story.

    Anyhow, I mis-read the post as Thousands of motorised wheelchairs, driven at 95 m.p.h.
    I was speed reading again...

  4. Excellent summing up of the situation Geoff.
    A visit to St Anne's always makes me feel like having rampant sex.

    Oh - and have you noticed that "The news that 4ft Alfie conceived baby Maisie when he was only 12 renewed calls for better sex education for the nation's children."?
    They seem to have got it right.

  5. Er - Alfie's dad had a baby with his stepdaughters 'friend' - go figure!

  6. Well exactly, you can't blame them, there's not much else to do in Eastbourne. They have to make their own entertainment.

  7. Romo - My faith in humanity is starting to wane.

    Arabella - Life is bleak.

    Scarlet - LOL. Eastbourne as the new Isle Of Man.

    Kaz - He knew what he was doing. Mr Lover Boy!

    Romo - I've got my fingers in my ears!

    Annie - Weren't Toploader from Eastbourne? There must be a scene of sorts.

  8. I think Kaz was angling for an invitation to St Anne's. Do not let me stand in your way, as it were; I believe that she is over 15.

  9. Dover for the continent, Eastbourne for the incontinent.

    Not many people know this but Kaz and Kev once had to be removed from St Annes Railway Station for causing a pubic affront to decency.

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  11. Vicus - What's it like on the front?

    Rog - I blame Beeching for getting rid of all those quiet stations.

  12. From the accounts I read, they only "did it" once yet she was on birth control pills and no DNA testing has been done to prove he was the father.

    Has he gone back to his PlayStation yet?

  13. But he was such a caring father!