Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Typical Man

Another two weeks off?

Yes, I'm at home again and sharing a computer with the missus. Which means that when one of us is inspired to post something, the other is hogging the limelight.

I also feel really guilty that I didn't sort out our internet connection earlier. When Orange took over Wanadoo, the first thing that happened was they made our download speed much quicker. We couldn't work out why our connection kept disconnecting, and the voice on the phone helpline just understood that some of us were having problems but not to worry because everything will be sorted out soon.

Last week I'd had enough and got through to a human being who said our modem wasn't up to the job of handling the new speed. So we are waiting for our new livebox. And swearing out loud like Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral every time we are disconnected. Which is about every 3 minutes at the moment.

Today it is dreary and overcast. Yesterday was beautiful.

Yesterday we went to Deal. Apologies to Mig as I know I promised you more pictures of the Deal Fish Statue but we didn't go near it. We will next summer, cross my heart.

We parked as usual in the Deal Castle Car Park (a green field). We walked for an hour along the coastal path to Walmer. We walked back. There were lots of pensioners on bicycles riding in the cycle lane. A few mothers with young children. And an abundance of all sorts of variety of dog and owner, excepting the hard sort we get at home.

After spending an hour and a half on the beach, reading and sleeping, I fancied a cup of tea to perk me up for the drive home. They serve hot drinks in the gift shop of Deal Castle.

"Can I help you? Would you like a cup of coffee?"

"Er, tea, please."

The pleasant woman goes to the vending machine and makes me a cup of tea.

"Seventy pence, please. The tea whitener is here."

"Have you got a toilet by any chance?"

"We have but we usually only allow people who are visiting the castle to use the toilet."


"But since you bought a coffee, it's straight through that door and to the left."

I leave Betty to a long embarrassing silence, legs crossed, with my brewing tea for company.


  1. Embarrassing Silences, artificial whiteners,taking the piss.... yes, I thought so! It's Deal or No Deal featuring the Morecambe Ratepayers favourite midget, Noel Edmonds!

  2. The exciting voyage that is my work once took me to Deal's branch of J Sainsbury. It was very tea-whitener and vending machine.

    Is tea-whitener powder in this context, of the kind that sits in lumps in ones tea, or those delicious little pots of 'skimmed milk with non-milk fat' (mmm, sounds lovely, just what the fuck is that then, anything from seed oil to liquidised bacon rind, oh God I know too much) that sit in a slick across the recently vended hot beverage (read your cup, Caution: Contents May Be Hot).

  3. Murphmeister - I've got a good game. Hold Noel by his ankles over the edge of Deal Pier. Ask him "Deal or No Deal?"

    If he says "Deal," drop him.

    If he says "No Deal," drop him.

    Krusty - It was in a thin paper package, about 3 inches long. No words on the outside to describe what was in it. It didn't give me indigestion, which was the main thing. Tasted pretty foul, though.

  4. Seventy pence for vending-machine tea!


  5. I make a point of never visiting any place with less than six letters - sorry.

  6. Spin - They can take that as my donation to English Heritage. I couldn't give a fuck about their turrets.

    Wyndham - You're missing out. Never been to Wem?

  7. Three inches of foul-tasting dessicated non-descript 'dairy' product? Hmmm. If you wish...

    I can think of loads of people I'd like to play that game with.

  8. Marvel-lous.

    I've been to Wem, it's quite nice. Deal Beach Parlours Ice Cream was the ice cream of choice for us youngsters in East Kent. Deal's my kind of place, nothing happens there so no stress.

    Wyndham, you could go to Walmer. It's like Deal but without the fun.

  9. My seaside resort as a youngster was Broadstairs.

    I was never that keen on Broadstairs.

  10. We used to go to Broadstairs on the Sunday School outings. There was always an old wreck on the left of the beach looking out to see I seem to remember.

  11. Eh? Looking out to sea, obviously.