Monday, December 18, 2006

The Christmas Number One

I've never seen X Factor but my eyewitness for the final tells me it was fixed.

The song they chose to be the single was not a man's song. It was a woman's song, a Mariah Carey/Whitney Houston type warbler.

Ray, the 18 year old Robbie Williams wannabe, couldn't really do it justice. You felt a bit sorry for him, trying to hit the high notes, his bollocks not allowing him to.

Ray was good, very good, but he's got bollocks and was therefore at a disadvantage.

Maybe they should have chopped them off, shaved them, and fed them to the judges, brought a bit of I'm A Celebrity type entertainment to the proceedings.

Ratings (and Ray's voice) would have soared.


  1. Anonymous2:02 PM

    He looked like a miniature Simon Cowell and may well have been his bastard son for all we know. High spot was when he accidentally kissed the presentress on the lips and she wiped her mouth with a look of abject horror.
    Leonie made Zarah Philips look quite articulate.

  2. Bollocks. It's the word of the week! You've used it today, Betty's mentioned the word in her first sentence and Vicus mentions bollocks and variations on bollocks, i.e. 'bollocky' several times in his Sunday posting. I'm inspired and may try to find a way to fit it into a future posting in an effort to keep up with this trend.

  3. Anonymous5:04 PM


  4. Murph - Apparently Ray was a child actor in Brookside, presumably when Brookside was nearing its end and really really crap, almost as bad as Eastenders.

    MJ - Is it true that while Americans just love our British accents, Canadians can't get enough of our "bollocks"?

  5. Realdoc - Double bollocks.

  6. Anonymous5:20 PM

    Drop me a line if you want some tasty Robbie Williams wannabe sweetbread recipes.

  7. Bollocks Infinity!
    Is X Factor some sort of cheesy combination of American Idol and the X Files?
    What the hell is so special about Robbie Bollocky Williams anyway?
    He is fromage incarnate!

  8. Lucien - A nice teste stew would go down a treat.

    HE - It's a cross between Pop Idol and Ex-Lax. Or so I've heard.

  9. Canadians don't have any idea what bollocks means. Except for me and Homo Escapeons, of course. So I love to work it into conversations with colleagues who look at me quizzically. Erm, more quizzically than usual, that is.

  10. Anonymous10:13 AM

    Someone in my office once shouted "buggery bollocks!" which I quite liked.
    Are there any other odd sweary combinations like that?

  11. Roy Keane famously said, "you can stick your bollocks up your arse" which is not dissimilar to buggery bollocks I suppose.

  12. Correction. I should have said it was Vicus' 'Friday' posting that was full of 'bollocky'... not Sunday.

  13. Anonymous11:44 AM

    It's not very Christmassy round here...

  14. Apparently Ray's going to America to make a swing album.

    Start spreading the news
    He's leaving today
    He's making a brand new start of it
    I just wish he'd stay

    He wants to wake up
    In a city that doesn't sleep
    Well they certainly won't
    Once they've heard the creep

  15. Anonymous5:25 PM

    Talking of Robbie, does anyone else share my sense of dread that it's going to be a toss up between Take That and a superannuated tennis arsehole sufferer?

  16. Anonymous6:27 PM

    I always say buggering bollocks rather than buggery bollocks, well not always, obviously, I usually say titfuckarsewank in confession.

  17. Lucien - Don't worry. Leona's got it in the bag. Not that I give a shit but I'd rather see her than than Sir Cliffocrit.

    Realdoc - Anything to please the old boy behind the curtain.

  18. As long as it's not Cliff Richard I'm happy.

  19. Anonymous9:19 AM

    I thought Take That were quite good live on the X-Factor. They certainly should have come at least second.

  20. Anonymous12:15 PM

    Titfuckarsewank... that really has some welly behind it! I like it. I think it will be my word du jour.

  21. A lusty rendition of the first line of the late Mr Dury's "Plaistow Patricia" usually does it for me when ired.