Friday, September 08, 2006

An Open Letter To Jools Holland

Dear Jools

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to both yourself and to your employer, The British Broadcasting Corporation, for what has been a pathetic campaign to attempt to reduce the hours you appear on our tv screens.

Over the past couple of years, on every blog I have started, I have mercilessly slated you time and time again, using the same old unoriginal put-downs which I will not repeat here because I am trying to make a fresh start free from petty name-calling.

My latest diatribe (see previous post) was merely a knee-jerk response to watching you present the Mercury Music Prize for what seemed like the 100th year running. I know it wasn't because, as you said on the show, you were born in 1958.

After reading my post, my good friend Alan Yentob immediately summoned me to my second brunch this year, which I attended this morning at Simpson's in The Strand. Yenty has now totally convinced me that you, Jools, are the man for the job.

There is nobody else who could front a music show with such humour, with such enthusiasm, and most of all with such an inside knowledge of what makes crotchets and quavers tick to make a good tune.

Yenty showed me a couple of performances from your Rythmn & Blues Big Band on his beautiful little Apple Mactop, namely your jams with the late, great Desmond Dekker and my favourite pop trio, the Sugababes.

"Music is music, after all," said Yenty. "Desmond was initially wary about playing The Israelites with a big band. Even during the performance you can see him looking to the wings, worried that the fun might not be translating to his fans. But when he saw the rushes, Geoff... He loved it. LOVED it. And as for the Sugababes: Keisha told me it was like a dream, like being in the Andrews Sisters. Imagine, the Andrews Sisters! They'll never forget performing with Jools, Geoff."

So you see, Jools, Yenty won't have a word said against you. And what's good enough for Yenty is good enough for me.

I promise from now on you'll only read good things about you on this and any other blog I decide to start in the future. In fact, I hope we can be mates. It would be lovely to see you at the Little Britain party on November 5th.

Yes, I'm going to become a real writer. Dave and Matt brought me in to work on a new sketch they were having trouble with. I think I did a good job.

In the sketch, Andy pretends to have TB. It's fucking hilarious, Jools. He's in his bed, coughing up fake blood in front of Lou. When Lou pops off to the bathroom to get a wet flannel, Andy jumps out of bed, abseils down the drainpipe, runs down the street, buys a packet of fags in the corner shop, smokes them all in a Benny Hill speeded up type of way, runs back home, climbs back up the drainpipe, and jumps in bed seconds before Lou reappears from the bathroom with the flannel. Then Andy continues to cough up more fake blood!

Anyway, enough about my success. It would be really good to see you at the party, Jools. Rowland Rivron and Phil Cornwell are going to be there so you won't feel left out.

All the best, boogie-mate,



  1. *coughing up a lung in laughter from the consumptive Lou and Andy sketch*

  2. Do you reckon Rowland Rivron's wife every gets just a wee bit sick of everyone pointing out that he used to go out with Wendy James?

    Mind you, has anyone seen Wendy James in the past 15 years? I saw Transvision Vamp at a festival when I was a youth. They were brilliant.

  3. MJ/Yenty - I'd love to do a spoof of Little Britain, taking the piss out of the piss-takers.

    Spin - When Elvis Costello wrote an album for her it all seemed to go pear-shaped. For both of them. Good to see he's expecting twins.

  4. You could do a whole series with Dave and Matt dressing up in women's clothes or do two-hander sketches in shops, because that's never been done before, has it.

  5. No, it's all terribly original, because laughing at the mentally ill or the disabled is perfectly acceptable when it's post-ironic. If you're a fat northern working-class man from the seventies with a taste for flat caps, whippets and pies, then it's old-fashioned and un-PC. It's being post-ironic that makes it ok. OK?

  6. Lucas and Walliams' biggest comedy influences were The Two Ronnies.

    Ronnie Barker thought Little Britain was fucking shit.